We Knew That Time Would Kill Us
by Little Dandelion
Summary: Six months later, things seemed to have mellowed out for Payton. But then she goes on tour with her father's band, Avenged Sevenfold, and things seem to be just as complicated as they had been before. Sequel to Days of the Old!
1. Description and Characters

Six months have passed. Not much has changed for Payton, and it feels as if each day blends in with the next, the same old thing over and over again. She knows she shouldn't feel this way, because there _are_ quite a few exciting things going on around her, one of them being going on tour with her father to promote his band's newest album.

Payton needs a change of pace, and she definitely gets that when she has to share a tour bus with five overgrown men for two entire months. Being on tour may have its drawbacks, but what if she meets a _boy?_

Evan, the hot-tempered juvenile delinquent that plays lead guitar in one of the opening acts, has a keen interest in her. At first, she tries to stay away from him, but as the tour progresses it seems as if they can't stop bumping into each other—literally. Payton is both terrified and thrilled with the feelings she develops for him seemingly out of nowhere, and she loves how alive she feels when she's around him.

Will her past keep her from finally being happy? When her past comes back to haunt her, she will have some tough decisions to make. Will she and Evan be able to be together in the end?

--

Disclaimer: I do not own Avenged Sevenfold, their girlfriends/wives, or any other famous person/thing that may pop up in this story.

I own the plot line and any original characters. I take plagiarism very seriously, so please do not steal my work.


	2. Chapter One

A lot of things can happen in the span of just a few short months. Things that alter the way you look at life can happen before you can so much as even blink.

I stared lifelessly into the mirror, my bright red hair no longer visible, and my complexion was paler than ever. My outfit consisted of gray polyester pants and the same toneless long-sleeved shirt, its stand up collar brushing awkwardly against my neck. A long, jagged scar ran vertically down the right side of my cheek from my eye to my jawbone.

Exhausted, I rubbed my eyebrow and leaned against the counter for support. I hadn't gotten much sleep in the past few days, and it was really beginning to wear down on me.

"Mini! Are you ready?" Jimmy's voice coupled with his fist pounding on my bathroom door knocked me out of my trance and I stared at the door for a few moments, hoping he would give up and go bug Matt or someone else for a little while. "If you don't haul your scrawny ass out here right fucking now or I'm going to break the door down!"

"But—but Jimmy," I began in protest, resting my back against the door he was _still_ pounding on and focused on the fluorescent lights, but then having to look away as it was giving me a slight headache. "I look like a douche bag!"

No, I didn't have a life threatening disease. My hair was covered in a ridiculous bald cap and the girls had slathered some Halloween makeup on me earlier, making me even paler than usual.

It was the night before Halloween, and everyone was going to a huge Halloween-themed party at Brian and Michelle's house. I mean _everyone._ Not just the gang, but other people. _Celebrities. Musicians._ I hadn't slept at all the night before because of that, I was going to meet quite a few of my idols and I was nervous as hell.

Unfortunately, I had to have my first encounter with my idols in a _Mini-Me_ outfit. As in, Dr. Evil and Mini-Me. Matt and I had collaborated, meaning he was going as Dr. Evil. It hadn't been our idea, of course, but Jimmy had insisted on it since he came up with it all the way back in August. It wasn't so bad for Matt though, since he had no hair that he had to cover up.

"You do not! You're ah-fucking-dorable! I'm counting to three. One—" A soft kick rattled the door, immediately making me tense. "Two—" Anther kick was landed on my door, but this time it was much harder than the last. "Three!"

Before he could quite possibly knock my door down, I hastily unlocked and whipped it open, glaring up at the tall man who wore a white, itchy looking turtle neck under a yellow and black striped shirt. He was going as Bert, as in from _Sesame Street._ And Johnny, who I was sure was straggling around the house somewhere, was going as Ernie._ Of course they were._

"You are! Mini, you're so goddamn cute!" He said, abruptly bringing me into a hug and nearly squeezing what life was left out of me in the process. I gave him a hollow smile when he pulled away, squinting up at him. I felt weighed down and constricted with all of my hair piled on top of my head and packed down under the bald cap, but I knew there was no use in complaining.

There was no way I was getting out of this one, Jimmy had drilled the idea into our head long ago and he was just _so_ excited that we used his idea (as if we had much of a choice) that I felt bad for not being as thrilled as he seemed to be.

"Alright, come on! We don't have all night you know!" He said in a fake, snobbish tone, and I let out a few giggles. Taking hold of my forearm and all but dragging me out of the bathroom, and then completely out of my room. I barely even had enough time to grab my bag with a change of clothes in it.

Soon, we were at the foot of the stairs where everyone had gathered, with the exception of Brian and Michelle of course. The girls had collaborated too, which seemed to be the basis of almost everyone's theme this year, and they were all going as Disney princesses. Zacky had done something similar, and went as a young Walt Disney.

All of the girls cooed as soon as they saw me, which only made me look down and roll my eyes. How anyone could think that a bald midget with a scar resembling something like the result of a prison fight running the course of their cheek was _cute_ was beyond me.

I laughed a little as Leana high-fived Jimmy and told him what an awesome his idea had turned out to be. Matt grinned and slung an arm over my shoulder as we made our way out the front door, he too was dressed in the same dreary grey suit, with pale makeup and a replica of my scar. I had to admit, we did look scarily alike.

"So—uh, Matt," I began nervously after I'd gotten buckled into the back seat of his SUV, Val in the front with Zacky and Gena beside me. I _still_ wasn't fully accustomed to calling him 'dad' all the time and I often varied from that to his actual name. "Who's gonna be there? Like uh—you know," Silently, I cussed at myself for letting my nervousness show through.

Thankfully though, Matt seemed to know where I was trying to go with it and smirked at me through the rear-view mirror. "Just some friends and family and whatnot. Maybe a couple of bands like Good Charlotte and Bullet For My Valentine," I gulped at the mentioning of such huge names, and what he said next almost made me crap my pants then and there. "And Slash, too."

He said in such a nonchalant tone, it almost made me think that my _idol_ being there wasn't such a big deal. No, I hadn't met him yet. I'd passed up on Matt's previous offers to meet him, solely for the fact that I knew I would more than likely make a fool out of myself.

"Oh—oh. That's... that's cool I guess." I said, taking the same tone as he was using, but my palms were growing sweating and my heart began pounding in panic. I tuned out, trying to think about other, less terrifying things than meeting a bunch of rock stars.

Six entire months had uneventfully (in my opinion, at least) passed, and not much has happened. I was fifteen since the twelfth of October, and officially a sophomore. Nothing has changed much in school, other than the fact that Andrew Steinway was no longer allowed to be within one hundred feet of me, and that of course resulted in him having to switch schools.

Yes, things had gotten better. I no longer had a kid and his crazy bitch of a girlfriend out to get me. The guys had finished tracking their new album last month, it was currently being mixed and it was due out sometime in December. Don't get me wrong, it was an amazing thing to witness, but I would not contribute to it even though Matt _had_ wanted me to sing with him on a certain song.

But this was _their_ record. They had put their heart and soul into every last little detail of this album, and I didn't want to take any credit when I didn't deserve any because I had done nothing for it. Singing on a song I didn't help create seemed almost wrong to me—as if I were stealing someone else's creation. Besides, my voice wasn't anywhere near good enough to actually be recorded anyway.

My mind drifted to other things, things that seemed like they had happened so long ago, yet they still had the same impact on me each time I thought about them. Like my best friend (I hadn't been able to stop myself from still calling him that) whom I hadn't talked to since that one night when Andy assaulted me. I hadn't heard a word from Derek or Melissa since then, either, and I honestly didn't want to know what exactly he had told them about what happened when he was visiting.

There was one more thing that always seemed to be lingering in the back of my mind, too. Coming up in December, it would me the anniversary of my mother's death. I didn't know what was going to happen, or how I was going to react. Would it be a day like any other? Would I act as if everything was okay, like usual? Again, I didn't know, but I doubted it. An entire year without my mother, and counted myself lucky for surviving it. How _could_ it be a normal day?

These past few months had gone so slowly, but at the same time, every day felt exactly the same as the last. I wanted things to speed up, to get things over with. The thing was though, I didn't know what exactly I wanted to be over with, either.

_No,_ _things were better,_ I told myself, _I'm just over thinking things._ I was analyzing things that didn't need to be analyzed. I just needed to calm down; I was freaking myself out over meeting a bunch of musicians, resulting in me freaking out about _other_ things. Things I didn't even want to think about.

I didn't need to think about any of that, because I was fine. _Things were better._

"P? Patey—Payton!" Matt called from the front seat, and my eyes snapped up toward him.

"Yeah?" I asked, out of my daze. It was then I realized that I'd zoned out for the entire car ride, and he was standing outside the SUV, looking back at me. Once I met his gaze, he gave me a worried frown and nodded toward Brian's mansion house.

"You ready?" He asked, trying to keep a smile up although worry clearly shone through his eyes.

Silently, I nodded, giving him a grin as I opened the door and climbed down from the huge SUV, making sure not to trip on my crappy little Mini-Me-esque slippers. Matt and I quickly caught up to everyone else, falling into step with Jimmy, Leana and Val.

"Everything's gonna be fine, Min," Jimmy mumbled comfortingly when we were halfway up the exceedingly long walkway that lead up to Syn's house. Normally, that would have comforted me, but the smirk he was wearing made me feel anything _but_ comforted, and I immediately grew wary. "Nothin' to worry about."

Leana nudged him, sending a glare up at him. I stopped walking then, but Matt held my hand and pretty much began dragging me up toward the front door. "What do you have planned?" I said, my nerves acting up all over again.

Of course, no one answered me, _as if I had been expecting an answer anyway?_ And Jimmy commenced in ringing the doorbell before he too took my other arm in his grasp, thoroughly halting all of the struggling I'd been doing with Matt. The door opened in a split second, and Brian stood there, grinning as if he'd been waiting for us to get there.

If I hadn't been so nervous and paranoid, I would have laughed at his costume. For what I could tell, he was dressed up as a crude version of Zacky with a thick black line of makeup under each eye, lipstick pretty much all over his face, and a _Vengeance University_ t-shirt.

The house was eerily quiet and vacant. Wasn't there supposed to be blaring music and people chugging alcohol like I had imagined? _Some party this was._

Brian walked with us, or well, _behind_ us, watching my every move as we made our way out of the foyer. The only thing running through my mind then was _what the fuck was going on?!_

As soon as I had thought that, my question was answered. By _hundreds_ of screaming people.

"_Surprise!"_

--

You think I'd really end it for real, did you?

Here it is. The _sequel!_ I hope you're as stoked for this as I am. And I'd really love some reviews!


	3. Chapter Two

Surprises don't go over too well with me anymore.

Ever since my _last_ surprise ended in disaster and one less friend, I almost had an irrational _fear_ of surprises. But I _wasn't_ going to have a freak out over this. At least not right then when I was clutching Matt's sleeve as if he could save me from all the laughing and screaming people.

How would the guys know that, though? They wouldn't, and I didn't blame them for it. And I was overwhelmed with how much work they had put into this just for me.

Matt stared down at me, grinning, excited yet apprehensive at the same time. I could not meet his gaze as I stared wide-eyed at easily hundreds of people. Some I recognized, and some I didn't. One thing was for sure though, everyone was either famous in some way or they knew a famous person attending the party well enough to get in.

I decided to give them a mushy moment and pulled him into a hug, burying my head in his shoulder to hide my embarrassment as everyone continued to cheer. "Thank you." I told everyone with a grin after I pulled away, even though my heart was still squeezing and constricting painfully in panic. I wasn't one for crowds, either, especially one of such a volume as this one.

"Payton!" I heard a familiar voice yell over the crowd of buzzing people, and my ears pricked at the sound of it. I looked around excitedly, and then found her.

Dannii stood a few feet away from me, looking nervous yet overjoyed at the same time. I think she may have been dealing with being surrounded by celebrities better than I was. We both laughed as we hugged each other and we pulled away, scrutinizing each other's costume before letting out another laugh. She had went as _Robin Hood,_ and I was slightly envious. I would take some tights and a pimp-like feathered hat over the dull grey suit and bald cap I was wearing any day of the week.

_Suck it up._ Everyone had gone through so much trouble just for me, as if I even deserved any of this with all the lying I had done. It was nice to know that they all cared for me enough to do this, though—it made me feel like everyone really wanted me around—that I wasn't just some kid Matt had been forced to take in. The least I could do was go along with their antics and wear the silly costume.

The crowd was still laughing, and I couldn't hold anyone's gaze for any longer than a few seconds, I mentally cussed at myself for being so shy. Turning around, I sent a playful glare at all of the guys and girls who were still waiting for my reaction. "You were all in on this, weren't you?" I asked, gesturing toward everyone with the sweep of my hand. Everyone gave me a hesitant, yet excited nod. They probably thought I would bitch at them.

"Thank you," I repeated, sincerely. They had no idea how thankful I was for this. No one had ever done something so amazing for me before, and I had to fight back tears again.

Speaking of crying—the girls all looks like they were on the verge of tears, and at once they all bombarded me in a hug, only pulling away when they'd each gotten a chance to tell me how much they loved me. That almost sent me over the edge; until now they hadn't really been as mushy as they were being at that moment.

Matt popped up in front of me seemingly out of nowhere, smirking at me as a group of guys trailed behind him. Three of the guys had dreads, but the other looked just as metal as the others. "Payton, these guys are close friends of ours, from a band called _Korn._"

_Nuh._ As if I didn't know that from taking my first glance at them. I stood beside Dannii, resisting the urge to shrink behind her as all of the men smiled at us. As unapproachable as they looked, each of them seemed friendly enough. Matt went on to introduce them individually, and I gave them a meek wave, and the two guys Matt introduced as 'Munky' and 'Fieldy' mockingly returned. That only made Dannii and I grin at them. _Yes, they were friendly enough._

After they wished me a happy birthday, they began chatting with Matt and the guys, and Dannii and I 'discreetly' slipped away. 'Discreetly' meant that I tripped over my crappy little grey slippers, causing everyone around us, including the members of Korn to chuckle at our escape attempt.

We sat down on one of the sofas in Brian's large 'main' living room. "I've never been around so many famous people in my entire life," I mumbled as I stole glances around the room, instantly recognizing members of Good Charlotte, who were already looking our way, and members from a few other bands.

The only thing I was wondering about was how the hell the guys managed to pull all of this off. I had almost forgotten that they were famous, too, and that they actually knew and were _friends_ with all of these people. It was all still so surreal. Dannii gave me a look. "Ditto, P. Ditto." She said breathlessly, she too sneaking peeks at all the people surrounding us.

A skeletal hand gripped my shoulder out of nowhere, and I let out a small squeak before jumping up and turning to face where the hand had come from. Benji Madden stood there, along with Joel, waving around the fake skeleton hand that had been on my shoulder and grinning cheekily.

Staring, Dannii glanced between us and gave me a look that said 'you just got pranked by Benji fucking Madden!' before she hastily stood up, offering her hand to them. "Hello, I'm Dannii, Payton's friend!" They both laughed and shook her hand, while I simply stood there, smiling until they took a seat across from us on a loveseat. I too sat down, feeling awkward for standing up for as long as I had.

"So Payton, how's this for a surprise birthday party?" Joel asked, humour in his tone.

"It was a shock, that's for sure," I replied, and I found myself lucky to even get that out. Dannii took charge of the conversation then, and I couldn't help but smile and feel grateful for having made such a great friend.

She too had been almost too forgiving with me. I knew that she had liked Tyler quite a bit, and I can't imagine how she felt when she came over to the house the day after the last night I'd seen him to see me, battered and bruised and Tyler nowhere to be seen.

It had been so hard explaining _everything_ to her, but I had, and amazingly she understood. She knew that Tyler was once a good person; if he hadn't been then I wouldn't have even introduced them, and that he'd turned into a not so good guy. Thankfully, she had taken all of it so well.

Minutes into the conversation that I hadn't really taken part in, I excused myself to the bathroom. I was sure Dannii didn't mind in the slightest, she looked completely comfortably conversing with Benji and Joel, and once I got to the bathroom I let out a long, relieved sigh. I never thought keeping my emotions in check would be so hard.

Most of what I was feeling was happiness, yet this 'surprise' had brought back memories of Tyler's last and final visit. How things had gone badly in such a short span of time, from complete bliss to losing the only link I had left to that tiny town I had come from.

If my friendship with him had slipped away seemingly in the blink of an eye, what made me think any of this would last? _Scared_ couldn't even begin to describe how I was feeling. I knew it was irrational, though. Things were going okay; I had absolutely _no_ reason to believe my family was going to leave me.

This shouldn't have even been a surprise to me. I should have known that the guys had their 'go big or go home' attitudes with _everything,_ and the small, family-based birthday party that they'd had for me earlier that month hadn't been enough for them. It had been for me, though. _More_ than enough, actually.

Needing to distract myself, I all but tore my bald cap off and instantly felt relief when my hair was let down. After getting a brush from my bag and combing through it, I decided to leave it down. Besides, pretty much everyone had seen me in my costume, and even with hair it was pretty obvious as to what I was going as. If Matt got upset about it though, I promised I would put it back on. I also traded my slippers for a pair of Chuck Taylors too, knowing that if I didn't, more accidents were bound to happen.

_Just calm down._ I was over-thinking things again, reading into the situation much more than it needed to be. What I _needed_ was to relax and enjoy my birthday party.

With that final thought, I sucked in a deep breath before exiting the bathroom, putting on a brave smile as I went back to where I had been sitting with Dannii and the Madden's. They weren't in their original spot, but in the next room standing around the huge island with Zacky and Syn. It was comical to see them standing next to each other, but Zacky didn't seem to mind Syn mocking his appearance in the slightest. Hell, he was probably _enjoying_ it.

As soon as they saw me, they began hauling me off with Dannii and the Madden twins following close behind. Zacky and Brian both wore knowing smirks, glancing at me in apprehension as they continued to haul me off to an unknown destination.

Soon, we were outside and I saw a small stage was set up in the center of Syn's huge back yard. It was slightly cold out, but oddly warm for an October night, even for California. They didn't stop there, and pressed on until we were standing at the side of the stage, and once we were there they attempted to make small talk. I was in no mood for it though, anticipating the next 'surprise' they had in store for me. After all, they didn't just drag me all the way out there for no reason.

My breath caught in my throat when Matt and Val approached, but they weren't alone. Oh, _no._ They definitely _were not_ alone. I could recognize the velvet top-hat and crazy wild hair in a sea of 80's metal cover bands. He wasn't in a costume, but I didn't consider if conceited if he had gone as himself. I clutched onto Syn's arm, not even being aware of the action.

"Slash, Payton. Payton, Slash," Matt quickly introduced, only giving Slash a second to nod and wink at me before launching into what was happening. "So here's what's gonna go down. Payton you're gonna take this guitar," He produced one of Slash's custom Les Paul's, handing it out for me to take. I did so numbly, knowing and fearing where this was going. "Get up on stage and perform a solo with Slash."

_Kill me now. Please._

How had I not noticed Slash holding his own guitar before then? And more importantly, how on earth did they think I could even think coherently around Slash, let alone perform a fucking _solo_ with him? As good as I was with a guitar, I considered my skills _nothing_ compared to what Slash could do.

I didn't have time to protest or even think things over like, _what fucking solo?_ Because it was as if I had floated up onto the stage, but I quickly realized that Zacky had pulled me up there. I held onto his sleeve, refusing to look anywhere else (including the crowd that was beginning to form at the front of the stage) but at him. "What solo? Zacky, I'm fucking confused!" I whispered harshly, shaking his arm a little as if to show just how panicked I was.

Being up on that stage was probably the last thing I wanted to do at that moment. I'd only ever played in front of the Tyler, my mother, and the guys and girls. And not only did they expect me to play in front of easily hundreds of people, but with none other than _Slash?_

My family was _really_ pushing my boundaries.

"Relax, Patey. Just an improv. Do whatever you want and Slash'll follow, 'kay?" Zacky said, flashing me another reassuring smile as he plugged a cable into the guitar I was holding. When I hesitantly nodded, he pointed to an array of stomp boxes on the floor in front of me. "All your pedals and whatnot are right there. Do whatever you want, seriously. You're gonna be great, P."

_Whatever I wanted._ I didn't even know which foot went in front of the other at that moment, how the hell was I supposed to come up with a solo worthy of Slash's ears in just a few seconds?

Zacky quickly vacated the stage, and I snuck a glance at Slash, who again gave me another wink and a smile. I plucked a pick off the microphone stand and looked down at my guitar, hesitance written clear across my features. I decided to start off small. It wasn't as if Slash and I were battling, although I _felt_ like I did, I didn't need to prove myself to him. It was a riff to a chorus of one of the many songs I'd written over the past few months.

Grinning, Slash easily followed along with his own riff, somewhat similar to mine. The crowd cheered in encouragement, and I felt myself beginning to loosen up. If I couldn't think up anything good enough, I'd just play one of my own solos and not worry about making anything up on the spot.

Within minutes, I had proven myself wrong. It turned out that playing with Slash was actually quite fun—and not nearly as intimidating as I had imagined. Creating a solo on the spot turned out to be quite a bit easier than I had originally thought, with Slash there to back it up it sounded _amazing._ We were coming close to what felt like the end, so I decided to step it up a notch and quickly began playing _the_ hardest solo I'd ever written, which was really only last month.

We were playing in sync then, and it amazed how quickly and perfectly he could pick up on something that had taken me so long to write and perfect myself. When we finally stopped, my ears were ringing and the roar of the _huge_ crowd seemed to be all I could hear. I smiled at Slash, still in somewhat of a daze as we both exited the stage.

Once we were back at the side of the stage, Slash stared at me for a long moment before breaking out into a large grin. "I gotta admit that was kickass, kid." He said laughingly, and held up his hand for a high-five. I did so mechanically, but could not keep the grin off of my face either.

"Thanks." That was all I could get out before I was tackled into a hug by Jimmy, who caught me just before I hit the ground and he began spinning me around.

"Mini, I've said it before and I'll say it again! You are so fucking rad!" When he set me down, I looked away in embarrassment and uttered another 'thanks'.

I smiled faintly at Dannii, who was wearing a smile just as wide as everyone else's. As we began walking away together, I was at a loss for words. _Kickass job, kid._ Slash's words echoed in my mind, over and over again. The only thing I could think about was that Slash had high-fived me, he'd been _impressed_ with my level of guitar skills.

Someone pulled on my arm from the right, and I looked up blearily to see who I thought was Bert McCracken, but I could not be for sure as a light from the stage was shining almost directly into my eyes. "That was amazing," He began, and I had been right. It _was_ Bert McCracken. "I've never seen anything like it. So rad. Can I get a picture with you?"

_Bert McCracken_ was asking to take a picture with _me?_ Tonight was turning out to be nothing short of amazing. Still though, my mind was drawing a blank from what had just happened with Slash, and I willingly stood next to Bert as he took a picture of us with his phone.

Things were happening to fast; everything seemed like a haze, as if I were in my own personal fairytale. Quite a few of my dreams had come true, and the night had only just begun. One thing was for sure though, I _loved_ my family for this.

Not even two seconds after Dannii and I had left Bert, a pair of large, calloused hands were placed over my eyes. I felt around in front of me blindly, but came up empty. I recognized Matt's laugh behind me, and relaxed a little. I was having fun, I didn't even mind getting surprise after surprise anymore. Nonetheless, my heart fluttered in anticipation as I wondered what had been planned for me next.

"Let's go, start walking forward!" He said, giving me a small push forward. I let out a groan as I stumbled a little.

"Come on, dad. Is this really necessary?" I grumbled, blindly pointing to where his hands were still covering my eyes.

"Yes," A chorus of voices answered from around me, and I quickly realized that all the guys and girls were surrounding me. I didn't protest any further than that, and let Matt lead to the other side of Brian's yard. When his hands finally left my eyes, all the lights had been turned off and it was next to pitch black. The only light were coming from a few large candles in front of me. They illuminated a table that had a red velvet cover, but that was not what had caught my attention.

My birthday cake stood in front of me, and again the only word I could use to describe it was _incredible._ It was shaped like a coffin with all black frosting, with white accents and bats outlined on the 'lid'. Cupcakes were placed around it and on the table, following the same Halloween theme as everything else with every kind of cupcake imaginable; pumpkins, Dracula's, headstones, everything.

_Amazing._ They really had gone though too much trouble for me. "What are you waiting for," Val began from behind me, and I turned around to smile at her. "Make a wish and blow the candles out!"

Every person who was in the backyard began singing happy birthday to me, and my heart swelled even more. I felt my cheeks heat in embarrassment as I focused on the cake, more than sure that everyone on the block could hear the crowd singing to me.

What could I wish for? I had everything that was possible. I couldn't wish for my mother back, and while I _could_ wish for Tyler back, what good would it do? I was willing to bet that he was still back home, killing himself with _Luke_ and no doubt that Derek and Melissa were too soft to control him. He more than likely hadn't even so much as _thought_ about me since that one night.

Nonetheless, I found myself wishing for him back anyway. Not the Tyler that had left on such a sour note, but my _brother._ And although I knew it was impossible, I wished things could be the way they used to be between us, each other's confidant and go-to person.

_One can always hope, right?_ No matter how futile and outlandish an idea is, there's _always_ hope.

With the same brave smile never leaving my face, I blew out the few large candles that had been placed on the table. Everyone laughed and cheered, and people, even some I didn't recognize, pulled me into a hug and wished me a happy birthday again.

Despite my previous thoughts on my ex-best friend, I couldn't help but think my birthday had been much more than happy; this had been my _dream_ birthday party.

Later that night, at about twelve AM, Matt said it was time to head home. I had to agree with him. Although I was having fun, I was more than tired. Inside, I felt like a zombie and all I really wanted to do was curl up under my blankets and go to sleep. Val had decided to stay back a while longer with the girls, and it was just Matt and I as we dropped Dannii off at her house. I'd barely been coherent enough to say goodbye to her, and by the time we got back to the house, I found it hard stumbling out of the SUV and walking sluggishly up to the front door.

Matt laughed as he unlocked the door, placing an arm around my shoulder to steady me. "You sure you didn't have anything to drink tonight, Patey?" When all I did was let out a tired, incoherent grumble as we climbed the stairs, he laughed. "Did you have fun tonight?"

"Mm... yeah. It was amazing actually, thank you." I said, wanting to wake up a little and make sure he knew just how amazing tonight had been for me.

"There's no need to thank me, P. It was the least I could do."

"You should go back to the party," I yawned, leaning my head against his shoulder. We were nearing my room door then. "You should have stayed. Go back and have some fun. Get wasted and whatnot," I continued, still yawning slightly. I barely had any idea as to what I was saying.

But it was true. Matt and the guys had been so incredibly busy over the past few months with their record; they'd barely had any time to relax at all. Especially Matt, who had to look after _me_ on top of that.

He paused at my door and stared down at me for a moment before giving me a 'look'. "Payton, do you really think I'm going to go back to _your_ birthday party and have fun without you?"

Still, I tried to convince him to go back. I _wanted_ him to go back and have some fun for once. All he did was shush me and place a kiss on my forehead. "Go to sleep, kid. You need your sleep; Val's taking you out shopping tomorrow."

Finally, I gave up on the idea and gave him a tired nod, mumbling a groggy 'night' before slipping into my room, falling asleep as soon as I collapsed onto my bed.

--

Review? _Please?_

4


	4. Chapter Three

The next day, I woke up on my own terms. Which was surprising, to say the least. Jimmy, and in the worst cases he was usually accompanied by Johnny, wasn't there to scream in my ear until I couldn't take it anymore and _had_ to get up, and Brian wasn't there to threaten me with bodily harm.

In other words, the day was off to a great start.

When I stumbled into my bathroom, I realized that I hadn't taken all the Halloween makeup (or the costume) off and it was clumped and uneven in a lot of places, making my face look like it was straight out of a horror movie. No longer being able to stare at my reflection, I peeled the costume off hopefully for the last time and jumped into the shower. I came out; squeaky clean and free of anything that made me even remotely resemble Dr. Evil or Mini-Me.

I chose to dress casual, just a pair of dark cargo shorts and a black tank top. I didn't want to do much today, just laze around until Dannii came later that night for the sleepover we had planned. It was officially Halloween, and we had planned to just hang out down in the lounge and watch a couple of scary movies. We were thinking about stealing some of the candy Matt and Val had piled up by the door for the trick-or-treaters, too.

After I finished my morning routine, it was around eleven AM and the house was quiet, Matt and Val's voices filtering through the hallways from the kitchen as I made my way down the stairs.

Last night was still as fresh as ever in my mind, and truthfully I was still buzzing. I played a solo with Slash. And I _aced_ the solo with Slash. Dannii and I made conversation with the Madden twins, Bert McCracken asked for a picture with me, and I had just about _the_ coolest birthday cake ever.

How could it have been any better? Well, if a certain person had been there... it would have been perfect.

As soon as I began thinking about him, I pushed the thought to the back of my head. _No_. There was no use wishing for someone who pretty much hated my guts to be there. I was just ruining everything for myself by thinking like that. Ruining a near perfect thing that everyone had worked so hard on just for me. Once again, I felt like I was being selfish.

Matt and Val gave me a welcoming smile when I made my appearance in the kitchen, sitting across from them at the island. I was surprised to see that there wasn't a plate in my spot filled sky high with breakfast Matt expected me to eat, but I didn't say anything about it.

"Morning, Patey," Val greeted, glancing between Matt and me. That made me tense slightly, wondering what they could have been planning, or what they were talking about before I came downstairs. But the smile never left her face, so I tried not to think too much of it. "You ready to go out today? I have a lot planned. It's gonna be a blast."

_Crap. _I'd completely forgotten about that. In my defence, Matt had picked a bad time to tell me when I was practically falling asleep on my feet. Nonetheless, I kept my easy-going smile up and nodded enthusiastically. "Just you and me?" I asked, that was sort of odd. Rarely, if ever, was it just the two of us. Matt visibly nudged Val with his elbow, and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

_Could they be any more obvious?_

Her grin became even wider then, to the point where it was almost strained. No, _there's nothing going on there._ "Just us." She confirmed, and then sent another look toward Matt.

"No breakfast," Matt began, his smile becoming even wider, too. "Val's taking you to the Ruby's on the pier."

Hesitantly, I nodded. I'd only to Ruby's Diner a few times before, and it felt like I didn't belong. It was always filled with locals, surfers and whatnot, people who lived in Huntington their entire lives. Most of the time I did not regret living in Canada for most of my life, but I did when I went in there. And I _did not_ like regretting the time spent in my first home in Canada.

"Yeah, we're gonna walk around a lot today and visit some of the local shops and stuff. It's about time you really got a feel for Huntington," Val easily continued, the tense feel in the air had pretty much disappeared by then. Once again, I agreed with a nod. Maybe after today I wouldn't feel like such an outsider when I'm out of the house. She wiggled her eyebrows at me. "It's gonna be fun."

Needing to get away from their almost _worried_ stares, I quickly made up an excuse to get back upstairs for a minute. "Just let me grab a hoodie and then I'll be ready to go, okay?"

Even though it was October, and it was usually a little cold out for California, it was oddly warm out today. I still slung a hoodie on though, just in case as I knew we'd be walking quite a bit.

The drive to the beach was quick, and when we got there Val said we wouldn't be needing the SUV anymore today until we were ready to go home. I'd never actually walked around Huntington just to enjoy all of the sights and sounds, so I was sort of excited for this today.

Despite feeling awkward at Ruby's Diner, it was still a great experience. It was everything you expected from a diner at the end of a pier, it was sixty's themed and had all of the classic stuff like red and white leather seats and tables and whatnot. The food wasn't too bad, either.

As usual, I let Val order for me because she'd been there many more times than I had and she knew what tasted good and what _didn't_ taste good. The waitress approached our table almost immediately after we got in, dressed in the standard red and white mini-skirt, blouse, and apron. She tapped her notepad almost irritably as she took our order, which consisted of two _California Eggs Benedict_ and a few soda's.

"So, P," Val started after the waitress had finally walked away, her tone easy-going but the look in her eyes told me she was anxious. I prepared to choose my words carefully. "Did you enjoy the party last night?"

I nodded vigorously at that, which only made Val laugh. "Yeah, it was frigging amazing Val. I honestly can't thank you guys enough," I said quietly, tracing the scratches in the metal-topped table.

"This was your first birthday with us, Payton. We had to make it count," Val said, her tone completely honest. I hadn't thought of it that way before. "Matt feels like he needs to make up for all the years he's missed with you."

Why did I feel bad? I _shouldn't_ feel bad about this. It wasn't my fault my mother felt like she needed to keep me away from Matt, as good of a dad as he was, I sometimes wondered _why_, but again, I didn't let myself think about it for too long. Apparently, there weren't any answers to the question anyway. "He... he shouldn't feel that way, Val," I stated, but she held up her hand to cut me off.

"No, no, Patey. There's no use in trying to convince him otherwise. He'll get over it eventually. But anyway, how are things with you lately?" She asked, changing the subject to something I wanted to talk about even less.

Keeping my gaze averted to the table, I continued to trace everything in the table, finding that I wasn't able to meet her eyes. "Everything's been great, Val. The party was just awesome, and school's been okay since uh, you know, Andy's not there."

"That's good."

Our breakfast came then, and I went straight to eating, thankful for the distraction from talking about things I didn't want to talk about. It was obvious that there was quite a bit more Val wanted to say or _ask_, and every now and then she glanced up at me through her food for the briefest of seconds before quickly going back to her meal. I pretended I didn't notice.

Things are almost tense when we made our way out of the diner, but I found that I really liked spending time with Val. It wasn't that I ever disliked her (it was quite the opposite, actually). Even though I'd been there for almost an entire year, I'd never really gotten the chance to be alone with her before then.

We spent hours just walking around, and I found things, places that I'd never gotten the chance to take notice of before like the Pier Plaza, which acted as an arts and culture center. Val told me that there were almost always free concerts there, but today everything was quiet and relaxed. We took a break there before heading farther down Main Street to the Surf Walk of Fame, and while I didn't know _any_ of the names, like everything else it was amazing to just see and look at.

Then, we ventured back to the beach, near the pier and we did something I'd heard the guys talking about, something they had wanted me to do. Mainly because I miserably failed at making sandcastles one beach day a few months ago, and I guess Val hadn't forgotten. The locals had this thing, mainly for _tourists,_ where they give you a tutorial on how to make sandcastles.

It went by without a hitch, mainly because the dude who was instructing was doing practically everything for both Val and me, but I can't say I really minded. It was still fun, and I did learn a thing or two, like I couldn't just pile a bunch of sand up and say 'tada!' like I had before.

At the end of the day, we stopped off to get some ice cream at a cute little stand that was placed at the beginning of the pier. We ate in silence on the way back to the SUV, my feet were aching from such a long day's worth of walking, but I could have still stayed out for another hour or so.

"Alright—wait, Payton!" Val said, stopping in the middle of the parking lot and grabbing my arm—the one that wasn't holding my Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream, thankfully. I did a double take on her, and immediately grew apprehensive. In a split second, she'd gone from happy and carefree to exhausted, the same look that had been in her eyes at the diner. "There's more I wanted to talk about." She said slowly, looking down at me as if I were going to spontaneously combust at the mentioning of 'talking'.

I kept a straight face, like usual, and gave her a small, 'relaxed' smile. "Okay, how 'bout in the car?" I asked, hoping she'd get the hint that I didn't want to get into any heavy topics with her in the middle of a parking lot.

She gave me an almost embarrassed smile before continuing to the SUV, still holding my wrist as if I were going to try and book it out of there at any given moment. Seriously, _what was up with her?_

"We're worried about you," She stated, flatly once we were securely buckled into the seats in the car. She took a deep breath and stared straight ahead. "I mean—I know things have been a lot better of the past few months, but we—everyone—loves you and we can't help but worry about you." She hurried, managing to say all of that in one breath.

Already, she looked better for finally getting that off her chest. But then it was my turn to feel queasy. _What the hell was I going to say?_ "Val, things _have_ been getting better, I'm fine. Honest." I said, my tone sounding hollow to me but I sincerely hoped it didn't to her. I did _not_ want everyone stressed out with worrying about me like they had last year.

"Alright, okay..." She trailed off, finally meeting my eyes, probably looking for truth in them. I gave her my best 'sincere' stare. "But Matt's mainly been worried about you because he's noticed that you haven't been talking to him about things as much as you used to. And he just feels a lot better when you tell him what's going on with you."

"I haven't been talking to him about _things_ because there really hasn't been much to talk about, Val. I'm _fine,_" I said, stressing the word in hopes that it would make her believe me a little more.

Finally she seemed to let the topic go, giving me one last glace before turning the key in the ignition. "If you say so, Patey. But even if you just talk to him about things that don't matter, it'd make him feel better. Can you do that for me?"

For a moment, I mulled it over. As long as Matt and I didn't get into anything that was too heavy of a topic for me to handle, I would agree. But 'heavy topics' were all Matt seemed to want to talk about. "Alright, but tomorrow okay? Dannii's coming over in like, an hour."

Simply nodding, Val grinned and clapped her hands before she pulled out of the parking lot, again completely at ease. I felt slightly better too, but knowing the fact that _everyone_ was worried about me, well, that in turn made _me_ worried too.

I just wished everyone would stop worrying about me, even though I knew they only meant the best by being so concerned over me. Like I had said to Val, _I was fine._ Why couldn't everyone else seem to believe that, too?

When we got back to the house and stepped out of the car, I froze, my hand resting on the door handle as I realized something. Had I just lied through my teeth in the conversation I'd just had with Val? _No..._ I was fine. There _wasn't_ anything I wanted to talk about.

Thankfully, Val took no notice of my pause in step and I hurried to catch up with her at the door. Once again, the house was quiet, but everyone's shoes were lined off in the foyer. And when we finally got into the living room where everyone was seated, it looked like someone had _died._ I immediately did a headcount, fearing the worst, but everyone was there. _Nothing to worry about._

Matt stood up from the loveseat as soon as he saw us, and he looked nervous as hell. "Payton," He began, not taking a step closer. "Did you—do you remember taking any pictures with anyone last night?"

Of course I did. Who could forget such a thing as Bert McCracken asking for you picture? And that was exactly what I said to Matt. When he heard it, he sighed and ran a hand down his face, exasperated.

"He posted it to his twitter, Patey. And let's just say a lot of people—a lot of our fans—saw it."

That got me on red alert, and I immediately began pacing around the sofas, everyone's eyes on me as I tried to rationalize on the severity of the situation. "Okay, but it's not like they know who I am, right?" When no one said anything, I began to panic even more. "Right?" I squeaked, my voice barely capable of being heard.

Wordlessly, Zacky stood up and handed a laptop to me. On the screen, while it was at one of A7X's fan sites, there was a screen cap of one of Bert McCracken's tweets, with the picture. The exact one in the dim lighting with my hair all over the place from just being up on stage with Slash. The caption below it was what really got me, though.

'Here at M. Shadows daughters b-day party! She just played a solo with Slash! = fucking awesome!'

As soon as I had read that, I shoved the laptop back to Zacky and collapsed on an empty sofa. "I doomed! I can't go to school. Everyone's gonna recognize me and give me a bunch of shit! That's it. I'm going into hiding." I said, quite dramatically and jumped up from the couch, fully prepared to lock myself in my room for all of eternity. Or at least until my hunger got the better of me.

Matt placed his hands on my shoulders and pushed me back down on the sofa, trying to calm me down. There was _no_ calming me down when I was in this state, though. "Payton, it's not as bad as it seems. It's just one picture, and Bert deleted it about two minutes after he posted it. And I know, the fans have it now, but it is only _one_ picture and a couple of words."

Matt's words did not comfort me, not like I had been expecting them to. I forced myself to calm down, though. I could not get hysteric in front of everyone. But that didn't stop me from collapsing back onto the sofa, burying my head into one of the cushions. "They're gonna murder me in school, Matt. Seriously. Those kids are out for blood!"

"It's not gonna be that bad, Mini," Jimmy began, and I shifted so I could stare at him out of the corner of me eye. "Besides, if anyone gives you shit in school, we'll be cracking some motherfucking skulls!" He yelled, and slapped Johnny upside the head for added effect.

Thankfully, that managed to lighten the mood and calm me down at least a little so I could think reasonably. Really, all I could do was lay low and wait and see what happens in school on Monday.

One thing was for sure though, I was going to _stop_ worrying about it and just have fun with Dannii tonight, and then I'd have all day tomorrow to freak myself out over everything.

To say the least, I was _dreading_ school on Monday.

3


	5. Chapter Four

The front door opening could be heard from where I was in the living room, and I smiled inwardly when I could hear Dannii cussing under her breath as she hurriedly tried to unlace her Chuck Taylors. She was in a rush, obviously, and I figured that she wanted to talk to me about it so I got up to greet her.

A split second after I got up—I didn't even have the chance to move away from the sofa—Danni appeared in the archway, gasping for breath as if she just ran all the way to the house. "Geez, Dannii, something on your mind?" Zacky laughed from his seat on the loveseat, we were still lounging around in there after I'd found out that Bert McCracken had let the cat out of the bag.

Crumpled up in one of her hands was a piece of paper, and as soon as she saw me she began hurriedly smoothing it out. She ignored Zacky's remark, staring at the piece of paper before her gaze flickered to me. "Have you seen this?" She questioned, turning the paper toward me.

I recognized it right away. It was a print out of the exact news article Zacky had shown me earlier. My hands went to my eyes as if what I'd seen had scarred me for life, and I groaned as I turned away from her. "I'll take that as a yes...: She trailed off and I could hear the re-crumpling of the paper as she stuffed it back into her pocket.

"Look, can we just... can we just forget about this at least for tonight?" I asked, my tone pleading. I still wanted to go through with the plan I had thought up earlier that day, the one where I could freak about everything _tomorrow_ and just relax and somehow make it a fun night.

Sounds of happy agreement echoed throughout the room, which only made me sigh in relief. If no one talked about it, it made it much easier for me not to about, either.

It looked like Dannii wanted to say something, but nonetheless she nodded and smiled in agreement. "So... movies?" I asked, pointing toward where I thought the kitchen—and the stairs leading to the basement—were. The guys and girls usually always claimed the upstairs living room (I don't know _why_ though, because the lounge is obviously so much cooloer), so Dannii and I had made a habit of favouring the lounge so there wouldn't be any bickering over who gets to crash where.

Dannii looked a whole lot more chipper at hearing that, and she nodded enthusiastically and patted her overnight bag. "I've got the shit, P. It's gonna be awesome."

"What 'shit' is that?" Matt asked, raising an eyebrow as he stared at her almost suspiciously. I rolled my eyes, but said nothing as I stared back at Dannii. _I_ didn't even know what she was talking about, and I wanted to know, too.

"This shit'll really mess you up, man. You'll be tripping for days!" A smirk erupted across her features then, and she acted as if she hadn't even heard Matt at all.

Quickly, I realized what she was doing and held back a laugh, choosing to go along with it when I saw that Matt looked like he was about to have a stroke. "_Awesome,_ well let's get started then!" I said, hooking arms with her, about to skip off down to the lounge.

Matt was up before we even made through the threshold, his hand shooting out to grasp my shoulder as he pulled as back into the living room. He was breathing heavily, like he was hyperventilating, and I held back another snicker. I mean, yeah, I didn't like him worrying about me as much as he did, but sometimes he just took it over the top.

"What," Dannii began innocently, reaching into her bag. "You want some too?" She asked after she slowly pulled out what she'd been hiding. Matt's face fell into a look of relief when he saw what she was holding, an energy drink. One of many, by the looks of it.

Finally, I cracked and broke down laughing, hiding my face but still not being able to tear my gaze away from Matt's face. It was _priceless._ But then, he began to realize what we'd done and he glared at the both of us, crossing his arms. I took that as our chance to get away, my shoulders still heaving with laughter as I hauled Dannii out of the living room as quickly as possible.

We collapsed onto one of the sofas in the lounge, still chuckling slightly, but we got straight into picking out a movie. We already had all of our movies laid out on a coffee table—waiting to be picked. They were all scary, obviously, but most of them were gory, which I could easily handle.

"Let's start off with something easy, like uh... _Eight Legged Freaks?_ Or—_"_ Dannii stopped short when we heard footsteps, or it sounded more like multiple people tumbling down the stairs.

Soon, Zacky and Brian made their appearance, both of them grinning as they glanced at the selection of movies that were still on the table. "You sure you can handle these movies, girls?" Zacky asked, his eyes twinkling with mischief.

"They are pretty scary..." Brian agreed, looking pointedly at movies like _The Exorcist_ and _The Ring._

"Psh, yeah right," Dannii snorted, pumping her fist in the air. I had a feeling that she had already consumed a few Monsters beforehand. "Bring it on!"

While she was doing that, I sat there meekly on the sofa beside her. Maybe I had a _slight_ problem with the movies Brian had seemed to be so interested in. I could take movies with mindless gore, but it was the ones that messed with your head that really got to me. How Brian knew that, I had no idea.

Obviously, because they were just mean like that (or they could smell fear, which I didn't doubt at all), both Brian and Zacky noticed my hesitance to agree with Dannii. "What about you, Patey?" Brian asked, his smirk intensifying.

I instantly put on a tough face, refusing to let any emotion (or how undeniably nervous I was at the thought of watching those particular movies) show on my features. "Fuck yeah," I said, sticking my tongue out at them.

"You _sure?_ I mean, Matt probably wouldn't want you watching stuff like that if it bothers you..." Zacky prodded, knowing that would bother me even more. He got the reaction he was looking for out of me, but only because I wanted them to leave us alone so we could watch the movie in peace.

"Alright, get upstairs you freaks!" I said, standing up and shooing them away until we could once again hear the laughing and tumbling _up_ the stairs.

My breaths came out in short, shallow gasps as I clutched the edge of the leather sofa in vice grip. Dannii was oblivious to my obvious discomfort, her eyes glued to the TV screen. I hadn't begun my freak-out until when Brian had predicted I would. We weren't even twenty minutes into _The Exorcist_ and yet there I was, ready to clamp my hands over my eyes and never take them away again. _God, why did I have to be such a pansy when it came to those movies?_

A small, tiny movement in my peripheral vision immediately caught my attention; it was as if something had moved one of the end tables on the other side of the sofa. The air filled with a tense, terrified thickness. That night when Andy had attacked me kept flashing through my mind, and I couldn't help but close my eyes and focus on slowing down my breathing.

Hands unexpectedly gripped my shoulders then, and I couldn't hold back the scream that erupted from my throat. Images of that night were the only thing I could see for a moment, and then laughing snapped me out of my daze.

I took the chance to look around and actually try and figure out what was going on. Brian was holding my shoulders, now in a much more relaxed grip as he couldn't contain his laughing. Zacky was in the same position with Dannii across from me, except they were _both_ laughing.

Of course, I _did not_ find that funny. I knew they meant nothing by it, but I had just relived things I didn't even like thinking about. The only word that could describe my thoughts then was _irrational_.

"You're fucking dead, Haner!" I seethed, whipping around to glare at him.

Both he and Zacky slowly looked at each other then, and Dannii halted her laughing. In a flash, they had both taken off, lightning fast as they pushed and shoved each other to get out of there first. Yet I remained where I was, fists clenched at my sides as my eyes remained closed. I had to calm down before I did something I would regret.

Moments later, I opened my eyes and turned back to Dannii, plastering on a smirk similar to the ones Zacky and Brian had been wearing. Dannii had paused the movie a split second after Brian and Zacky had scared us, and I did not like the thought of going back to watch it. "Revenge?" I asked simply, eagerly shifting my weight from foot to foot.

We bounded from the room and up the stairs as soon as I had uttered such a word, but we tried to remain quiet. Like them, we were aiming for a surprise attack. I squeaked when someone caught me around the waist, we were up in the kitchen by then, and talking and laughing echoed in from around the poolside. We were _so close._

"What are you doing?" Jimmy asked, excitement in his tone. I guess he figured from the way we were sprinting up the stairs, either the basement was engulfed in flames or we were doing something fun.

The smirk still gracing my face, I looked up at him hesitantly. "We're getting Dumb and Dumber back for scaring us." Dannii shifted nervously beside me, and I could tell she was wondering whether or not telling Jimmy what we were trying to do was a good idea or not. After all, he _could_ (as he had done a few times before) take _their_ side.

Jimmy looked as if I had just told him that we'd won a trip to The Chocolate Factory. He began bouncing up and down with pure excitement. "I have the _perfect plan._"

Just a few minutes later, Jimmy sat on a lawn chair, straight across from where Zacky and Brian were sitting next to each other. He'd already helped us out there on the deck to the point where all we had to do was walk a few steps and we'd be right next to them. Jimmy had them engrossed into a conversation regarding their upcoming album and how excited he was for it, and while he talked about that he inconspicuously flicked his wrist.

Dannii and I rolled our eyes and chuckled at his 'sign', but nonetheless we put our plan into action. It was simple, probably even more so than theirs was with just scaring us. We stepped out of the shadows of the overhang, quickly walking out so we were pretty much standing directly in front of them.

Thankfully, their chairs were situated so their backs were to the edge of the pool, making this almost _too_ easy for us. They had stopped their talking then, and stared up at us warily, yet they didn't move from their seat. We had ditched our plans of a surprise attack. In a split second, I had my foot up and hooked under Brian's chair, laughing at the 'oh shit' look on his face. My hands went to his shoulders to push him back, knowing that I wouldn't be strong enough to get him to fall back with just my foot.

They both went tumbling into the water almost at the same time, and I realized that Dannii had promptly followed my actions and done the same as I had but with Zacky. We leaned against each other as we laughed at the two drenched men who were still in the water, their beloved chairs then floating a few meters away from them.

The rest of the guys and girls—including Jimmy—had joined in with our laughing by then, and it only intensified when Zacky and Brian lazily pulled themselves out of the pool, their clothing weighed down with all the water.

"What," I began, looking toward Brian as he patted his face with a towel. "You really didn't think we were gonna let you get away with that, did you?"

_Yes, that had been a good distraction from what would surely have been a major freak out on my part. _


	6. Chapter Five

Chapter Five

Things were tense the next morning, and I honestly hadn't the slight clue as to _why_ Matt was giving me an odd look when Dannii and I stumbled downstairs at noon for some lunch breakfast. All he did was give Dannii a tight smile and a nod before retreating to the living room.

I was fully clothed. My hair didn't look like a bird had nested in it for once, so in my book I was good and I just ignored his strange behaviour.

It wasn't until I was seeing Dannii out about an hour after we had finished breakfast—her mother had called for her—that I started to get a little nervous about what Matt could have been thinking about. "See you later, on MSN 'kay?" I said, grinning as I have Dannii a hug goodbye.

Truthfully, I was only half listening to her as my thoughts were focused on Matt, who was still in the living room. All I was focusing on was getting back up stairs because obviously, something was on his mind. Something that he more than likely wanted to _talk_ about.

To concrete my reason to be worried even further, everyone else, even Val, had taken up residence on the back patio. Now, that wasn't anything out of the norm in the slightest, but what was odd about was that Matt hadn't joined them. And that usually only happened when he wanted to talk to me alone.

_As if I didn't have enough to worry about,_ what with my impending doom in school tomorrow that would surely make a trip to _hell_ seem like taking a leisurely stroll through the old lady's perfume section in a department store.

"Payton? C'mere for a sec, would you?"

Having a 'talk' or even getting into an argument with Matt (yes, we _were_ getting along a lot better those days, but that wasn't to say we didn't still have our ups and downs) was not in my list of things to do that day. I just wanted to go up to my room, squirrel away with my guitar, and continue with my worrying about school the next day in peace.

At first, I tried to ignore him and set one foot on the first step of the stairs, my gut filling with uneasy anticipation. If he knew me like he thought he did, he would know that I wasn't going in there without at least a _little_ bit of a fight.

Even from out in the foyer, I could hear him heave a long, almost exhausted sigh. "I'll just come up and get you if you go to your room."

I too let out a sigh similar to his, rolling my eyes as I turned away from the staircase in defeat. However, I did not go any further than that, I simply stared at the archway of the living room as if it would swallow me whole if I even went near it.

In the few short seconds I had before Matt began to get even more frustrated with me, I started working through all the possibilities. Really, there were only two. I was either in trouble, or we were going to have the talk I'd been so worried about. Neither of those possibilities was even remotely appealing to me.

Finally, I groaned and made my way into the living room, not wanting to prolong this anymore than I already had. I just wanted to get it over with, but that didn't mean I was going to make it as hard as possible for Matt to get through.

Once I dragged myself over to the sofa across from him, I nose-dived onto it and looked at Matt with a bored expression. _No, I was not going to make this easy for him._ I didn't like how worried he always was about me. I know he probably couldn't help it, but _damn,_ it gets annoying after a while.

He merely quirked an eyebrow at my hostile behaviour, seeming to have grown even more tense than he had been earlier. "So," He started slowly, as if he didn't want to tell me what he was going to say next. "We're... going on tour after the holidays."

With a gasp, I immediately dropped my nasty attitude and jumped up from the sofa. "Holy _shit,_ are you serious? _Can I come?!"_ I demanded, bouncing on my feet giddily. If I had known this was what he had wanted to talk about, I would have been _much_ more receptive.

Still, he was unfazed by my reaction, and only pursed his lips as he stared at me, almost as if he were trying to will me to say something else. His hand reached out to something on the floor, and I instantly knew why he wasn't joining in on the excitement with me.

In his hand, he held my _backpack._ And if I remembered correctly, none of its contents would help me in my mission of going on tour with the guys. A wave of shear panic mixed with disappointed wracked my body, causing me to quietly sit back on the sofa.

Silently, I watched as he fished a small stack of papers that had once resided crumbled up in the bottom of my backpack. They had since been smoothed out and put back together. I shrunk back and swallowed loudly at the sight. _Okay, so I was most definitely in trouble._

He tossed them onto my lap after he got up, standing in front of my with his arms crossed. I refused to look up at him or at the papers on my lap, so I settled for tracing the leather stitching on the sofa.

"What are they?" He asked quietly, and I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he pointed down at them. "What are they?" He repeated, a little louder when I didn't answer.

I decided then that like usual, I would try and put up my tough exterior. "Tests." I managed to squeak out, hating how meek my voice sounded. I was finding it increasingly difficult to hold up my hard-headed facade because honestly, I felt like I was about to cry. Not because I'd been caught with a bunch of flunked tests that Matt had no prior knowledge about, but because I knew that I more than likely wasn't going to be allowed to go on tour.

After emitting another long, exasperated sigh, he ran his hand down his face and sat back down on 'his' sofa. "I don't even know where to begin, Patey." He said, after letting a few moments of silence pass.

"They're—they're just a couple of tests, Matt. It's only October—er, November." I said, my words coming out jumbled as I continued to try and hold back tears.

Really, I hadn't thought it was a big deal. Up until then, at least. I wanted to kick myself for being lazy at the start of the year with the notion that I was going to catch up eventually. I should have known that Matt was going to go bat-shit over it.

But again, I couldn't say I was really worried about my grades, not specifically. _I wasn't going to be allowed to go on tour._ The guys had been a wonderful, amazing and welcomed distraction from my thoughts over the past few months.

What was I going to do without them? _What was I going to do without them?_ The question seemed to be all I could think about. I wondered what it would be like not to hear both Jimmy and Johnny's banter throughout the house, not to have Brian and his sidekick Zacky there to annoy me at the worst of times. And most of all, what would it be like without Matt there?

Sure, I may not have exactly _liked_ talking to him, but I couldn't deny that it helped me no matter how little of it we actually spoke about. I was almost hyperventilating at the _thought_ of them leaving for a couple of months—maybe even more—without me.

"They're not just a couple of tests, Payton," Matt said sharply, snapping me out of my trance. "Report cards are coming up next month, and how do you think you're gonna get your grades up in time?"

_That was next to impossible,_ but I sure as hell wasn't about to tell him that. I momentarily ignored his question, my thoughts still racing. "Matt—dad, come on. You're still gonna let me go on tour right? _Right?"_ I asked hurriedly, gingerly placing the stack of paper aside. I needed to know this before the conversation went any further.

"You _could_ do online schooling, but Patey, that would be hard enough even if your grades were where they should be. It'd just be that much tougher going on tour, dealing with our crazy schedule, and trying to get your grades up on top of that." He paused and I closed my eyes, it being the only way I could then contain my tears.

"Matt, _please._ Please let me go on tour with you." I said, it seeming to be all I could get out and I had always _hated_ begging.

"Payton, I just... I just don't see how that's gonna be possible. I'm sorry." His eyes and tone had softened considerably when he heard me, and the worst part was he didn't even know how much this was going to affect me.

His words made it final. They were going on tour, and they were going to leave me behind. I wasn't able to listen to him anymore, I couldn't even look at him. I just got up and held my hand to the side of my face so he couldn't see that I was crying.

Usually, I would have made a dramatic departure, yelled a few profanities, or at least argued with Matt a little before I locked myself in my room. But that day, I got up as quietly as my worried, scared feet would let me and hurried up to my room—crying the entire way as I ignored Matt's worried calls for me.


	7. Chapter Six

Chapter Six

"Get out of the car, Payton."

"Payton, _get out of the car._"

For the third time since we got in the SUV, I ignored Matt. Ice was running through my veins, panic had completely taken over my rational thoughts. My breaths were uneven and laboured, and they were growing shorter and shallower by the second.

I was trying my damndest to ignore him, yet I was about to go into a freak-out, which I'd never had when it wasn't dream-related. I was _scared_ out of my mind, and yet again Matt had no idea.

Kids were staring at the SUV already; they knew who was occupying it. Did they all know? No, that had to be impossible. Not _everyone_ cared about that sort of thing, did they? I mean, Matt had aviators and a large tucker hat on backwards. He said it was a disguise, I said it was his signature.

Of course, I didn't actually _say_ it to him. I hadn't spoken to him since the night before, and that was only when we were arguing about my grades. I'd barely acknowledged him _or_ the guys since then. Yeah, I felt utterly horrible about it. But what was going to happen when they left? I _couldn't_ continue depending on them like I had been doing for the past few months, because I knew that soon, they wouldn't be there for me to lean on.

I had to detach myself; from everyone that I managed to find any kind of comfort in. And I planned on doing so as quickly as possible. "Patey, it's not gonna be so bad. You're overreacting. If I were you, I'd be proud."

His arrogant side was beginning to come out again, and it only made it that much easier to ignore him.

Several kids were huddled together on a bench, whispering to each other and stealing glances at the SUV every now and then. That was what my attention was focus on, not Matt. My breath caught in my throat when one of them was bold enough to actually _point_ at our car. I knew one thing for sure then, I sure as hell _hadn't_ been overreacting.

"Payton, I swear to God," He was beginning to get frustrated. I could feel his harsh glare on me through the rear-view mirror. "If you get your ass into that school right now, I'm gonna carry you—"

His threat scared me a little—because M. Shadows carrying his kicking and screaming daughter into the school would surely cause a _huge_ scene that would just make everything that much worse than it already was. But he had stopped short on his threat, and hadn't said anything after that. This could have only meant that he finally noticed I was having a mini-stroke in the back seat of his car.

_About fucking time._

"P? Sweetie, are you okay?" His tone had changed dramatically from about-to-blow-a-gasket to worried and concerned in a split second. I could still feel his gaze on me, he had turned around in his seat to stare back at me. Yet I couldn't tear my gaze away from those gawking teenagers. It had gotten to the point where they were being _obnoxious_ about it.

As quickly as his mood had changed, he was out of the SUV and to my side of the car, wrenching the door open. I was still focused on the kids who I could unfortunately no longer see because Matt was blocking my line of vision. I bet they were just about shitting themselves at that moment, and I was almost happy that I _couldn't_ see their reaction.

"What's wrong, baby?" He asked, coming closer to embrace me. I shrunk away from him, chanting 'Detach!' over and over in my mind. His frown deepened and his eyebrows furrowed in concern, but he refused to give up. He just reached in further and pulled me into a hug. I had no choice but to return it.

As much as I didn't want it to, I felt a little better from his hug. I sniffed, and only then did I realize that I had been crying. _When had I become such a pansy?_

When Matt pulled away and he too noticed that I was crying, he sighed. "Do you wanna go home?" He asked, finally breaking down.

No, that would only prove that I'd grown soft over the last few months. Which really didn't make any sense at all since I lived with a bunch of rowdy rock stars, but that was what I felt was happening. And then I had to prove myself them wrong.

Quickly, I peeked out behind Matt and with relief I saw that the kids had since vacated the bench. The bell had rung a few moments ago, and they had only left because they had to. Them leaving would make things a little easier, but I would have to make my entrance into a quiet classroom. I was_ not_ looking forward to that.

"No, no," I mumbled, my voice coming out unsure, but I had already made up my mind. Matt looked more confused than ever at that point, but relieved nonetheless, and almost _proud._ "I might as well get it over with." It was like my very first day all over again.

Managing to force a smile, I played with the fraying fabric on one of the rips in my jeans, still not being able to meet his gaze. He lifted up my chin and grinned at me. "Everything's gonna be fine, Patey. And I'll tell you what, if you get through the whole day with your head held high," He paused, his smile widening. "I'll think about making a deal with you."

Knowing what he meant, I perked up and replaced my fake smile with the most sincere one I could muster. I had side-stepped him and was out of the SUV just at the mentioning of 'a deal'. "Really?" I asked, wanting confirmation. "So what are you saying, that I can come on tour with you guys?"

"Wait, there's a catch. But a fair one," He held up his hands defensively when I gave him a look. "Go on, I said the _whole_ day, you know. And you're already missing it."

Thankfully, that was all it took for me to take off down the walkway. I was in higher spirits then, I didn't need any more of a pep talk from Matt than the one he'd already given me. And hopefully, it would last me the entire day as I knew I would need it. "And no skipping!" He yelled just before I was out of ear-shot. I groaned, liking the idea he'd just put into my head a little too much, but after a second thought I decided against it.

The entire point of this was to prove to everyone that I _wasn't_ scared or nervous as to how they would react.

Even though I was at least ten minutes late, there were still a few stragglers around, wandering around campus. They stared, but I completely ignored them and did just as Matt said, I held my head high and continued to my first class. Although I couldn't help but wonder how they had all found out so quickly, because it _had_ only happened that past weekend. The only conclusion I could come to was that news travels fast—especially when it's about a rock star's 'love child' (Matt probably wouldn't take too keenly to me calling myself a 'bastard' or 'illegitimate', even though they too were both very true) attending HB High.

Much to the principals and Mrs. Hoffmaster's displeasure, I'd gotten a seat in Mr. Thorne's advanced music class. As did Dannii, which we were both over the moon about. Thanks to coordinating last year when we were signing up for this year's courses, we got almost every class together. All except Health, which Matt had insisted that I take. I was guessing he was still trying to avoid 'the talk' at all costs, which I was completely with him on that.

"Payton, P, P-Body! My main woman!" Dannii screamed, this was her usual outburst _every_ morning.

Up until then, it hadn't happened in class. All the kids had quieted down the instant I stepped in, and everybody (including the neighbouring classrooms, too) easily heard it. They all stared at me with a newfound look of wariness—everyone except Dannii and Mr. Thorne, thankfully. Again, I ignored the stares and plunked down into a seat next to Dannii. Her outburst was nothing new; I was well used to it by then. I just _hated_ the stares that came with it at that moment.

"Alright, so, now that everyone's here," Mr. Thorne began, sending a wink my way. He hadn't marked me in as late, or else he would have made me go get a late slip. He was honestly still my favourite teacher, just for that. "We can start!"

Music class and all the ones following it went by the same; however it wasn't nearly as bad as it would have been had Dannii not been there by my side to endure it with me. She cracked jokes and directed the attention away from me, which I would be eternally grateful for.

Although I'd only managed to gain a few stares and a scattered whisper, I did not get my hopes up for I knew the worst was yet to come.

_Lunch._

Oh, the drama. Lunch was _always_ the place where it all went down. All the prissy arguments between rivalling preps happened there. The jock fights, the geek fights, the scattered and somewhat clichéd food fight that I'd happily taken part in at the cafeteria happened during the short, precious forty five minutes we got. It was where the cheerleaders cheated on their boyfriends, spread rumours, made scandals of themselves, and then at the end of the day they patted themselves on the back for a job well done.

When I'd gotten in the two fights with Andy and Larissa, it had been at lunch. And believe me, that had been enough drama to last me a lifetime. I had the same gut feeling that something was going to happen, and I tried my best to prepare myself for it.

No, to put it a little more simply, I _was not_ looking forward to lunch.

Most importantly, I could not get myself into a fight as I was sure that Matt wouldn't take too kindly to having to pick me up, whatever 'deal' he had in mind would surely be off then.

Dannii threw me a smile as we made our way down our beaten path that lead to our usual spot. The tree I'd claimed as my own on my very first day here was _still_ our number one spot to hang out. It was a little chilly out for Californian weather, but it was nothing I couldn't handle with the help of a hoodie.

We'd only been sitting down on the lush grass for a few minutes before we literally _smelled_ trouble. It was as if someone had fumigated their house with a huge, cheap bottle of perfume. We could smell it, even across the walk way where Larissa and her cronies were sat together under a tree similar to ours.

I'd been beyond disappointed when I found out that Larissa hadn't switched schools to be with her beloved Andy. Apparently she cared more about the reputation she'd built up and her position as 'Cheer Captain' than the boyfriend she had seemed to love so deeply just a few months before then.

She glared at me across the way, and I couldn't help but return it. We hadn't confronted each other since the fight we'd had, but that didn't mean things had cooled off between us. I still despised her as much as ever. Dannii tensed, noticing our not-so friendly exchange.

"Patey, come on," She sighed, nudging my shoulder with hers. "She's not worth it."

"I know, but just... _ugh,"_ I sighed, finally looking away from her and her pack of hyenas that were laughing at something 'funny' she had said. I could only imagine _who_ it had been about.

Throughout the next ten minutes, they had quieted down and huddled together a little more, whispering loudly to each other and giggling every so often. It made me sick to my stomach, knowing that if they weren't talking about me, they were talking about someone else. And for some reason that pissed me off even more.

Just when I was about to burst, one of her followers, who I knew as Sam, stood up and began timidly making her way over to us. _Figures, she'd send a shy one over so we couldn't cuss her out._ Really though, Sam wasn't that bad. She liked cheerleading as a sport, and didn't see it as just another way to climb higher on the social totem pole. I'd talked to her once or twice, and she was nice enough.

She just hung out with the wrong crowd. I had quite a bit of experience with _that,_ and how people can _really_ mess up your judgement. So I didn't blame her for tending to Larissa's every whim. "Uh, hey," She began, smiling down at us. Larissa's group had since quieted down so they could hear what we were saying. "So... is it true?"

It was easy to see that it was uncomfortable for her to ask that, and that she knew it wasn't her place to ask such a thing. I decided not to get angry yet and play dumb. "Is what true?"

"You know... about being uhm... M. Shadows' kid?" Her words came out fast and jumbled, and she clamped her hand over her mouth and closed her eyes once she finally got it out. Once she pulled her hand away, I saw her mouth "Sorry!" to me.

"What does it matter?" I snapped, starting to lose my cool. Sam visibly flinched, but I was starting not to feel sorry for her anymore. She should have been stronger; she should have stood up to Larissa and refused to approach us if she hated doing so as much as she seemed to.

"Because—because—" She stopped when she began stuttering and stared straight ahead, focusing on the trunk of the tree behind us. "Because Larissa wants to know if what she's been telling everyone is true."

My blood boiled when I heard that. No wonder word about me had spread so quickly—Larissa had started it. And when _Larissa,_ the head honcho/cheerleader says something, she's basically speaking through a loudspeaker. _Everyone_ hears about it, and _everyone_ believes it.

Slowly, Dannii stood up, her hands clenched at her sides as she stepped closer until she was in Sam's face. Sam looked absolutely scared out of her wits, which was kind of hilarious considering she had just under an entire foot over Dannii.

"Listen, Sam," Dannii started calmly, but loud enough for Larissa to hear. "Next time Larissa wants her dirt work done," She paused, waiting for Sam to timidly nod before she continued. "_Don't_ send one her lackeys to do it and get it done her fucking self!"

At that point Sam looked like she was about to piss herself out of fear, but I couldn't say she didn't have it coming for her. Dannii was known to stand up for her friends, and everyone knew it wouldn't be any different that time around. She wasted no time in turning on her heel and all but sprinting over to her group of 'friends', who had since gotten up when they heard what Dannii said, and they all patted Sam's back as they stormed away.

I couldn't help it once Dannii sat back down next to me, I gave her a wide smile. She laughed once she saw my face and we both high-fived each other. "Thanks, Dannii." I said, genuinely meaning it. I still didn't know what I would've said to Sam if Dannii hadn't been there, but it probably wouldn't have been nice.

"Anytime, P. Anytime."

"Matt, Matt, Dad, Matt, _Dad!_ Would you just hurry the fuck up and tell me?" I said, in a huff as we walked through the front door.

Ever since I got into the car I'd been heckling him about just what our 'deal' pertained to. But he refused to give me any details until we got back to the house. I couldn't help it. I was excited, and I was up for to do whatever I had to in order to reserve my bunk on that tour bus—by any means necessary.

And unfortunately for Matt, that included bugging the shit out of him.

By the time we got to the living room, I was bouncing on my feet in both excitement and apprehension. I hadn't been in such a good mood in quite a while—which was baffling considering what had happened over the past few days. I was just hoping Matt wasn't going to shoot me down.

Matt couldn't keep the smile from his face as he placed his hands on my shoulders, making me sit down. I suppose he was happy that I was in a better mood, a drastic difference from last night. I was afraid that had worried him a little too much.

He sat down in his usually spot, on the sofa across from me and observed me for a few moments. "So, how was your day?" He asked, clasping his hands together on his lap.

"Awe, Matt!" I groaned, hoping he wasn't going to have a long conversation or give me another lecture before we got into our 'deal'.

Like this morning, he held his hands up in defence. "Hey, I want to know, okay? It's important."

_To him,_ maybe. But I really didn't care to relive today's events. "It was okay," I started, not wanting to get too into it and give him something to dwell on. "I knew that simple phrase wouldn't suffice, though. "Larissa and her bitches were assholes but that's nothing new there. It was fine other than that, though!" I added hastily, seeing the worry spark in his eyes.

"If you're sure," He finally sighed, looking down for a moment before locking eyes with me again. "But we're gonna talk about it later. You ready to hear the deal now?" He laughed when I nodded eagerly. "Alright, well, if you can get your grades up to at least the passing mark by the time report cards come around, and if you get your grades up to an A by the time we go on tour, you can come."

"An _A?_ Matt, you're insane! There's no way I can get my grades up to an A by like, January!" It was quite possible; I wasn't going to admit that though. It just sounded like _way_ too much work for me. "How 'bout a C?" I quipped after a moment, smirking at him. If bargaining was really what it came down to, I was sure as hell ready to do a lot of it.

He paused, looking at me for another long, uneasy moment. "B and you got a deal."

Looking away, I scoffed, but nodded nonetheless. A B had been what I was aiming for, but I couldn't let Matt know that or he'd raise that bar up to an A again. Without warning, I was up from the sofa and had Matt engulfed into a hug. I was ecstatic, my mood even better than before.

"I'm gonna get you tutors or whatever you need to help you too, okay?" Matt asked, a smile in his tone. I simply nodded and hugged him tighter.

I was going to get my grades up and _I was going on tour._

3


	8. Chapter Seven

The weeks leading up to Christmas were pretty eventful for the Avenged family. Their album was coming out in the first week of January, and they were having quite a bit of fun teasing the fans with releasing their very first single off of the album early. Consequently, they'd been doing quite a few interviews and other PR crap, which didn't leave much time for Matt to interrogate me when it came to how I 'felt' about things.

On one hand, I was slightly thankful that he hadn't been around because you could _tell_ he was constantly worried about me, which then made _me_ worried about what he could be so concerned over. It honestly made me wish there was a time when he _wasn't_ worried about me. On the other, I really did miss him. As stressful as our talks usually were, I didn't mind them as long as they didn't result in a fight.

However, I'd taken it all in stride, when I was downstairs around everyone at least.

It was a Friday night, and I only had one more week of school left before holidays started. Then, almost immediately after the album was released, we were going to begin touring. Just a few hours earlier, I'd gotten my last test back before Christmas break, and I'd passed with a B+. Officially in the clear, I could finally say for certain I was going on tour.

"Something on your mind?" Matt asked as I entered the living room, noticing that I held my hands behind my back. A bottle of Guinness was perched in his hand on the armrest of the sofa. Usually he beat around the bush, but he could just be so straight-forward sometimes.

Out in the kitchen, I could hear Val softly humming to a Christmassy tune I wasn't able to recognize, and I momentarily admired the huge tree we'd put up earlier that night. This Christmas was turning out to be much better than last year's, which was spent alone, crying in my room back home.

"No, not really," I said, a small smile dancing across my lips as I removed my hands from behind my back, throwing the small bundle of stapled paper onto his lap. A smile of his own broke out when he saw the mark on the first page, and he it turned into a grin as he abruptly stood up to hug me.

"You have no idea how proud I am of you, Patey," He said, still smiling when he pulled away. Then that familiar cloud was cast over his eyes when I sat down next to him on the sofa. "But I didn't even know about this test, which only proves that you aren't talking to me as much as you used to."

I stiffened at that, and refused to look at him as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Anything on your mind, huh?" He pressed, making my insides roll in apprehension. I didn't want to ruin the perfect night we, as in him, Val, and I, had planned out. We were going to watch a bunch of cheesy Christmas movies, and that was it. Simple, fun, and light hearted was exactly what I needed then. I _didn't_ want to get into an argument with him.

"Dad, really, you've just been so busy lately I didn't want to bother..." I trailed off when I finally looked up at him, noticing his gaze darkening when I'd uttered anything about him not having time for me.

At hearing this, he set his beer on the coffee table and adjusted himself so he was facing me, his eyes narrowed as he scrutinised my slightly nervous, slightly withdrawn exterior. "You know I'd drop everything if you asked me to, Payton," His tone had become hard, reprimanding as he stared down at me with a stern expression which surely wasn't going to help me in opening up to him.

Knowing I'd opened up a whole new can of worms, I sighed and ran a hand down my face, choosing my words as carefully as possible. "I know, I'm sorry... there's just been a lot on my mind lately." I mumbled, still feeling unwilling to admit that.

That was very true indeed, there was so much on my mind, and I couldn't tell him half of it because he I _knew_ he wouldn't understand. I went with the half that I felt I was able to tell him, hoping I wouldn't have to go into detail about it. "Tomorrow, my mom's—it'll be one year since..." I stammered, hating the fact that talking about it still brought tears to my eyes.

Yes, the very next day would mark an _entire_ year since my mother's accident. And it _still_ was almost just as hard to talk about as it was just after it happened.

He let out a long sigh, bringing me into another hug. I relaxed into it, finding it to be much more comfortable when he couldn't see the pain I was going through that was reflecting on my face. "I wish you didn't have to go through any of this..." He mumbled into my hair, hugging me a little closer.

"Cookies are ready!" Val called from the kitchen, oblivious to the conversation Matt and I were having. I smiled slightly when we pulled away, and Matt laughed. In true Christmas spirit, Val had taken it upon herself to make Gingerbread cookies. How well they had turned out, I didn't know, but everything she had cooked yet was decent so I had hopes of nibbling on a cookie or two during our movie marathon.

I hadn't been lying when I told Matt what was on my mind. But as usual, there were _other_ things on my mind too. Everything still felt so different without Tyler, I didn't have any phone conversations to look forward to later that night or even the scattered email he used to sometimes send me. I missed them more than I could have ever imagined, and I still missed _him_ even after all that he'd put me through. That probably made me a pushover, but I couldn't change how I felt about my ex-best friend.

That being said, I couldn't tell Matt how I felt about Tyler. It just wasn't possible because to him, Tyler was just some punk who almost got his daughter into a truckload of serious shit. He wouldn't understand that in losing Tyler, I'd lost another family member. He meant so much more to me than I'd been letting on.

How could Matt think I was taking that so easily? I _never_ took anything easily. It just wasn't in my character to do so, and Matt knew that.

"Yeah, just give us a minute babe!" Matt called, turning back to me. "Patey, is there anything else on your mind? You know you can come to me about anything..." He repeated, and then his expression turned nervous. "Except, you know, _girly_ things, but you can go to Val or any of the girls or hell, even _Jimmy_ for that." He said, continuing to laugh lightly, but his expression was tired and worn as he talked. The only reason I could see it being was that he was _constantly_ hammering the 'you can talk to me about _anything_' line into my head every chance he got.

"I know, Matt. I know." I said, groaning as I leaned back into the couch. I couldn't cover up how annoying that phrase had become for me over the past few months.

"They're getting cold!" Val screeched, and I knew the cookies must have turned out good because it was obvious she _really_ wanted us to try them.

Seeing that as an escape, I jumped up from the sofa with every intent to book it into the kitchen, but I froze on the spot when I saw what had previously gone unnoticed under the coffee table. I hadn't laid my eyes on that familiar box since that weekend with Tyler, and just at my first glimpse of it, it was already bringing me to tears.

I glanced back at Matt as I waited for an explanation, my facial expression turning into the cold, tough exterior I was so used to wearing. Matt looked sheepish and worried at the same time. He stared up at me, eyes wide as he seemingly waited for me to blow up. "I'm sorry; it's not a good time anymore. It was a bad idea to take them out in the first place," He rambled, standing up so he could nudge the box even further under the coffee table and out of my sight.

Grabbing my wrist, he stopped me before I could run back up into the confines of my room. "We're not going to watch them, Patey. It was just an idea, okay? We're just gonna watch _National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation_ and all that good junk, alright?" He pleaded, knowing my plans of hiding up in my room all night because of one silly little box.

With a nod, I forced myself to smile and slowly removed my hand from his grip.

I had gotten what I wanted, I was going on tour, I had decent grades, and no one was going to surprise me with a bunch of old home videos later that night anymore. As we walked out into the kitchen and ate the cookies Val had slaved over, I pretended that nothing was _really_ bugging me as much things were, and that I was okay as I possibly could be. All the while, I couldn't help but wonder why I was always pretending. Why couldn't I ever just be _happy_ for once?


	9. Chapter Eight

"You see this, this is a backstage pass. They only give these to _special_ people!"

I snorted as I glanced over at Dannii, who was enthusiastically shoving her backstage pass into Brian's face while it was still attached to her neck. She, along with all the guys, were standing off to the side of the stage, and were doing the same thing as I was doing. Watching all of the roadies and techies run around in their haste to get everything ready for A7X's first show in months was surprisingly entertaining.

However, not only was I choosing to be lazy by not helping out, I was comfortable as I was sitting on an old sofa across from them. Up until then, Dannii had been accompanying me, but I guess the ten minutes we'd been sitting there had exceeded her attention span (I don't know how I expected her to sit there any longer, anyway—she had once again consumed multiple energy drinks prior to coming backstage).

"Oh, they sure do!" Jimmy squealed along with her, jumping up and down. "I've got lots of 'em!"

My chuckling turned into a full-blown laugh then, as it did with the rest of the guys, and Matt grinned at me from where he was leaning against the wall, happy that I seemed to be enjoying myself.

This was the night everyone had been waiting for, the fans, the _guys,_ and the rest of the A7X family. A home show in Long Beach was acting as the kick-start of the two month tour. Yes, I was excited for the tour in general, but I was sort of dreading the evident goodbye I was going to share with Dannii and the girls. I just hoped there wouldn't be any tears.

They weren't due on stage for another forty-five minutes, though, so everyone (inside the band, at least) was just killing time until they got the go-ahead.

Before I could witness anything else, anything _disturbing,_ I scanned the rest of the room for anything that was vaguely interesting. On the other side of the stage, opposite to the guys, each of them with an instrument in hand. A large, bulky guy with a crew cut was trying to calm down a kid who was much smaller than him. He was jumping around just as Jimmy and Dannii were, except he continually came close to hitting everyone with the headstock of his bass guitar, and the bulky guy was struggling with the kid while trying to juggle his own guitar, too.

Just a few feet away from them, two other guys stood leaning against the wall, simply watching the two guys in amusement. Like the first two guys, they were pretty much opposites of each other when it came to looks. One guy—about 5'9—looked kind of awkward, like he wanted to be somewhere else as he twirled his drumsticks and messed with his short dark brown hair, and the other, was a little harder to describe.

His strawberry blond hair was in a... _different_ cut, it was short on the sides but long on the top, almost in a faux hawk, but... _not._ From about twenty feet away, I could only make out that he had a nose ring, with no clue as to whether or not he had any other piercings. He was almost as tall as the muscular guy who was _still_ trying to calm down the scrawny kid, standing at around 6' or so.

They all looked to be around the same age—seventeen, give or take a few months. And what such young kids were doing backstage at an A7X concert with a bunch of instruments, I had no idea. But they were definitely the interesting thing I had been looking for, at least until the one with the odd blonde hawk noticed me staring and turned his own attention onto me, giving me a cocky wink and a smirk as he did so.

Obviously, that made my stomach roll in disgust, so I looked away before any further embarrassment could take place. Who the hell did he think he was? I knew it was just a _wink,_ but... ugh. Guys could really manage to gross me out sometimes. And what was even more disturbing, is that I got _that _feeling when he caught my gaze. The all too cheesy, butterflies-in-stomach feeling. I was literally too scared to look back at him in fear of what else I might feel.

A roar of the crowd and some cheering from the four guys was heard, and I stole a heated glance back at them only to see that they were leaving—through the side of the stage, which could only mean they were performing.

"They're one of the opening bands," Zacky said from beside me, nearly scaring me out of my own skin. He was grinning when I turned to glare at him, but I was intrigued with what he was saying.

When he didn't elaborate any further, I gave everyone a frustrated look, finding that _everyone_ had taken up residence on the sofa I was sitting on and the one across from me. _How long had I been spacing out?_ "What's their name?" When all I got were a couple of shrugs, even from Dannii, I sighed. "You don't even know the name of your own opening band?"

"They're not really well known outside of Orange County..." Johnny trailed off, shrugging his shoulders once more to show he was almost just as clueless as everyone else. "A spot was open, one of the roadies convinced us to give them a chance."

Matt seemed overly tense when he heard me talking about this, and he leaned forward in his seat slightly as he and the guys shared 'looks'. "I recognize one of 'em. He causes a lot shit at shows. And if the rest are like him, they're nothing but trouble," He scoffed.

Nodding in agreement, Brian stretched and seemed tired of the topic already. "I'll be surprised if they make it through the first leg of the tour."

This was all obviously news to me, and I didn't want to dwell on any of it for too long. If what Matt was saying was true, I didn't want to be around any of them, which included the cute guy with the messed up mo-hawk and nose ring. I'd had more than enough trouble in the past year to make up for a lifetime, and I seriously didn't like the thought of being involved in more.

That didn't stop me from wondering just who from that band Matt was talking about, though. My first thought was that it was the huge, burly dude with the buzz cut, but then immediately crossed that possibility out. As intimidating as he looked, I knew that he was more than likely like Matt, with the tough exterior and whatnot but in reality he was just a big teddy bear.

I honestly could not see the little guy being the trouble maker, either, unless Matt meant it in a 'partying' type of way, which I highly doubted. So that only left the dark haired guy and the one that winked at me. I was somewhat leaning toward the former, just from his kind of shitty attitude about being there. _Or maybe I just didn't want to admit that it could have very well been the cute blond._

An hour later, the guys had been on stage for about ten minutes, having just finished their first song of the set. Dannii and I were off just to the side, watching everything. I'd successfully blocked out the way that guy made me feel just by looking at me for the past half an hour, and I hadn't even noticed them coming off stage. I promised myself I would focus on my family.

The crowd was going absolutely wild after the guys finished the first song, and I was momentarily thankful that they'd given me the ear plugs in case something like that happened. From the center of the stage, Matt smirked at me as he picked up a bottle of water, chugging it before he returned to the mic. I tensed, and Dannii's already huge grin intensified.

_This was not good._ I could not handle anything they could easily throw at me."Since this is the very first show of the tour, and the first time touring the new album, we figured we'd do something special for you guys."

Swallowing loudly, I cowered away from the stage slightly, sensing that something I wouldn't like was about to go down. "Now, I know this hasn't exactly been a secret, but this kid is really important to me, so if Rev and Syn will be so kind to go fish her out from back stage I'll introduce her to everyone!"

With that, I continued to back away from the stage, this time much more panicked because Jimmy was up from his throne and Brian had already set aside his guitar aside. Dannii was laughing uncontrollably, as I had been expecting, so I didn't ask her for help.

Jimmy and his freakishly long legs were already half-way across the stage, and I knew then that any attempts of escape were fruitless. In just a few short seconds, Jimmy had me cornered and Brian threw me over his shoulder, stalking back onto the stage as if he hadn't just kidnapped a kid with the express purpose of embarrassing them in front of thousands of people. "A bit of stage fright, s'all, kiddies!" Jimmy laughed into his microphone when Brian set me on my feet. I stood behind Matt, unwilling to completely show myself at the front of the stage while I held my head in my heads.

I should have known. Why was it always so easy to surprise me? Especially since I _hated_ surprises, I knew I should have been more on the look out for them. The fans cheered even louder, this time with a shocked and excited tone. Matt let out a throaty laugh when he finally caught hold of me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

Finally, I removed my hands from my face to stare out into the sea of kids that were still cheering and looked up at the stage wide-eyed. "This, this is my insanely fuckin' talented daughter, Payton!" He held his free hand up in the air when he said my name, turning to glance at me, still grinning. At hearing that, all the kids were obviously going freaking insane. Like Matt had said, we hadn't exactly kept it a secret, but we knew it was a shock to everyone that M. Shadows himself had announced it himself.

_It's not as bad as you think it is._ There aren't tens of thousands of kids staring at you in shock. _They're not._ Somehow, I managed to keep my breathing even and smiled shyly at the crowd, waving awkwardly. "If you want, P, do you wanna sing on this next track with me? Or do a guitar solo?"

My blood ran cold and my breathing hitched at his suggestion. I had a hard time just _standing_ on stage and doing nothing, so what the hell made him think I could do a solo, or, of all things, _sing?_ "—Uh, maybe next time, _dad,_" I said somewhat sourly, struggling to keep the smile on my face as a few boo's were heard from the crowd.

Nodding, Matt grinned as if he were expecting it, not put out at all, and after a few more enthusiastic words to the crowd about me, he let me exit the stage. I had to keep myself from springing back to the safety of backstage.

With my adrenaline still pumping from merely being on the stage for those few briefest seconds, I had several things on my mind as Dannii screamed about how awesome everything was. I kept telling myself _not _to think about the handsome kid with the nose ring. I was going to bitch the guys out once they got off stage (and showered). And not only was I going to have to say goodbye to half of my family, I was going to have to say goodbye to Dannii. She'd been my best friend for months, and I distinctly remembered what happened the _last_ time I left someone close to me alone.

The hardest part of the night was yet to come.

–

Review? Please?


	10. Chapter Nine

"Dannii, Dannii," I gasped, patting her back as she hugged me, which only resulted in her squeezing me even tighter. "I'm gonna be fine, trust me."

Abruptly, she pulled back and stared at me, her hands placed on her hips. "No drugs P-Body! No drinking either, and you absolutely must call me and tell me about _every_ hot guy you meet!" She said, taking me by my shoulders and shaking me slightly as if to further prove how important it was.

Behind her, Matt paled considerably and glared at the back of Dannii's head, which only made me snort as I tried to hold back a laugh when Val openly laughed at the look on his face.

All of the guys and girls were seated either at the tables in the kitchen, on one of the two oddly-shaped bus sofas, or back in the bunk area doing things I didn't want to so much as think about. It was inching closer to eleven PM, and the band had gotten off stage a little over an hour ago and quickly retreated to the tour bus to say goodbye to their significant other.

Other than that, I ignored him because a strong sense of deja vu came over me as Dannii mentioned anything about drugs and alcohol. Consequently, my throat clogged as I once again recalled what happened the last time I left my best friend alone. It scared me how eerily similar our conversation was to the one I'd had with Tyler just over a year before (except, you know, he hadn't wanted to know about all the cute boys I ended up _not_ meeting).

"I promise I will, Dannii. I'll call you every night okay?" I smiled slightly, unshed tears stinging the corners of my eyes.

I held up my strong facade though, repeatedly reminding myself that Dannii wasn't Tyler, she was so much stronger than he was. She could be pretty fierce when she wanted to be, and she never let anyone push her around like Tyler had. She wasn't going to get herself into anything she didn't _want_ to get into, and if I knew her like I thought I did, she _did not_ want to get into drugs. No, I definitely did not need to worry about Dannii like I had with Tyler.

"Alright, well, talk to you later P," Dannii said, having to wipe her own tears as she laughed. Her mother was waiting in her car for her somewhere outside the bus, apparently impatiently.

"C'ya!"I called out feebly, hearing the bus door shut behind her.

Seeing that I was then free, Val got up from her seat beside Matt and expectantly held her arms out for me, to which I grinned and happily hugged her back just as enthusiastically as she was. It was really only setting in then, how much I would miss everyone, and it scared me how attached I'd become and how much I really did love my family. I kept telling myself though, it was only for two months. It wasn't as if it was a permanent thing I had to worry about.

"I'm gonna miss you P, but remember to have fun and listen to your dad got it?" She added when she let go, staring at me almost accusingly, but I could see the playful glint in her eye. I was willing to be that she only said that because Matt had asked her to.

Nodding, I laughed to cover up just how emotional I was feeling, and swayed slightly. This was just a _little_ overwhelming for me, and I felt like I needed to lie down for at least a little while. Quickly, I did a headcount and determined that everyone was in the front of the bus and I _wouldn't_ walk in on any sights worthy of throwing up over, so I quickly excused myself and headed back toward the bunks.

Just a few minutes earlier, Jimmy and Zacky had taken it upon themselves to show Dannii and I around the bus, and Dannii ended up thoroughly enjoying the tour she'd gotten of the bus, while I had just been noting how small-ish it was. I mean, yes, it was a huge effing tour bus, but then I started thinking about how I was going to have to spend the next two entire months there, and the claustrophobic feeling had quickly begun to set in.

The bunks were a little different than I'd been expecting them to be. Instead of just two-on on top of the other-there were three, which only gave each bunk less head space than there would have been under normal circumstances. I couldn't say I was ecstatic when I learned that, but still, this was what I wanted. I was still stoked to be going on tour with them, even if it meant feeling like I was sleeping in a casket.

My bunk happened to be in the middle, placed above Matt's and under Jimmy's (I could only _imagine_ what he was capable of doing to me at such a height), while Syn's, Johnny's and Zacky's were across from the set of bunk I was in. Once I climbed up into my bunk with just a little difficulty and closed the 'privacy' curtain, I buried my head into the pillow, breathing in the detergent scent of the fresh pillowcase.

_This was so much harder than I thought it was going to be._ It was scaring me more and more by the minute, actually, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to hold my tears back. It was also terrifying how emotional I'd gotten over the past year, too, but there wasn't much that could have been done about that.

_Two months,_ hopefully an exciting two months, and then I'd be back home and everything would be as it was before we left—near perfect.

"Yo, P, are you okay?" I heard Zacky ask directly across from me, and I jumped at the sound of his voice, wondering how long he'd been there, or exactly how long I'd zoned out.

When I didn't answer quickly enough, I heard him get down from his bunk and walk the few feet over to mine, while I hurried wiped my cheeks just in case I'd accidentally let any tears fall. He peeked in through the curtain slightly, and I opened it the rest of the way for him. "Yeah, no," I began, mumbling slightly as I slipped past him out of the bunk. "I'm just going to go for a walk, okay?"

After he heard that, all Zacky had to do was take one look at my face and it was obvious he knew something was up with me. I _really _have to get back to hiding my emotions as well as I used to, because Zacky was quickly following after me, already calling out to Matt. "Yo Shadows! Your kid thinks she's going for a midnight stroll!"

_Thanks, Zacky._

Matt was up out of his seat as soon as he heard anyone say anything about 'his kid'. I quickly shook my head, making a face at Zacky as he sat down next to Gena. "I'll only be gone for a few minutes—just for some fresh air okay?" I asked expectantly, hoping he wouldn't make a huge fuss out of something so small.

For a moment, he studied me, crossing his arms over his chest as he rose a questioning eyebrow. By then, _everyone_ was staring at me. "Alright," He said, looking as if he couldn't believe he was agreeing to it. "But stay _in_ the venue. Have your phone on and be back in fifteen minutes, 'cause we're hauling out in twenty. Got that?"

Everyone looked completely shocked that he'd just agreed to letting me go out alone, while and I was just relieved that for once, he wasn't taking the 'over-protective dad' role so seriously at that moment. "Got it." I said, a small grin forming on my lips at my accomplishment. I wasn't going to fuck this up. I _was_ going to be back in fifteen minutes, just like Matt asked.

Sending one last triumphant glance at Zacky, I was out of the bus in four seconds flat. I sucked in a deep breath of the cool January air, no longer feeling like I was going to suffocate under my family's curious, worried stares, and hugged my jacket a little tighter. It _was_ cold out.

Not knowing where I was going, I began walking back toward the venue, where the doors leading to backstage were. A security guard was _still_ guarding the door, and I had to flash him my pass before he let me go through. There weren't many people around, a few straggling roadies were there, hurriedly packing up the last of the equipment, but that was it. I passed the couch I'd taken up residence on earlier and went straight to the stage, straight to the place where my father and his band had embarrassed the life out of me.

The arena looked completely different with no sea of screaming kids looking up at me, and the silence was peaceful. I walked to the very edge of the stage, sitting down so my legs were dangling over the edge of the stage. From where I was, it seemed like it was a _long_ way down to the bottom, and then the barrier started. It looked like it could have been easily ten feet, and I definitely _did not_ want to fall down that.

Once again, I'd gotten what I'd wanted. I was alone, yet I didn't feel any better. I let out a shaky breath and held my head in my hands as the first of the tears started. If I was going to cry, I had to make it quick because I knew my tear-stained face would be the first thing Matt'd notice when I got back.

For a moment, I didn't even know what I was crying about. Was I crying about leaving half of my family and best friend behind, was I crying about my mother, or was I crying for my _ex_ best friend? Was I crying for _all_ of them? This was the first time in a while that I'd been alone, and it felt nice to finally let loose on all the feelings I'd been holding in for the last while.

When I was on the verge of being hysteric, I stopped abruptly and gently wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my hoodie, knowing that if I was rough with doing so, it would just make my eyes that much redder.

I waited another few minutes, calming down considerably and I felt foolish for letting go as much as I just did. I'd just wasted about ten minutes of my 'free' time, and I knew I had to leave then to make it back to the bus on time, so I stood up and quickly turned around, ready to leave the venue as quickly as I had entered it.

"Whoa!" Someone said, just before I ended up crashing into them. I stumbled back a few steps and found my self teetering on the edge of the stage, unbearably close to losing my balance and falling all the way down to the floor of the arena. My shoulders were grabbed before I could do that though, and they literally picked me up, only putting me down when I was a safe distance away from falling to my death.

Some lights were still on, and I found it hard to pick out their face as one just _luckily_ happened to be glaring straight into my eyes. I was seething with rage at the person who had more than likely been spying on me, and glared up at them even though I had no idea who it was. "Watch what you're doing, ass—" I interrupted myself when they stepped closer, and found myself close to blushing when I saw exactly who it was.

"You might wanna be more careful," Blond-haired, hazel-eyed kid with the nose ring said. "I mightn't be there to catch you next time." He sounded just as cocky as the wink and smirk he'd sent me before had been, but there was no denying how flustered he'd just made me. As unbearably arrogant this guy seemed to be, he _was_ good looking.

Nonetheless, I refused to show the reaction he'd gotten for me, and rolled my eyes. " Well you shouldn't sneak up on people, next time they might have a more _violent _ reaction."

He held his hands up in a defensive gesture, beginning to give me a glare of his own. Just as he opened his mouth to say something, I quickly turned on my heel and began making my way to the side of the stage. I really was late to get back to the bus then, and as tempting as it was, I wasn't going to stay around and converse with overbearing, over-confident, good looking guys. That just _wasn't_ a good combination. I'd promised Val I wouldn't get in any trouble, and this practically _spelled_ it.

I was somewhat surprised once I got back stage, the rest of the guys from _that_ opening band had littered themselves over the two sofas, looking fresh-faced and just out of the shower. The thick smell of _Axe_ body spray lingered in the air. They barely even noticed my presence until the hyper, tiny guy from earlier literally popped up in front of me.

"Hi," He started, bouncing up and down as he shook his wet hair out everywhere., grinning at me. If he weren't so cute (in a weird, little-kid sort of way) I would have been scared. "I'm Noah!"

"Uh... Payton," I replied, unsure of whether or not I should have told him my name. Suddenly, he crushed me into a hug, his gangly arms surprisingly had quite a bit of force to them. I gasped and awkwardly patted his back, trying to get away from him as quickly as possible.

Before I had to do anything drastic to get away from him, a pair of large, muscular arms curled around his waist and he was roughly pulled back from me. It was the huge dude who had been trying to calm him down earlier that night, and I was guessing that he considered keeping this kid calm part of his job.

"I'm Brett," He introduced himself quickly, then tried to get a better hold on the much smaller, struggling kid. "Sorry about Noah. He's just bored 'cause he doesn't have any math problems left to solve."

Noah stopped moving, and pouted up at Brett as if he'd just been slapped across the face. Brett seemed to take this as a good sign, and let Noah go. After sulking around for a minute, Noah ended up collapsing onto a free space on the sofa, glaring at Brett. He abruptly got a whole lot more cheerful.

"That's Oliver," Noah said, pointing across from him where the brown hair guy sat, _still_ twirling a pair of drumsticks. "He's quiet, the scary kind of quiet if you ask me, but he's really nice once you get to know him. I promise!" Noah looked just as cheerful as he had been prior to the indecent with Brett, and Oliver sent me a small, bored smile.

Why were they introducing everyone to me? I was _trying_ to leave, couldn't they see that? I shouldn't have been there. If Matt found out that I'd even spent three seconds with them, he'd more than likely have a conniption. "I—I have to—"

"Sit!" Noah interrupted me harshly, yet I could see a playful glint in his eye. "C'mon! Next to me!"

A few minutes couldn't hurt, could it? After all, when had I ever followed Matt's rules and really listened to him? He'd want me to have more friends, wouldn't he? "Again," Brett said when I hesitantly agreed to sit down next to Noah. "Ignore Noah, Oliver's just a bit of a wallflower."

"And that's Evan!" Noah burst out suddenly, pointing at the cute guy that had almost knocked me off the stage, who was then staring at me with his arms crossed. For the most part, I ignored his presence. The rest of these guys seemed cool, and they were definitely people I could see myself hanging out with for the rest of the tour.

"Why are you guys still here?" I asked, looking around slightly. This time, _no_ roadies were in sight.

Evan obviously thought I was talking to him. "Since we're driving a beater of a van for the tour, we're taking advantage of every venue's showers," He sent me another wink and a grin as he said this, making me grimace, and even more so when he sat down next to me. "So, you got a boyfriend or what?"

I was choking on my own breath at this. Who in their right mind would ask something like that to a person they'd only just met, and be so unbearably blunt about it? Before I could embarrass myself even further by yammering out my answer, Brett smacked him upside the head and glared down at him.

Just as that went down, my phone began vibrating in my pocket and I hurriedly reached for it, seeing a worried text from Matt. I was ten minutes late by then. Before I could reply, Noah had my phone snatched from me and was hurriedly typing something into it. I just hoped he wasn't saying something to Matt, and quickly stood up from my seat. Saying I was eager to get out of there was putting it lightly.

"Listen, I have to go," I started my eyes flickering to everyone _but _Evan. "I'll uh—I'll see you guys later..." I trailed off lamely, giving Noah a pointed look.

He got off the couch and thankfully, gave me my phone back without and further prodding. "I gave you my number bitch! Text me!" He said in a gangster voice, but it sounded more like it was crossed with a southern chick's accent.

"Okay," I said, laughing slightly. This kid reminded me a little of Jimmy, always happy-go-lucky and looking to make everyone's day a little better and funnier. I sent a wave in their general direction before all but sprinting out the back door and across the deserted parking lot, and when I got back I was surprised to see that all the guys but Matt had retired to the bunks.

_The girls had left, _and I hadn't gotten a real chance to say goodbye to them. I felt absolutely horrible about that. "Where were you?" Matt asked, looking like he hadn't moved an inch since I left with his arms crossed and all.

"I was just looking around the stage and stuff," I said, trying to sound as casual as possible, but my phone in my pocket, with Noah's number in it, seemed to be weighing me down. "Sorry I'm so late, I just got caught up. It's amazing."

I _had_ to lie, he would surely have went bat-shit if he knew I'd been hanging out with the group of boys he's been talking so lowly of. Thankfully, he seemed to buy this and pointed back toward the bunks were. "You look exhausted. Get some sleep."

As I joined the rest of the guys in the bunk area and climbed as quietly as possible into mine, I realized that I felt worse than I had before I left. Wasn't the point of going out in the first place supposed to make me feel a little better, to calm myself down a bit? But no, I'd lied to Matt _again, _I'd kept something from him after all the times I promised I wouldn't ever again.

This tour was off to an _amazing_ start.


	11. Chapter Ten

If there was one thing you could say to describe Jimmy and Johnny _together,_ it was that their endless banter could oftentimes be hilarious, but after a while, it could get a little... _annoying._

"Dude, fuck you Short-Shit! I won—"

"No, _I _won! You cheated!"

"I won and that's all there is to it, so shut the fuck up already. _God!"_

Jimmy's rebuttal would have been rather amusing, had they not been basically repeating that particular conversation for the past half an hour.

The three of us had been lounging around the 'living' part of the bus for the past few hours, waiting and playing video games until we rolled up to our next destination. We'd only left for tour the night before, and while I was still having trouble realizing the fact that I was actually living on the bus, the guys seemed to have settled right in.

I'd mainly been watching them play an extremely heated private match of Call of Duty, but it had ended abruptly when accusations of cheating had arose.

"No, that's not all—" Just when I was considering pulling my hair out in exasperation, Zacky sat down beside me, looked amused and irritated at the same time. "Listen, guys, you both won okay? It was a tie."

Even though Zacky's explanation made no sense whatsoever, Jimmy and Johnny grinned at dropping their controllers to high-five each other. Both Zacky and I chuckled quietly, sharing glances as the two got absorbed into the video game one more time. We didn't want to distract them again, as more bickering would surely ensue.

Moments later, Brian came out from the bunk area, a smile on his face as he observed the four of us scattered across the small sofa and on the floor. He caught my eye for a split second, then his eyes flickered back to the bunk area before he planted himself next to Zacky, forcing us to move over to make room for him.

For some reason, the look he gave me, and the way he looked at the bunks, made my palms sweat. Matt was back there, and to the best of my knowledge they'd both went back there to talk to their significant others. My hand went to my pocket, my phone was still there. With Noah's number still in it. Why was that thing plaguing me? Every time someone gave me an odd look or a sideways glance, my mind immediately went to the thought of obtaining his number.

_Maybe because Matt had all but forbade me to hang out with that group of boys._ What would he do if he found out I'd _gotten one of their numbers?_ I honestly didn't even want to think about it. No, I didn't have a single thought of Noah in _that_ way, but I knew that Matt wouldn't see it like that.

I groaned inwardly, rubbing my tired eyes. It wasn't exactly easy to see in a bunk that was travelling a hundred miles per hour, and my thoughts were getting a little too complicated. It seemed like I was always jumping through hoops and tangling a huge web of lies for no apparent reason. Why couldn't I ever just be completely honest with Matt?

_Because he wouldn't understand._

No, there wasn't anything to worry about. Matt and the guys were still clueless about my run in the that group of boys from the night before, I was in the clear. _Nothing to worry about._

"Yo, Patey! C'mere for a sec!" Matt's deep voice rumbling through the bus nearly made me jump. My heart began to race, maybe I wasn't in the clear after all. Maybe he knew about everything all along and he was just waiting for me to crack.

With no other choice, I numbly got up from the sofa and made my way to the bunks, as slowly as possible without one of the guys, or even worse, _Matt,_ finding it suspicious. Just as fast as my heart, my mind began running through all of the possibilities of what he could have wanted to talk about. What were we talking about last time?

That would give me some idea about what he wanted to talk about _this_ time, but that thought stopped short when I realized I couldn't even remember the last time we talked...

He was laying on his bunk with the curtain open when I finally dragged myself in there, and I laid down on mine, on my side, so I was facing him across the makeshift hallway. "What's up, Matt?" I asked, keeping up my fabricated smile. I'd gotten better at it over the past few months.

"How have you been doing lately?" He asked after closely observing me for a few moments. He too was wearing a relaxed smile, and for a split second, I wondered if _his_ was fake, too.

By then, I knew if I just gave him a simple shrug like I so desperately wanted to, he'd grow worried and he'd ask more questions that he already had for me. I launched into something that I wasn't lying about, yet it was exactly one of the things that had been haunting me lately. "Oh—well, you know, I just miss Dannii and the girls more than I thought I would and—uh, yeah."

"I know it's hard, but you can text and call the girls and Dannii anytime you want, you know. And it won't be so bad after a while, kiddo. You just gotta get used to it is all." I was touched by how much he was trying to get me to open up a little more. That he wasn't directly _asking_ me to talk to him; he had a new tactic. He was being subtle about it. "Anything else on your mind?"

_Yes._ But nothing I wanted to talk to him about. "No, not really," I said, the smile never leaving my lips. "I'm glad I got that out, though."

Unexpectedly, Matt sat up and reached across, easily bringing me into a hug. "I really am proud of you though, kid. I still can't believe you worked so hard just to tour with us." He said after I relaxed into his hug, laughing slightly.

I felt a pang of guilt at that, but_ at least he could be proud of something,_ right? Maybe it was actually a good thing he didn't know about all the things I'd been thinking about over the past few months. "It's means a lot more to me than just driving around with you guys," I said, giving him a genuine smile, liking how easy it was to talk about something like that.

After he pulled away, he abruptly broke out into a knowing grin. "Speaking of, you get today's school work done?"

Letting out a groan, I flopped face-first onto my bunk. In all the excitement the very first day of the tour had brought, I'd completely forgotten about something as mundane as school work. I knew that if I didn't start it soon, I'd fall behind and I was pretty sure Matt would be so proud of my grades anymore. And it wouldn't be good for anyone's eardrums, either, because Matt would be the first to find out about it.

"Well... no, but I promise I'll get started on it soon!" I said, my eyes flitting to the laptop perched at the edge of my bunk; where it had been since I'd woke up. I actually meant that, I _would_ get started on it as soon as I could. It was a good distraction and it'd keep the guys off my back for a few hours.

The smile never left his face, and his eyes then held a spark of excitement. "Hey—guess what? We've got the night off before our show in Vegas tomorrow, so we're staying in a little place called _Caesars Palace._"

"And let me guess, you're stoked to blow your life-savings gambling in the casino?" I asked, laughing.

"You know it," He laughed along with me, and I wasn't surprised to find out that was what he really was all fired up about. "But I don't want you getting into too much trouble, got it? Come to think of it, while I'm gone I don't even want you leaving the hotel room alone. It's a huge place, Patey. You could get into a _lot_ of trouble there."

I sighed into my pillow. "That's not very much fun, is it?"

"I'm not budging on this P. I can do some stuff with you before we go down, but then you gotta stay in our room. But hey, at least you won't have any distractions from your homework then!" When that obviously didn't brighten my mood, he continued. "And uh... you can order all the room service you want?"

With a new idea of fun I could have on my own in mind, I sprung up in the bunk, almost hitting my head in the process, but grinned at Matt nonetheless. "Okay." I stated simply, the gears still turning over in my head.

Out in the living area, Jimmy could be heard hollering and the rest of the guys had joined in soon after. Matt and I shared a look before bolting out to see what everyone was freaking out over. They were all crowded in the very front of the bus where the driver was, and I noticed they even he couldn't keep the smile off his face. Why were the guys so excited?

We were approaching the infamous Las Vegas strip.

Seeing the 'Welcome to Las Vegas' sign was somewhat groundbreaking for me, and I couldn't help but think that just a year ago, I never would have even _thought_ about visiting this place. But still, I refused to dwell on the dark parts of my past and grinned.

The guys were going to have a wild, fun night. And if they were going to leave me to my own devices in a place like _Caesars Palace_, I was determined to have my own fun, too. Noah's seemed number to weigh down in my pocket more than ever, but for a different reason this time around.

I refused to feel guilty about what I had planned out. Because really, it wasn't that bad and for once, I was actually hoping that I was going to have some fun. Maybe I'd even make some new friends in the process.


	12. Chapter Eleven

"Make sure the door is always locked, and don't open it for anyone except me and the guys and maybe room service as long as they don't look too sketchy, and—"

"Matt, dad, I got this. Okay? I'll be fine. Just calm down." I said slowly, actually scared with how serious he was being about this.

For the past half an hour, all he'd been doing was going over the ground rules of me being by myself in the hotel suite. In my mind though, it was more like a house with a complete kitchen, living room and _several _bedrooms. I hadn't had much time to look at it though, because as soon as we got in Matt began lecturing me _in advance_, 'just in case' I decided to sneak out so I knew what I'd be in for when I got back.

"And _don't_ leave Payton, you have _no _idea how much trouble you can get yourself into in a place like this, especially by yourself—"

"I'll. Be. Fine." I said, stressing each word in hopes that he would actually believe it. I would be more than fine, actually. I was going to have _fun_ for once. At least that was what I was hoping for.

Finally, he seemed to buy into and sighed, bringing me into a short hug before staring at me for another moment. "You've been doing so well over the past few months," He mumbled, checking his pockets for his cell phone and wallet. "I just wish you'd talk to me a little more."

In fear of where this conversation was going to go, I began pushing him, ushering him toward the door and ignoring whatever he said after that. "Just go have fun okay? The guys are gonna scatter soon if you don't get down there."

They'd left about a half an hour ago, and I was willing to bet they had already lost quite a bit of money in the short time they were down there. Matt had stayed up to be paranoid over me for just a little longer. "One more thing,"

"No, no more things Matt. Just get out already!" I huffed, but smiled so he knew I wasn't _that_ frustrated with him. It wasn't like I was a kid and needed to be constantly looked after. Hell, just a year earlier I'd spent an entire two weeks without parental supervision, so I was sure I could handle a few _hours._

It was only when he was halfway through the door that he stopped and look back at me. I sighed in mock frustration. "Are you sure you want me to go?"

Simultaneously, I let out a groan. "No, dad. I want you to stay here so you can coddle me for the rest of my life. Jesus. Just get going!"

"I don't like that attitude, Patey," He said, still standing in the doorway with his jaw set as he stared down at me. "I just want the best for you."

That was _not_ part of the plan. If he got parental on me then he'd stay back for another while, and I was rushing him to get him _out,_ not for him to _stay._ I held up my hands defensively and smiled. "Calm down, Matt. I just want you to have some fun for once."

For another moment or so, he regarded me as if he knew that something was up. "Okay," He sighed, finally. "I won't be _too_ late. And get some homework done alright?"

I nodded and waved, and as soon as the door shut with him on the other side of it, my shoulders drooped in relief. Normally, I would have been mortified to spend time alone, time where all I had to do was _think,_ but I had other plans tonight and they didn't have anything to do with my growing pile of schoolwork. _To keep me busy._

When I could no longer hear his heavy footsteps retreating down the hallway, I took off to the room I'd taken up residence in, whipping my phone out as I dived onto the bed. It was odd; I'd been waiting all night for this but when I successfully located Noah's number in my contacts, it was as if I'd been frozen.

_No._ I couldn't back out then. Whether I liked it or not, I was going to need friends on this tour and Noah seemed like a good applicant. And what a better time to test this new found friendship in a place like _Las Vegas?_ This was the perfect opportunity, as I knew that while the guys were my friends, they more than likely all thought themselves as some sort of parental figure to me, and there was _always_ going to be some things I just couldn't tell them.

After another few moments of hesitation, I sent him a text.

**Hey.**

During the few minutes it took for him to respond, I began thinking about how _stupid_ that had been for me to send such a stupid text, and I was even beginning to get seconds thoughts on whether he even _wanted_ to be my friend or not. Noah was just so hyper, so out of his mind, he probably didn't even remember giving me his number. Or he gave it to me just to be friendly.

**Bitch, where are u? We're in Vegas. Let's fuck some shit up!**

I laughed out loud at his response. That had been so much easier than I'd been anticipating. Noah was almost as crazy as Jimmy, and that proved it. Quickly, I texted back and told him the hotel and room number I was staying at. Since they were on the same tour and more than likely following our bus, I kind of figured that he'd be in the same area.

**K. Be there a-fucking-sap!**

Luckily I did not have to spend too much time alone, as no more than ten minutes later, a loud banging sounded on the door. I was almost too scared to answer it. It was so similar to Jimmy's, what if he'd come up to get something he'd forgotten and then he caught Noah, the kid from that band he and the guys had been talking so lowly of knocking on _our_ door?

"Payton!" A high-pitched voice sang through the door, immediately shrinking my worries. "Wretched Remorse is here to make your night a little brighter!"

My breath caught. The _entire_ band was there? Including _Evan,_ the super good-looking dude who always managed to make me nervous as hell? I should have known they would be coming What had I been expecting, that they would just stay back in their _van_ as Noah went on an escapade with a rock star's daughter? I felt like slapping myself for being so slow.

Upon opening the door, Noah took me into his arms and swung me around. "Girlfriend, I'm so happy you texted me!" He squealed, fluttered his eyelashes when he put me down.

Aside us, the rest of the guys filed in, the last being Evan. And he looked like he didn't want to be there even more than Oliver. They all sat in the living room on the sofas, and I found that their intimidating presence almost overwhelmed me. I _really_ should have thought all of this through a little more.

I forced myself to think that they were like the guys, that as intimidating as they all looked, they would go all they way around the world and back for you. I smiled timidly at them, but with Noah at my side; sweet, happy, uncaring Noah, it was a little easier to be around everyone. "So, what're we gonna do?"

Brett suddenly stood, grinning. "I wanted to do this since I met you," He said, just before picking me up by my shoulders, shaking me a little as if to see if I had any change in my pocket. With a gasp, I stared up at him wide-eyed. "I never noticed how tiny you were," He laughed, ignoring my stricken expression as he unceremoniously dropped me onto the sofa. _Next to Evan._

"Nice digs," Evan commented, almost begrudgingly as he messed with his blonde, bed head hair.

Just as suddenly as Brett had picked me up, Noah plopped down next to me, interrupting me from my awkward attempt of saying 'thanks' to Evan. "I'm bored! We're in Vegas, and we're just gonna stay in a hotel room?" He asked incredulously, looking around for an agreeable expression on one of the guys.

I was surprised by how at ease these guys seemed to be (well, expect for Evan), as if they'd known me for years, and I found myself wishing I could do the same. I merely shrugged in Noah's direction, being perfectly okay with staying in the hotel room. After all, Matt had specifically told me not to leave. "We're underage," I shrugged again. "There's not much else we can do, I guess."

Abruptly, Evan looked a whole lot happier, a sinister smirk gracing his features as his hazel eyes sparkled with mischief. "You know Noah, I read somewhere online that if you get married, all you gotta do is flash your marriage license and you can gamble."

Within seconds Noah was heading for the door, dragging _me_ along with him. "Wait," I began hurriedly, clutching the frame of the door Noah had just opened. "I'm not—I'm not supposed to leave the suite, guys. I don't think this is—"

"What, I never would have guessed you were the type of chick that always does what her father says," Evan remarked, standing with the rest of the guys behind us.

"I'm not." I stated, glaring back at him with every ounce of courage I could muster. What was his problem and _why_ was he doing this to me? _None_ of this seemed like a good idea anymore.

Although it was obvious then that there was no way I could possibly get out of this without looking like a pansy or worse, a _daddy's girl._ Trust me, that title did not roll of my tongue well at all.

_Several_ hours later, we were down in the casino. Noah was off asking random old ladies at the slot machines to marry him, and the rest of the guys were off simply observing all the gambling that was going down. I was constantly on the look-out for Matt, and I subsequently noticed all of the security who just happened to be closely monitoring the little group I happened to be with.

By then I'd grown tired of roaming the huge gaming grounds and had settled for just leaning against the wall and watching things from a distance. "Will you marry me?" Noah asked a middle aged lady sincerely, his chocolate brown orbs seemingly glistening with unshed tears of happiness. The lady looked utterly appalled by his proposal and shot up from her seat. Her short fire-engine red bob flicking every which way.

This was going down only about a few meters away from me, so I had a perfect view of everything that was happening. As soon as she got her footing, she _bitch slapped_ Noah across the face and power walked away. I would have laughed, had the security not been heading straight for him.

"Where are your parents?" The balding, middle-aged man demanded when he was a few feet away from Noah. All Noah had to do was take one look at him before he bolted, heading straight toward me.

"_Payton, run!"_ He screamed at the top of his lungs, lunging for my hand before hauling me off through the casino.

"What the fuck, Noah?" I asked, struggling to keep up with him. As short as he was, he was a fast runner. "Why'd you have to drag me into this?"

"Because. I need a wingma—er, wingwoman. And you're perfect girlfriend!" He sang, seemingly unfazed by the two security guards who were hot on our trail. I couldn't even force myself to think about what would happen if they caught us.

Normally I would have retaliated, saying that this was hardly something he should have help with, but what he called me was something Tyler had countless times, and vice-versa. It felt nice to be thought of as that again, so I went along with it for as long as I could.

Not even two minutes later though, Noah split, separating from me with only telling me to hide behind a just recently vacated poker table. By the looks of it, it was the only unused one in the entire casino. To say it was _busy_ would be an understatement, and successfully weaving through the crowd was not an easy task.

I squished myself behind the table as much as I could, my breathing erratic. The security guards were _still_ looking for us, and it didn't look like I would be able to leave any time soon. I was thankful Noah had chosen a decent hiding place for me. Just when I thought the coast was clear and I was going to make a run for it, I was harshly pulled back down, a hand clamped over a mouth and another wound tightly around my waist.

"Your dad is directly behind us," Evan said slowly, his voice barely above a whisper as he carefully let go of me. "Don't move."

Once again, my breath caught and a lump formed in my throat as I tensed even more beside him because his hand still tightly held onto mine. I know I should have been thinking about how much trouble I would have been in if Matt caught me, but all I could seem to focus on was the way Evan's hand felt clasped onto mine and how his lips felt brushing against my ear as he spoke.

A good thirty seconds later, Matt finally walked passed the table we were hiding behind, walking leisurely past us with Jimmy at his side. "Just one more round of craps, Matt! Please!" Jimmy begged, getting down onto his knees as he stared up at Matt pleadingly. Several passerby's glared at them for the traffic jam they were causing.

Matt laughed, a little tipsy as he stared down at his best friend. I was just glad they couldn't see us from where we were hiding. "I just gotta check on Payton Jim, then I'll be back down. I promise!"

Involuntarily, I let out a loud gasp. How in sweet fuck was I supposed to avoid security and the guys, and get all the way up to the suite before Matt did? I was _screwed._

"Holy—holy _shit,_" I said once they were out of sight, nearly hyperventilating as I stared up at Evan. "This is your fault! You talked me into this!"

Evan frowned, staring down at me as if he didn't hate my guts for no apparent reason for once. "Well, if I got you into this, I'm gonna get you out of it 'kay?" He hastily stood after he uttered that, his hand still around mine as he led me through the thickening crowd.

We found an elevator fairly quickly, but we knew Matt was either a few seconds ahead of us or a few seconds behind us. Neither of them were good, so we were tense on the long elevator ride up to my floor. It seemed stupid, just standing around _waiting_ for something to happen. "Why are you doing this?" I asked suddenly, my voice cutting through the silence.

It was odd, for the majority of the night he had acted as if being around me was the last thing he wanted to do, yet there he was, helping me get out of trouble from my over-protective father. The kid was like a yo-yo. One minute he wanted to know if I was single, the next he seemed to hate me with every fibre in his being, and the next he was doing _this._

Unsurprisingly, he didn't answer the entire way up, only giving me a shrug and a sigh when the elevator dinged before we once again took off.

He grabbed my hand again when I reached for the door, having already inserted my card I was anxious to just get into the room and act as if nothing had happened. Matt was no where to be seen in the hallway, but I still did not like taking chances. "Hang out with me, at the next show?" He asked, pulling me a little closer.

His distance away from me, nearly nonexistent, was unbearable. For the life of me I could not form a coherent answer; his closeness was affecting me _way_ too much. All I could do was mutter an "I don't know".

Almost instantly, his eyes seemed to harden over to the look he had been wearing for most of the night as he let go of my hand. "Yeah, well in that case _I don't know_ why I helped you, either."

Just like that, he walked away and left me reeling. The only thing I could seem to wonder was _what the hell just happened?_


	13. Chapter Twelve

I couldn't get over my luck. Matt wasn't in the suite, and even long after I'd watched Evan's retreating figure disappear through the elevator doors, there was still no sign of him. Still, I knew I didn't have much time to make it look like I really _was _in the room all night, so I hurried, yanking open the door. I threw my coat to where it had been lying on the floor before and dove onto the sofa, managing to find the remote and turn the TV on.

Not even ten seconds later, I heard Matt fumbling with the door and I held my breath, then closed my eyes. It'd be much easier to lie to him if I was _asleep._

After he finally got through the door, he stumbled on my coat I'd thrown down and he began cussing. If I weren't so confused with what had just happened out in the hallway, I would have wanted to cuss. Even so, I knew that if I didn't pretend to wake up then, he would know I was faking because I was light sleeper.

Finally he came into my view, and when he saw that I was 'half asleep', he smiled dopily. He held his arms out for a moment as if he wanted to hug me, then thought better of it and walked over—somewhat clumsily—to sit next to me.

"How was your night?" He asked quietly, seeming to be sensitive to my 'grogginess' even in his half-drunken state. I sat up next to him, feeling awkward for lying down.

"I didn't get much homework done," The lies just came spewing out of my mouth as if I did this every day, and then I corrected myself with an inward groan. I _did_ do this every day. "I uh—I fell asleep." I said lamely, but the yawn I let out wasn't fake. I really was tired.

He smiled as if he thought everything was okay. "That's fine, we are in Vegas. Even if there's not much fun for you to do, homework can wait." We both smiled at each other; him because; well... I didn't exactly know why, and I because I knew he was buzzed out of his mind. There was no way he would let me off the hook that easily under normal circumstances.

We both stood, me almost as clumsy as he was when I had a bit of a head rush. "Are you gonna go back down with Jimmy?" Matt raised a questioning eyebrow when he heard me say this, and it was only then that I caught myself. _Shit._

As under the influence as he may have been, even a drunken Johnny would have caught that. Especially Matt, as I didn't talk to him enough as it was so he read into my every single word. "What—how did you—"

Hurriedly, I interrupted him and began stumbling over my words once again. "I just—you know—I uh, I figured you were going back down since it's still early."

Again he gave me another odd look but laughed, he _seemed_ to take my reply as a decent enough answer. "Patey, it's two AM. How long have you been asleep?" I merely shrugged and began stuttering again in response, feeling more and more tired by the second. It had been a _long_ night. He abruptly brought my into a hug, and I slowly relaxed into it. He sure was a laid back, giddy drunk...

"Relax, P, you gotta be exhausted. You should get some more sleep," He mumbled, keeping an arm around my shoulders as he lead me to the bedroom, as if he could hold _himself_ up, let alone me. His arm was heavy over my shoulders, it practically weighed me down and only made me feel even more tired.

Once I hauled myself into the comfy bed, a nice change from the bunks, he smiled down at me again, but this time it was a little tense and I knew he was being completely serious. "Listen, Payton, you can tell me anything. And you know I love you right?"

That caught me a little off guard, but I was getting progressively more and more tired to think too much. "I love you too, dad," I said through a yawn, my eyelids drooping.

He laughed yet again, looking a little more at ease. "Get some sleep kid, you look like the living dead." He said, planting a kiss on my forehead and giving my shoulder a squeeze before standing up.

After he said that, I fell asleep within minutes. Not only was I ready to drop, but I just wanted to forget about that night's events. I didn't want them to get to stuck in my head and I didn't want to think about them at all for the time being, and sleep was an excellent way of putting that off.

The next day we went straight back to the bus, tearing through the desert until we stopped at a small, run down diner for some late breakfast. I didn't want to even move from my bunk, but I knew that would be suspicious so I made myself get it together long enough to sit down and make small talk with the guys.

Last night's events were hitting me with their intended full force. I'd lied to Matt countless times, but what was new about that? And Noah, well Noah was just hilarious. Sure, he'd almost gotten me into a huge pile of shit, but the majority of last night _had_ been fun, regardless of how it had ended. Or _who_ it had ended with.

Evan scared me. He could be such a douchebag, then at certain points he wasn't so bad, and then toward the end it was as if he had reverted back to his asshole exterior. But those times in between, and how she felt when he made contact with her, and it was just the slightest touch.. I hadn't been so confused in a long, long time.

Ten minutes into the meal, Matt noticed I hadn't so much as touched my waffles yet and frowned in worry. "What's up, Patey?" He asked staring at me from across the table. I shifted nervously between Zacky and Johnny and only sighed in response. "You haven't even touched your food yet." He pointed out, gesturing around the table.

All the guys had already polished off their first plate and were going for seconds. With their obvious hangovers, I honestly didn't know how they were going to be able to keep their breakfast down.

"I'm okay," I said, partly ignoring his question as I halfheartedly answered him. I didn't see a point in lying or even _trying_ then. I was just so confused and scared.

Giving me another look, he sighed and nodded. I could see that he was reluctant to let this go, and only did because he knew that if he pushed me, it'd more than likely cause a scene. "Okay, well... I'm gonna go get some more soda. Anybody else need anything?" He asked, somewhat tiredly as he glanced around again at the table. Everyone shrugged, just as tired as he was.

While Matt was off getting his soda, I noticed that Johnny and Zacky leaned forward in their seats slightly so they could get a better look at me. "So, what were you up to last night Patey?" Zacky asked, smirking.

Visibly, I tensed and they both took note of that. "Oh, nothing much... I fell asleep after Matt left," I said slowly, trying to remember exactly what I had told Matt last night. My lies were catching up with me. Thankfully Matt was still off at the counter waiting for his drink, and Jimmy and Brian were as oblivious as ever.

They nodded in unison, even going as far as crossing their arms over their chests. Zacky looked amused, while Johnny looked downright worried. They were acting just a little more than _suspicious._

I had other, bigger things to worry about than how odd Zacky and Johnny were acting. Like how the hell I was going to keep up with the constant web of lies I was spinning, and at that moment, something just a little more important...

There was a show tonight, and I was sure there wouldn't be any way I was going to get out of it. Even if I did have a pile of homework, Matt wouldn't let me stay back at the bus alone. Hell, he'd rather have the roadies watch me than that. Jimmy would more than likely drag me there kicking and screaming, too.

Unless Brian was right and Wretched Remorse hadn't even lasted two shows, Evan was going to be there. I couldn't help but wonder how he was going to act, _what was I going to do?_

My stomach bubbled with nervousness and I swallowed, even the _thought_ of going to the show and facing Evan after what had happened the night before left a bad taste in my mouth, I couldn't imagine what it was going to be like when I got there.


	14. Chapter Thirteen

All night I'd been psyching myself up, trying to ready myself for whatever shit was going to go on while the guys were performing tonight. Everyone, Jimmy in particular, had made it very clear that I wouldn't be staying back at the bus alone. He'd even taken it upon himself to _carry _me there, 'just in case' I decided to try anything to get back to the bus. And he had even gone as far as telling me that he'd be 'watching me' the entire time.

For the last hour or so, I'd been lying on the couch in the main room of backstage, face down into the ratty cushion. I did not want to be there at that moment, _at all._

I'd heard the members of Wretched Remorse's voices a few times, but to my luck they hadn't noticed me lying there yet. I was not ready to face any of this, and it was as if I couldn't psych myself up for this. I would just have to deal with whatever happens accordingly.

Then, I heard Noah's unmistakable high-pitched voice, squealing about how he hadn't seen me all night. I knew then that there was no way I could possibly get out of facing them, and more importantly, Evan. It was _going _to happen.

Hoping that they would just leave me alone, I pretended to be asleep as I had last night. Either Noah didn't notice or he just didn't care, because only several seconds later, I felt an enormous weight crash almost directly on top of my body. I let out a groan as I opened my eyes, staring up at Noah warily. Once he saw them open, he began kissing my cheeks hurriedly. "Oh, Patey! Didn't we have _so much _fun last night? I missed you so much! You should have texted me, bitch!"

As usual he was talking a mile a minute, and I could only understand the gist of what he was saying. "I uh—I missed you too, Noah. Could you... could you get off of me, please?" I said, my words clipped as I was finding it hard to breathe. Not only that, but he was sweaty and slightly smelly. They'd only just gotten off stage, and it was obvious he hadn't showered yet.

Instantly, Noah was lifted off of me and my lungs immediately expanded. I relished my new ability to breathe while I watched Brett literally toss Noah to the side, where he just laid on the cold cement floor with a pout. "Again, sorry about Noah. He's still got an adrenaline rush from onstage. They loved us tonight," He said this with a large grin, and I knew he was proud of how well the crowd had responded tonight.

"That's awesome," I said, smiling too. I was happy that they were doing well on the tour, as I was _almost _completely happy they were on it. If it weren't for a certain confusing person, I would have done next to anything to keep them on it. "I should watch you guys sometime."

"You should bitch! I still can't believe you haven't yet!" Noah yelled abruptly, his voice echoing off the walls alarmingly. I was thankful the guys had taken the stage a few moments ago or not only would they have seen me with them, but they would have _heard, _too.

Oliver quietly sat next to me, giving me a slight smile. He really _didn't _talk much, but it wasn't awkward or tense with him. From what I could gather, he was just shy, and as Brett had previously mentioned, a wallflower. I looked at Noah, who had finally managed to haul himself up off the floor, for a long moment. "This _is _only your second show. And last time I didn't know who you guys even were." I tried to reason, but he just shook his head as he once again plunked himself down on the floor.

"No excuses!" He practically yelled, looking the other way. Although I'd only known him for a few days, I knew he was just messing around so I left him there, and took a quick, heated glance further down the sofa.

Evan was there, but he didn't look like he was completely unhappy, he looked almost _surprised _to see me there, talking with them. What did he think, that after last night I was just going to ignore them? Sure, I had been momentarily considering it, but still... it was _his _fault in the first place.

I also found myself happy to see him too... but I wasn't going to dwell on that for too long. I was just considering myself fortunate that he wasn't bitching me out.

Somehow, Brett managed squeeze his giant self in between Oliver and I, and Noah still looked more than happy where he was on the floor. Even with two people in between us, I still felt uncomfortable because I knew that Evan was there, just a few feet away from me. For a moment, I felt like I _had _to tell him about all of my confusing feelings for him.

"Yo! Get your shit ready and out the fucking door!" And unfamiliar voice yelled, making me jump.

All four members of Wretched Remorse sighed, and Brett followed it up with a long groan. "Well, come on. You heard the assholes. Let's get our equipment out to the van." His words seemed forced, as if had trouble even talking about it.

Everyone but Evan stood, and Brett raised a questioning eyebrow toward him. "You just gonna sit there you lazy shit?" He asked after another moment of silence passed. All that could be heard was the impact of Jimmy's bass drums and parts of Syn's and Zacky's guitars.

"What?" Evan asked accusingly, pointing at himself. "At the last show I put it _all _away myself and I had no help, so _I _think I deserve a break."

Brett only snorted in response and walked away with Noah and Oliver close behind him, leaving Evan and I _alone. _The silence wasn't as comfortable as it was between Oliver and I, and I found myself inching closer and closer the other end of the couch, and subsequently further away from Evan.

Finally, after another few minutes of tense silence, he ran a hand down his face and sighed. "So are—are," He started then paused, trying to find a topic for conversation. "Are you enjoying the tour so far?"

Like his last question, this caught me off guard. But I was determined to answer this at least a little coherently, so I sat up straight and finally met his gaze. It did not hold the same accusing, harsh glint it had the night before, he honestly still looked surprised to see me, and interested in my answer. I_had_ to make this good; I wasn't going to make a complete ditz out of myself _again._

"Yeah," I replied. "But uh—I really didn't come for the shows, though. I just—"

I cut myself off before I could say anymore than I already had. I was sharing way too much information, I was about to tell _Evan _something that I'd refused to even tell Matt.

Evan, the guy whose mood swings were like a slap in the face, the guy who had all but ignored me ninety percent of the time, and when he acknowledged me, he was usually cocky to the point where I felt nauseous. There was, in reality, absolutely _no _reason to tell him what I was about to. But still, his stare wasn't judgemental and for once he seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. At that moment, I felt like I could tell him anything.

"I just, I just like being close to my family. They help me take my mind off of things." I finally admitted, slightly breathless. I felt better just sharing _that, _and even better when his stare did not falter. And admittedly, I was almost tempted to tell him more.

"That's—"

"Eeeugh!" Someone grunted loudly across from behind the sofa, cutting Evan off from whatever he was about to say, and we both looked in the direction of where the sound came from.

Clinging almost pathetically to a halfstack, Noah looked like he was going to have a heart attack trying to haul it out. From the looks of it, he'd only made it a few feet. Once he saw us staring, he pouted and gave Evan his best puppy dog eyes. "Help me please, Ev?" He asked, sounding like he was about to bawl his eyes out.

Letting out a groan, Evan dragged himself up off the sofa and made his way over to Noah, looking down at the poor kid then to the halfstack. "Noah, you scrawny little shit. You managed to haul this last night!" He said as he picked up one end while Noah took the other. I took note that Noah was barely even holding onto it, and from the looks of the tendons in Evan's arms, he was taking the brute of the weight.

I could not get over how easily Evan seemed to lift that, but I wouldn't let myself dwell on something so superficial for any longer than I already had and quickly looked away, twining my hands together in my lap.

Moments later, they disappeared through the backstage door and came back shortly after. Hesitantly, Evan made his way over to me. "Well, I'd better go help or else the A7X roadies are gonna get pissy 'cause 'our shit's gonna get in the way'," He said, rolling his eyes and using quotation marks, but a soft, lop-sided smile graced his features. "But I'll see you later, 'kay?"

My heart began beating a little faster as he said that. He sounded like he didn't want to leave, and he actually _wanted _to see and maybe even talk to me later? This kid surprised me as much as I apparently seemed to do to him. "Alright," I said, trying to play it off coolly. I was once again determined not to mess up as badly as I had last night. "C'ya later."

Much later that night, I was doing my schoolwork in the front of the bus, where the guys were playing video games. Or at least, I was _supposed _to be doing my schoolwork. I liked to have some background noise when I worked, and the guys almost getting into fights over who one were more than sufficient enough. But for the past half an hour, all I'd been doing was staring blankly at the screen of my laptop, a math sheet half completed staring back at me.

I _still _couldn't get that kid off of my mind. What was so special about him? When he wasn't busy ignoring me and was actually nice, I'd caught a glimpse of what a nice, understanding guy he could have been under the surface. But why did he put up that tough exterior. It was as if he were two different people.

_That sounded so familiar..._

"Mini, what the fuck have you been doing for the past hour?" Jimmy demanded from beside me, and before I could react he snatched my laptop away from me. "Look, you barely even touched this shit; you've just been staring off into space. So tell your uncle Jim-Jim what the fuck is up!"

After he nearly threw my laptop to the side, he turned so he was facing me and took both of my hands in his. "Come on," He began in a high pitched voice. "Is it about a boy?"

Instantly, I began blushing. He'd hit the nail right on the head, and I knew if I didn't get out of there soon, he make me spill everything. "Ohmygod!" He gasped when he took notice of my rosy cheeks. "It is, it is!"

At the start of the tour he'd promised that I could think of him as one of the girls, that I could talk to him about all the _girly _things Matt refused to. Until then, he hadn't thought of it after and I was cussing myself out for being so fucking obvious.

Quickly, I wrenched my hands out of his grip and stood, wanting to get back to the bunks as quickly as possible. "And where the fuck do you think you're going?" He yelled, curling his arms around my waist before I could move so much as an inch. He pulled me down on his lap and held me there. "Oh shit, guys! Patey's got a crush!"

That quickly caught the guys' attention, especially Matt's, and they paused their video game to stare back at us questioningly. "Jimmy," I hissed, straining to keep a smile on my face as I tried to pry his hands off of my waist. "Let me go! I don't have a fucking crush!"

"You do too!" He continued, standing up and slinging me around every which way until he was doing something he'd done to Johnny countless times, to _me. _I gasped as my back collided with his, and each of his arms managed to hold me lengthways as he began jostling me around. "Now fucking spill or this is gonna get a lot worse!"

The rest of the guys must have been really interested, because they made no move to stop Jimmy from assaulting me. "Ow, ow, Jimmy!" I managed to laugh, while on the inside I was nearly shitting myself. This was not good. What was I supposed to tell him? I may have gotten better at lying over the past few months, but I just couldn't randomly pull shit out of my ass, especially to Jimmy.

"Okay, okay!" I finally broke down when he showed no sign of letting me down. "Let me down and I'll tell you!"

My heart was racing as he gingerly set me back on the sofa, staring down at me expectantly. I'd talked to Evan tonight and it didn't go over as badly as I thought it would, so maybe this wouldn't, either? "I _don't _have a crush on anyone. I was just hanging out with some people tonight..."

"Who?" Matt demanded, now looking slightly worried. I did not take that as a good sign.

"The uh... the opening band." I shut my eyes and waited for what would surely be Matt's shit storm, but after several moments of silence, I opened them to see Matt hadn't moved an inch after what I'd said and he'd dropped his amused smile. That was definitely not a good sign, either...

I groaned as soon as I saw his face and got up, not wanting to get into this with him. Wretched Remorse really weren't as bad as everyone though they were. Maybe Noah was a little crazy, but still... that didn't give anyone the right to judge them so quickly.

"Payton," Matt called, his voice muddled with authority. "Don't walk away from me! We're going to talk about this, now get back here."

Of course, my rebellious side began to get the best of me after he said that and ignored him, walking back toward the bunks. Just as I'd expecting, not even two seconds later he was pulling me back. I huffed as I turned around to stare at him in agitation. "What's there to talk about, Matt? I do need some friends besides you guys on this tour, you know."

"They're bad news." He stated simply, crossing his arms over his chest. "I don't think you should hang out with them anymore."

"They're harmless!" I defended, mimicking him as I wrapped my arms around myself.

"I don't care," He cut me off before I could say anything else, "They're _bad news, _Payton," He said, stressing each word as if it would knock some sense into me.

At this point I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere with him. He was judging the band too quickly, I knew there was at least a _little _good in Wretched Remorse. "Whatever," I finally muttered, huffing again as my eyes scanned over the worried looking guys and the irritated Matt before I turned and started back to the bunks again. "I'm—I'm going to sleep."

One thing I knew for sure, I wasn't going to stop hanging out with Evan and the guys just because Matt thought they were 'bad news'. From the looks of it they were going to be my only friends on this tour, and they'd practically welcomed me with open arms. I found that Evan wasn't even that bad, either.

There was no way I was going to stop seeing them.


	15. Chapter Fourteen

"I met a boy."

Immediately after uttering such a statement, I held my phone away from my ear as I waited for Dannii's scream, which did before I could even get a safe distance away from myself. "_No!"_ She yelled, her voice high-pitched with excitement.

Finally admitting it was a huge feat for me, and I didn't really feel up to playing Dannii's games while I hid in the bus's tiny bathroom. Nonetheless, I forced myself to go along with it because this was the first time since tour started that I'd actually talked to her on the phone. "I know. Well, at least I _think._ It's too early to tell anything yet."

"You fucking liar," She began, her voice this time laced with amusement. "I can tell just by the sound of your voice. I wouldn't be surprised if you were in love with him!"

I began wondering then if telling her was such a good idea as I had originally thought. What is all the confusing feelings I felt for Evan just disappeared, or even worse, I made them up? Then I would have spilled all of this to Dannii for absolutely no reason.

On the other end, Dannii continued rambling to herself. "Oh my god, P-Body. You honestly have _no_ idea how happy I am for you! So what's he look like? How'd you meet him?"

"Uh... well, his name's Evan, and uh, I dunno. He's got blond hair and hazel eyes," I paused while I waited for Dannii to finish up another squealing fit. It was odd, trying to describe Evan as the way I was going about it, didn't feel like I was giving him enough justice. "His band is opening up for A7X, you know, remember I asked about them—"

"Wretched Remorse?"

To say the least, I was shocked that Dannii knew who Evan was, and what band he was from, just from the short description I'd given her. Especially since just a few days ago, she was clueless as to who exactly they were. "Yeah..." Was all I could reply with, as I was obviously dumbfounded.

"Oh... god, Payton, you are so fucking lucky! I looked into it after you left, 'cause you know, I was bored and no one phoned me like they _said_ they would," I felt a pang of remorse as she said this, and I immediately promised myself that I'd phone her _every_ single day from then on. "And it turns out that they're pretty much the biggest band in southern California right now!"

"Really..." I trailed off, slightly intrigued. Of course I'd already known that Evan's band had to be at least somewhat popular in order to tour with such an act as Avenged Sevenfold...

But I wanted to know more.

Maybe Dannii knew something, like why the boys of A7X seemed to hate their guts right off the bat, without even uttering a word to them. "Please, tell me more," I said, attempting to mimic her English accent, and keep my voice down at the same time. I was more than aware of the guys out in the living area, once again playing video games. That was all they seemed to do while we waited for the next show.

Dannii finally paused her squealing to laugh. "Don't do that again, please, my ear drums are still bleeding. But yes. All I really know about them is they can be pretty insane. One of them got into a _lot_ of trouble this past summer... apparently he beat up a bunch of guys over at Ocean View, which is why he got expelled."

"Do you know who it was? I mean, which member?"

Several moments passed before Dannii sighed, immediately sending a jolt of disappointment through me. I'd had enough violence over the past few years to last me a lifetime, and I was a little more than slightly hesitant to get myself into more trouble. "Well Christ, Payton! I've only had, what? Three days to work on this? Give me some fucking time will you?" She abruptly snapped, jokingly, into the phone.

"So that means you're gonna keep working on it? It's pretty important that I find out, Dannii," I said my tone sincere and muddled with honesty. It had been too long since we'd had a heart-to-heart conversation.

"Well, P, if it means that much to you... I could probably go to a few shows and ask around—"

"Payton! We're leaving for the venue now!" Matt hollered through the flimsy bathroom door, making me jump up from the closed toilet and drop my phone in the process. "C'mon or the fans are gonna eat you alive!"

At that I groaned and snatched my phone up from the floor, thankful there hadn't been any serious damage done to it. I held it to my ear, surprised to hear Dannii still on the other end, laughing hysterically. "Listen, Dannii, I gotta go," I managed to cut in, chuckling along with her while hoping that Matt hadn't heard _any_ part of our conversation.

I waited while she finished up her laughing spurt, ignoring Matt who was still knocking on the door, quickly saying goodbye to her. Matt and I (or more like just _me_) hadn't been on the best terms since last night, but I'd been at least somewhat friendly to him when I awoke that morning. I did not want to go back to the 'completely ignoring him' stage of our relationship.

Waiting another few moments, just to further agitate him and his lack of patience, I swung the bathroom door open and raised an eyebrow up at him. "Fans?" I asked, somewhat hesitantly.

"Yeah, they're waiting outside the bus for us, which is exactly why I don't want you staying here by yourself." He said, pulling me out by my hand until we were at the front of the bus.

All of the guys were huddled around the door, which was opened a little so they could talk to the fans. I stiffened once I saw the crowd outside the bus, there were easily twenty or thirty fans there, and the sight made me more than slightly nervous.

Seeing my reaction, Matt wrapped and arm around my shoulder and cracked a smile as we walked down the small steps leading to the bus door. "It won't be so bad, just make sure you stay with me."

Even though we weren't getting along all that well at that moment, I was thankful I had a father as huge and intimidating as Matt. Not only because he'd gotten me out of quite a few pickles before, but with his arm wrapped around me it was hard for the fans to even take notice of me, thanks to my small stature, too.

Nonetheless, as soon as we stepped out of the bus a collective gasp was heard from all around us, and I knew the majority of the fans had spotted me. Before _anyone_ could speak, Matt held up his free hand as we pushed through the crowd. "Sorry guys, but we're already late so we have to get going. We'll be out after the show though, so come back then okay?" He said, his voice loud as he tried to get it out over the squealing of certain fans.

I let out a long, relieved sigh once we were safely in the venue. I thought most of A7X's fans were pretty rad, but seeing so many people lined up just to talk to the guys, had me feeling a little queasy.

Still, I refused to let myself get freaked out over something as small as a couple of fans because I had other, more important things to worry about then. Tonight I was determined to see Wretched Remorse perform, and although I was going to avoid him, I wouldn't care if Matt saw me watching them.

The evening passed by painfully slowly, with the guys off busy with sound check and getting everything ready with the roadies and techies, and there wasn't any sign of the boys of Wretched Remorse until they were pushing the limits of being more than 'fashionably late'.

Thankfully though, they did not see me and neither did the guys of A7X as I snuck over to the side of the stage, where the boys were just starting to play. Although I wished I could, I knew I couldn't stay for the entire show because Matt would notice my absence if I were gone any long than five minutes.

Silently, I watched them perform, almost struck with how powerful and just _different_ Brett's voice was from his usual soft tone he normally with. His voice was raw with power and he easily captivated the audience, including me, with his voice and with his rhythm guitar skills. Oliver was the same, he was a completely different person behind his drums as he pounding out his cripplingly fast double bass breakdown. On the other hand, Noah was just as crazy as he usually was, but then he was concentrating on playing the shit out of his bass, he was pretty much in his own little world.

Then, the main person I wanted to see out of this band live. Evan was just so cocky off stage and full of confidence, I _knew_ he had to be pretty good live. And that he was, as soon as I caught sight of him I was instantly drawn in, mesmerized by what he was doing with his guitar.

He was playing so passionately, as if he were letting out all of the emotions his overly-cocky side wouldn't allow him to.

I didn't normally fall for bad boys, or _any_ boys for that matter. But this kid, he was different. He sparked odd things inside of me, things that made me both terrified and ecstatic at the same time.

Almost as if he could sense me watching him, he turned slightly and looked directly at me while still playing, sending me one of his infamous winks and making my heart jump into my throat. I didn't care what Matt said at that moment, Evan made me feel things, the best things I'd felt in months, just by _looking_ at me.

I had to know more about him. What made him so special? Why could he make me feel the strangest of feelings just with a simple look? By then I was determined to find out more about him, regardless of what anyone had to say.

2


	16. Chapter Fifteen

At the next tour date I was hanging out with the boys yet again, and as always they were easily entertaining me while I waited for Avenged to get off stage. I had been almost wishing that they'd stayed out _longer_, as I could have honestly hung out with those guys for hours on end and not get bored.

Unfortunately, however, I did not get much alone time with Evan as I'd wanted. I'd rather find out about his past from him instead of Dannii, but I knew fully well how much of a fat chance that was. Both he and I were sitting on the floor against the cement wall, right next to the emergency exit, while Noah ran around, pretending to whip people with random guitar strings and coming dangerously close to actually do so. Obviously, Brett was right behind him but he could never seem to catch him. Oliver was as quiet as he'd always been, watching it all go down from across the room. They had practically taken over backstage tonight, and I had to say it was pretty awesome.

"Hey, listen Payton," Evan sighed from beside me, tiredly running a hand down his face, but he smiled at me nonetheless. He'd seemingly been okay with me since that night after the Las Vegas indecent, and I was enjoying his pleasant company a little _too_ much. "Do you wanna get—"

A fuzzy Pantera song I was quite able to recognize interrupted us, making me sigh just as irritably as he had. He had sounded like he was going to ask me something _serious_, and then I was inwardly cussing his stupid little phone out for stopping him short. All he had to do was take one look at the caller ID, and it was as if he had instantly lost his good mood. "Hello?" He answered, his tone alarmingly soft.

In an instant, he was on his feet and pacing around in front of me, back and forth. "_No,_ no Katie. I already told you I _can't_. You know I can't!" He replied vehemently, more upset than I'd ever seen him. Just as quickly as he'd gotten up, he was heading for the 'exit' door, and my heart dropped in disappointment. Not only had his phone interrupted him, but then he was in a _bad _mood. He more than likely wasn't going to bring up whatever he'd been talking about for the rest of the night.

I looked around questioningly when the door slammed shut behind him, and I found that all the guys had stopped what they were doing to listen into what little of the conversation we could catch with 'Katie'. Even _Noah_ had calmed down considerably, but his hands twitched oddly around the strings, as if he want to whip some more roadies with them but he knew he wasn't able to. They all looked unbearably uncomfortable, too, which only made me wonder about Evan that much more.

Since I'd obviously made my curiosity known to everyone, I dipped my head down with a sigh, resting it on my knee. My good night had ended abruptly.

"Fuckin' awesome crowd tonight, man!" I heard Brian holler, instantly making me freeze. The past hour or so had passed by much faster than I thought it had, and I was _this_ close to being caught with the boys of Wretched Remorse _again._ Brett and Noah were only a few feet away from me, and it would have been obvious that I'd been hanging out with them, even sans Evan.

No, I could not handle dealing with Matt and telling him I was 'okay' over and over again tonight. In a split second, with only a moment's hesitation, I was up and out the door even faster than Evan had left.

On the way out I ignored the confused stares the three remaining boys were giving me, mumbling about how I 'had to get some fresh air'. What would they say if they knew I wasn't supposed to be hanging out with them, that I was sneaking around my father's back just to see them?

There was way too much on my mind; much more than I usually let myself think about and my brain was about to be overloaded. I could feel a headache coming on already, and I couldn't imagine how it would feel if Matt found me and bitched me out for the rest of the night.

I really did need some time to think, I wasn't lying to the boys when I said that. To say I was in over my head was putting it lightly. God only knew the last time Matt and I had a _real_ talk, last night had been the first time I'd spoken with Dannii since tour started. And even though it had only been a short amount of time, a _lot_ had happened since then. I just wished I could have a talk with Matt, like the ones we used to have. But... I just _couldn't._

First, he would be hurt that I'd kept _so much_ from him, and I couldn't take seeing him hurt over _my_ actions again. It had all but broken me the last time, and I wasn't prepared to go through that a second time. Then, he would more than likely be angry, but only for a short amount of time then it would be back to feeling like shit, as if he could have somehow _forced_ me to talk to him and that my keeping things from him was _his_ fault. That was just how Matt thought; he already felt bad enough for missing the first fourteen years of my life, and then when I finally arrive I have all these problems that I won't let him help me with.

Everything was just as complicated as it had been the year before, if not more. Adding a boy into the mix was more than likely a bad idea on my part, too, as I already had enough shit on my plate as it was. But Evan... even though I'd only talked to him a few times, I felt as if I could talk to him about anything. And subsequently, it had been tempting to tell Matt the little things I'd told Evan, almost as if he'd made things easier to talk about.

Slowly, I inhaled a deep breath of the wintry Utah night air, and then let it out. It seemed like I could only think so much when I was alone, while I just froze when I was around anyone who wanted to talk, when thinking and talking actually mattered and I wasn't drowning in my own thoughts alone.

Just as I was about to turn another corner and throw myself down against the hard cement wall, I heard a string of cusses from the other side and I instantly stopped, my ears pricking at their harsh choice of words.

Soon, I realized I recognized this voice, it was _Evan,_ and it sounded like every emotion he'd chosen to let out on stage was then coming through in his words. I peeked around the corner, only to see him throw himself against the brick wall just as violently as I'd wanted to do to myself, sliding down it until his head rested on his knees.

Breathing heavily, he slowly looked up and clutched his phone tightly, to the point where it looked like it was possible he was going to crush it, then he whipped it clear across the parking lot. When it eventually landed in the darkness, all I could hear was the crash of it coming into contact with what sounded like a car window. Evan, however, didn't even flinch at the sound.

With a short gasp I stumbled back, having never seen Evan in such a state had admittedly scared me a little, and I was definitely not expecting him to trash his phone. Whatever he'd been talking to 'Katie' about had to have been pretty damn heavy for him to do something so rash.

Because I basically had no idea where I was going, I ended up stumbling straight into someone's arms, and they had to hold onto me so I didn't fall _again._ "Payton, Patey! Calm down, are you okay? What happened?" Matt asked, just as startled as I was as he stared down at me with worry evident in his eyes. Behind him, _all_ of the guys stared at me with the same worried look.

Quickly, I shook my head, trying to think of something to say. The last thing I wanted him to do, or any of the guys for that matter, was glance around the corner to see a certain lead guitarist they seemed to hate so much having a mental breakdown of his own.

"I'm fine. I was just—I just needed some fresh air, is all," I said, basically repeating what I'd told the boys of Wretched Remorse, and once again I was not lying. That _was_ what I'd come out for, escaping Matt and the guys for those few short seconds was just a bonus. "And you guys scared the shit out of me—hey! Come on, I'm sure the fans are missing you, so let's go!" I hastily turned around when I heard Evan, or what I thought was Evan, getting up around the corner.

"—Okay," Matt said slowly, quirking a questioning eyebrow down at me. "But speaking of, they've been kicking up a stink ever since you refused to perform with us. The only way to redeem yourself is to play a song or two with us." He said smartly, as if the fans getting let down would entice me a little more.

Before I could reply with something that would let _him_ down too, Johnny interrupted me. "Are you sure you weren't up to anything out here, Toni? You're actin' kinda suspicious."

Once again Matt's features reverted back to his usual worried grimace, and I let out a loud, nervous laugh before he could question me any further. "Yeah Johnny, I'm out here shooting up. God." I snorted, sneaking a glance behind me as we neared the exit door once again. If I could have, I would've gasped when I saw Evan staring back at us, emotionless. I managed a small smile before turning around again. I _really_ hoped he didn't think I was watching him or something just as lude, but knowing the ever-so-cocky Evan, that would be the only reasonable thing he could think of for me being out here.

What else could I have said to Johnny, though? Although I really _hadn't_ been out there with Evan, Matt would jump to conclusions. I could feel that in my gut, and it wouldn't be good for anyone on tour.

"Are you sure you didn't sneak out here to make out with some kid? I swear I'll snap his neck, Patey!" Jimmy burst out suddenly, stopping in front of me and taking me by the shoulders.

"What, no Jimmy you freak. I didn't come out here for anyone. I just wanted to be alone for a minute. Jesus, you're all so weird..." I mumbled, looking down as I felt myself blushing, somehow thinking about Evan when Jimmy talked about such a thing.

"You know we'll find out eventually, kid," Matt said, glancing at me through the corner of his eye. "Cause we _always_ do."

For once I _wasn't_ lying, and Matt chooses _then_ not to believe me. Although I'd lied about much more than my fair share of things, I'd most certainly been telling the truth when I said I wasn't sneaking around out there.

Was I _ever_ going to win?


	17. Chapter Sixteen

"So..." Brian said across from where I was standing, leaning on what little of the 'kitchen counter' he could. Zacky was beside him as usual, and the rest of the guys were staring from the living area.

"So?" I asked warily when he didn't elaborate any further. He obviously wanted to tell me _something,_but I just wished he would hurry up and spit it out. It was all but killing me not knowing.

After another long pause, he abruptly began smirking. I didn't take that as a good sign, then. A smirking Brian was always up to something. "Where were you these last few shows?" He asked coyly, his smirking intensifying, as did Zacky's. I did not know how much everyone knew of my whereabouts while they were performing, but I knew then they were beginning to wonder.

His question made me falter slightly, but nonetheless I mimicked his cocky smirk. "I see enough of you guys on the bus as it is. I'd much rather be sleeping or relaxing than watching your show."

In the blink of an eye, all the guys began either bitching or begging me to watch the show tonight. _Okay, so maybe I'd chosen the wrong thing to say..._"Please, Mini!" Jimmy screamed as he dropped to his knees, wrapping his arms around my legs as he looked up at me with a pout. "I'll _prove_ to you that we're not just your boring old uncles! Just watch us tonight. Please?"

Thinking Jimmy's begging would be enough to convince me to watch the show, all the guys went back to wearing their usual smirk. I really didn't mind watching their shows show, I actually enjoyed it quite a bit, but the hour or so while they were performing was the _only_ time I got with Evan and the boys.

I could just tell him the truth. That I wanted to hang out with my friends. The opening band. If I hadn't lied to everyone countless times about it already, I'm sure that it would have been an acceptable thing to say. But no.. I'd dug myself down to far this time around. If I could help it, they wouldn't find out about my constant rendezvous' with the boys of Wretched Remorse for a long, long time.

"I dunno, you guys—"

"Are you worried we're gonna bring you onstage again?" When I shook my head, Matt looked at me skeptically. "Well what's wrong? What's so important you could be doing while we're performing, then?"

Once again, Brian got that shit-eating grin on his face. "Yeah Peanut, watching us should be the highlight of your night."

Both Johnny and Zacky observed me quietly, not taking part in their usual banter for the most part. They'd been quiet throughout the entire conversation, and that admittedly worried me a little.

That was it then. I had no choice but to agree to go along. If not, Jimmy would be crushed and the rest of the guys would grow even more suspicious of my whereabouts for the hour I got alone every two nights or so. "Okay, fine," I finally agreed, cracking a smile. "I'll watch your show tonight." I guess I was going to have to go without seeing the boys for once night...

"Muah, muah! I love you, you adorable little shit!" Jimmy yelled, attempting a Russian accent as he gave me a sloppy kiss on each cheek. When he turned away, I grimaced and wiped away any Jimmy-residue that may have been remaining on my face. Everyone laughed at that, only making Jimmy pout.

With just over an hour to spare before we arrived at the venue, I turned on my heel and headed back to the bunks. The guys were pretty much in their own world, and I sincerely doubted they would even notice my absence.

My phone didn't even ring twice until Dannii picked it up. "Payton, holy shit! I found out why, why he got into so much trouble with the cops!"

Normally I wouldn't have laughed at how urgent and utterly out of her mind Dannii sounded at that moment, but because she basically started screaming before I could even get a 'hello' out, I was slightly confused. "Wait... what? Who?"

Somehow, thinking about the police and an unnamed 'him'' I almost thought, just for once small, split second, that Dannii was talking about Tyler. My throat instantly clogged at just the thought of him.

Secretly, I always wondered about him. I mean, a person couldn't be that heavily involved in drugs and not had at least a couple of run in's with the police. And even after everything, it would break my heart to see him in any kind of trouble.

"The pope. Evan, you dumb shit!"

As she said this, all of my fears were realized. It wasn't any of the other band members that had gotten into trouble with the law. It was Evan. The boy I had what seemed to be a major crush on. Up until then, I hadn't even thought of him as that much of a bad boy. Did I even _want_ a bad boy?

"Oh my god. He murdered someone, didn't he? I knew it. No one can be that good looking and not be fucked up in some way!" I rambled, as loud as I possibly could without drawing attention to myself from the guys.

"Payton, calm your fucking hormones and let me explain!" When several moments passed and I thankfully remained silent, Dannii finally sighed and continued. "Alright, I know they must be at an all-time high right now, so thank you for actually calming your hormones. _Anyway,_ his sister, Kaitlin, Casey... Kara..."

"Katie?" I all but squeaked through the phone, letting a shimmer of hope filter through my voice.

"Yes, that's it!" Dannii yelled, and I laughed slightly as I could hear her snapping her fingers in the background. "Yeah. So Katie... well, to be blunt, she got raped." Once again, Dannii paused as she waited for her words to sink.

Fearing she would grow frustrated with me again if I chose to comment, I kept quiet as I waited for her to elaborate. "Apparently when Evan found out he went effing berserk. He almost beat the guy to death."

At that, I let a small gasp escape my lips but nothing more than that. "I know P, I know. But I can sort of see his reasoning behind it, as I know _someone_ with a similar temper."

On one hand I was glad Evan didn't randomly beat some guy down and he didn't have some psycho ex-girlfriend I had to worry about. But on the other, like Dannii said, our tempers were similar. And when you put two people with such hot tempers together, the results surely wouldn't be good.

What happened with his sister was completely fucked up, and I knew that if I were in his position I would have done the exact same thing. _Without a second thought._ "Shit. I mean, I understand why he would go off like that but... _shit,"_ I mumbled, still in shock.

"I know. I couldn't believe it either. But Patey... there's more." I let out a long groan as she said that, not really caring then if the guys heard me or not. "But I'm not telling you!" She screamed, nearly at the top of her lungs.

"_What?_ And why the fuck not?" I demanded, somewhat offensively. What could possibly be so bad about Evan that Dannii couldn't even tell me over the phone?

"Listen, I'll tell you about it if things between you and Evan don't work out. But just in case they do, I don't want out to hear this from me."

After letting out another groan, I began begging Dannii just as Jimmy had done with me minutes earlier. It's for your own good P. I'm not ruining this relationship before it's even begun. I have to go, but call me later okay?"

"Wait, wait! Dannii—come on—" When all I heard won the other end was the lonely sound of the dial tone, I let out another sigh and threw my phone to the foot of my bunk. Whatever Dannii was refusing to tell me for the time being had to be at the very least not good, and I was anxious for the show tonight because of that. Since I had to watch A7X's show to keep up appearances with Matt, was I going to see Evan tonight? And was I _ever_ going to find out the truth about him?

Later that night, I was watching A7X from the side of the stage exactly as I'd promised the guys. To make sure I wasn't going to sneak off like I'd been sort of hoping to, Matt and the rest of the guys kept shooting me warning glances whenever they could.

I hadn't even asked to go down and see the show with the crowd, knowing there was absolutely no chance of dad letting me. Although I was willing to bet it would have put the show in to a much different perspective.

For the half hour I'd been there so far, I hadn't even gotten a glimpse of any of the boys from Wretched Remorse. I was partially watching the show, partially zoning out. Why couldn't Dannii just tell me before I got too involved with Evan? I wanted to know before I got any closer to him.

"So what were you doing, stalking me last night?" A cold, familiar voice as behind me, and I could feel Evan stand uncomfortably close to me as he spoke into my ear so I could hear him. I remained still in front of him, refusing to let it show how much he'd startled me and aware of how easy it would have been for any one of the guys to just glance over at that exact moment.

"It _was _ a public parking lot, you know. And it was way too stuffy in there; I had to get some fresh air." I said loudly, hoping he would hear me because I was definitely not leaning back into _his_ ear. As I spoke, I backed away slightly so I was just out of sight from the guys. Carefully, I chose my next words when Evan didn't reply. "What was that about last night, though?"

That seemed to hit a nerve for him, and he backed away as if I told him I wanted to brand him. "And why the fuck should I tell you?" He asked, venom seeping through in his tone.

Defensively, I help up my hands and looked up at him questioningly. "I was just asking. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." I said sincerely, actually meaning it. It looked like it was very hard for Evan to even skirt around the subject, and if it was going to damage our non-existent relationship I didn't want to bring it up again; at least for a little while.

One long moment passed by and he simply stared at me, his gaze wondering, that was until one of Matt's piercing screams made me jump out of my skin. I could tell he was surprised I'd let that go so easily, but I understood more than he thought. I knew exactly how hard it could be to talk, or even think, about things. "I'm not supposed to be hanging out with you," I blurted out quickly, _why was I always so honest with him?_ "I guess—I guess my dad has heard some things about you guys, and he doesn't think I should be seeing you."

He seemingly was not fazed at all by my new confession, simply nodding and smiling. "Thank you, for not pushing it." He mumbled, and I _almost_ didn't catch it.

"You're welcome. I know how hard it can be to talk about things." I replied, sneaking a peek back to the stage. I didn't want any of the guys to notice my disappearance.

"Well, I'll get out of your way I guess. Don't want you getting into too much trouble, _yet._" He said, his usual smirk placed back onto its original place.

I let out a much needed laugh at that. "Yeah, Matt'll get pissy if I don't watch. I promised everyone I would."

That may have been the most truthful conversation I'd had in a long time, but as I watched Evan stalk away and back to his band mates, I had way too many things on my mind. The whole point of this tour was to relax and _not_ think about things, but it seems that since it started, all of the complications had doubled in size.

And eventually, I knew I was going to have to work them all out. _Somehow._

So, this supposedly got 'reported'. I dunno what's going on. This story is fanfiction, so I figured why not post it on a place called '', right? I dunno... something about it is just sketchy, as it was posted in the comments. And until now, I wasn't even aware that you could report stories here at all. Can anybody help me understand what's going on? Thank you in advance!


	18. Chapter Seventeen

Matt

My eyes scanned the room, waiting for someone who I thought I could trust to walk by. Zacky was standing beside me, his expression mirroring my worried one. In just a few minutes we would be onstage performing once again, but first I had to take care of one thing.

"Hey, Chris, can you do something for me?" I asked, grabbing him by the arm as he hurried past me. He was a pale, scrawny kid with dirty blonde hair, a roadie who was just starting out. He didn't look a day older than eighteen. Not the best roadie around, but he was getting there and I knew I could trust him, at least with this small thing.

Hesitantly, he nodded and looked shocked that I even remembered his name. "Sure, what can I do for you Shads?" He asked exuberantly, looking stoked to be something other than hauling equipment around.

"You know my kid right, Payton?" I waited until he nodded before I continued. "Well, could you watch her tonight? I mean, what she's doing and _who_ she's doing it with?"

For a moment he looked confused as to why I was asking him to babysit my kid, but he nodded once again in compliance. "But be subtle about it, okay? Don't make it obvious whatever you do."

This was wrong, I knew that. And I also knew that when Payton found out I was having people _watch_ her, she would strangle me. But seeing my daughter keep things from me as if I were a complete stranger to her again was killing me. She'd grown so distant over the past few months, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why.

"Okay man, I'll do my best." Chris said, still smiling. I laughed and patted his shoulder before he took off, just about racing ahead of everyone else.

Of course, Payton was Payton and I'd almost grown to accept that she'd always keep _some_ things from me. I knew that after I missed so much of her life, she would have a hard time to ever fully trust me with anything.

But it was getting out of hand then. I was her father, basically her only parent if you didn't count the guys and girls, and I did worry over her a lot. I thought she would have understood that I'd like to know where she's going when I'm not able to watch over her, but these days she's not even doing that.

All the things she was refusing to talk about with me had to be wearing down on her. Eventually, just like the last time, she was going to break down or something _bad_ was going to happen to her. If I could help it, I was going to stop it from getting to that point. I just hoped she would cooperate with me for once.

"Like I said man, me n' Short Shit only saw her running around down in that casino in Vegas. I don't know any more than that." Zacky muttered beside me.

"I know, I know Zacky." I said, letting out a heavy sigh. "I just wish it didn't have to come to this."

He cracked a small smile and patted my back just as I had done with Chris. "It'll be all right... eventually."

I just wished Payton and I could have a talk like we used to, an entirely truthful one. I was almost sure that would fix a lot of things. And hopefully when I find out what she's keeping from us, we will.

Payton

Just five minutes into hanging out with Wretched Remorse, my can of soda was spewing through my nose because I was laughing so hard. Evan and Noah were rolling around on the floor, 'beating each other up' while the rest of us watched. Even if it was just play-fighting, Evan was winning by a long shot and Noah was getting out of breath just a few minutes into it.

As usual Brett remained stony faced about the whole thing, muttering that either Evan was going to hurt Noah or he was going to hurt himself, but even he and Oliver managed to crack a smile at the two and laugh a little. It felt great to just laugh freely at _nothing_ again and not feel bad about it.

Grinning, Evan brushed himself off as he stood up from the floor, leaving a panting Noah to rest. He wrapped a casual arm around my shoulders as we both leaned against the wall, and for a moment I tensed before forcing myself to relax. This was new, before Evan always kept at least a little distance between the two of us, but then I was confused. So, _what?_ Did he like me back then? Or was he just being friendly?

There were two other things that sort of caught my attention, one more than the other. Although there were always loads of roadies around, but there was one guy, who had semi-long, dirty blonde hair, who always passed by us every few minutes. Sometimes he had a few patch cables in his hand, other times nothing. And he _always_ snuck a few glances at the five of us, as if he were looking for something. For the most part, I ignored him.

The other, Brett threw me small, tense glances whenever Evan and I made contact with each other. I could tell he was observing me for at least ten minutes. I looked up at Evan, only to see him staring back at Brett. I knew then that something was up.

"Is everything okay, Brett?" I asked tentatively, my voice coming out small. I really hoped he didn't have any sort of problems with me, and I thought he hadn't until then. Silently, he turned and motioned for me to follow him. I shot one last look up at Evan before following Brett, my footsteps hesitant. If that was what he wanted, I wasn't ready for any confrontation with him tonight.

I still had a lot of things to accomplish tonight. I wanted to find out what Dannii was hiding from me about Evan, preferably from himself, and if Brett were to have a few not-so kind words with me, I don't think I would be up for making any more progress with Evan. I looked up at Brett expectantly when he took my arm, leading me into an unlocked, vacated dressing room.

"I've noticed how close you're getting with Evan." He stated, rather bluntly.

Shocked, I immediately began rambling, stumbling over every word I uttered. "I—no, I don't, it..." I paused and took a deep breath, slowly exhaling in hopes of calming myself down. If I was going to be truthful with Evan, then that also meant I had to own up to my feelings for him, even if it was to his best friend. "Yeah. I like him, _a lot."_ I finally admitted, looking at my shoes as I felt the blush burning my cheeks to the point where it hurt.

He broke out into a smile then, then, as suddenly as his mood had changed, he brought me into a warm, tight hug. His hugs were just welcoming and familiar, for a moment I thought I was hugging my dad instead of a guy I met just a few weeks ago. I wondered if Matt would be as understanding as Brett had just been?

"That's good. Evan really deserves a girl like you in his life." He grinned as he pulled away, but made no move to go for the door, and that only led me to believe he had more he wanted to talk about. "Listen though, I know that Evan _may_ come off as a... uh, an asshole sometimes, but it just takes him a while to warm up to people. He's gone through a lot, Payton, and he still has to go through a lot more. Don't mess him up more than he already has been."

"I promise," I said quickly, holding up my hands to show I wasn't crossing my fingers, somewhat childishly. "I promise I won't."

After I said that, he let out a laugh and it cut through the last bit of tension that was left. "Okay. He really likes you though, and if you don't make a move soon _he_ will."

Thinking, I stopped short from what I was about to say and met his eyes. "Wait—what did you mean by 'he's going to go through a lot more'?"

"That's for Evan to tell you, not me." I let out a long sigh at his reply, hating the fact that he had given me almost the exact same answer that Dannii had.

Brett left soon after, but I'd chosen to stay back in the dressing room and think. I had been hoping to get somewhere tonight with Evan, but then I just had more and more questions and it didn't look like they would be answered anytime soon. I had gotten no further with Evan than where'd I'd left off.

2


	19. Chapter Eighteen

Things since the last tour date when Brett had confronted me about my feelings for Evan had been... _okay._ The boys had been acting as happy-go-lucky as they had always been, as was Jimmy, but I was pretty sure there wasn't much that could bring that lunatic down. The rest of the guys, though... they had been acting oddly. Not only were they quieter than usual, but Matt was being pretty obvious about it. Apparently something was up.

Everything he said always managed to come back to me. For instance, when Brian asked what time they were heading into the next venue, Matt said that 'He's going around six or so, but Payton can go earlier if she feels like it.'

I _did not _like that. It felt as if he were watching my every move, like I had absolutely no space whatsoever. It was very quickly pissing me off, and if we hadn't left for the show early I would have snapped.

I was worried. What did he know? And why was he acting so... oddly about it? Before, if he knew something about me that I was keeping secret, he would just come right out and tell me. So if he _did_ know something, why couldn't he just do the same thing he had always been doing? It felt like he was giving me a chance to own up to whatever he thought he knew about me, but I couldn't be too sure.

Once again, I was hanging out with the boys while A7X was on stage performing. However, with all of the happenings with Matt and the guys just a few hours earlier, I was really feeling up to goofing off with them. Thankfully though, Evan had chosen to sit next to me and just relax as we watched everything go on.

"You know what?" Noah asked suddenly, skidding to a halt in front of us as he scratched his head in wonder. "I think you guys would make a _cah-ute_ couple!"

Instantly, I felt the blush creep up my neck. Oliver noticed as he usually did, the kid was too observant for his own good, and whispered into Brett's ear. "Alright come on you weirdo, you're freaking everyone out." Brett said, literally grabbing Noah by the ear and that only led to dragging him out, kicking and screaming.

Evan smiled at their retreating figures, but once he turned back to me he grew nervous. It was obvious the rest of the boys had left because they knew (Or well... with the exception of Noah) Evan and I needed some time alone. And I may have been just as or even more nervous than him, but I could not get over how cute his nervous smile was, much more attractive than his usual smirk in my opinion.

His eyes flickered from meeting mine to the floor, and as he did this I noticed the roadie, the one from the night before, stalking his way through the crowd of roadies, the scattered fans, and all the other straggled who had decided against actually attending the show. His gaze met mine for a split second, and then he took off running. I had more important things on my mind then, or _people_, so I ignored the odd kid who seemed frightened of my appearance.

The way Evan bit his lip and his hand trembled just slightly as he reached for mine was absolutely adorable. I'd never seen this side of him before. "Listen, Payton," He began, this time locking his hazel eyes with mine and keeping them there. "I really like you a lot, but if this is going to work there are some things I have to tell you about first..." He trailed off, then winced as if _I_ were about to reject _him._

This was insane for me. Was something actually going _right_ for me for once? And he was going to willing explain what Dannii had been keeping from me about him? This was just too good to be true...

In the background, there was some shouting but there was _always_ a lot of that at shows, so I tuned that out, too. I nodded slightly, smiling at him. "I do too, Evan. There are a couple of things I want to tell you, too."

"Okay—well, do you wanna go for a walk, and we can talk then?" He looked utterly relieved and happy once he heard that, and I found myself feeling stupid and ditsy for having to hold back a giggle while I nodded one more time.

We both stood, Evan not letting go of my hand which only made me grin up at him.

"_Payton!"_

Gulping, I jumped away from Evan's hand as if it burned me. There was no mistaking Matt's voice. Not only was it as loud and thunderous as ever, but he was using the deep, utterly fucking scary tone he used when I was in a shitload of trouble.

Just after his yell, I was pulled back several feet away from Evan and Matt arms came around my shoulder, almost protectively, as he stared at Evan as if he wanted to rip him to shreds.

Fortunately, Evan was staring back at him with a neutral expression, observing Matt's defensive stance and the 'don't fuck up' look on my face. I was shocked, though. Matt was _supposed_ to be on stage, and more than likely into the second half of the band's set list. The last thing I wanted was an argument on both sides.

Right then, all of Matt's anger was focused on Evan, and he obviously just wanted to get me away from him for some godforsaken reason. Evan however, all but ignored him as he stuck his hands in his pockets and smiled slightly at me. "Well, I guess I'll see you later Payton..." He said, turning around to walk away.

"Yeah, no you fucking won't," Matt snapped, his voice as loud as ever. Evan didn't look back, though. "Fuckin' punk..." He grumbled, then turned back toward the 'exit' door and began all but dragging me out.

I was caught then, and there was much I could do or say to make the situation any better in my favour. It hadn't even really sunk in yet, but I knew this had to come sometime. I couldn't keep up with all the lying, all the shenanigans any longer than I'd already managed to.

Maybe I'd been caught in the worst way possible, but I just wanted to get the brute of Matt's anger over with, and it hadn't even started to focus on me. When I noticed our bus not far away, I figured I should say _something._ "Why—why aren't you onstage?" I asked, my voice sounding vague and almost out of it. I _was_ feeling pretty numb, and my tone certainly reflected that. It was almost as if I'd gone into shock.

As quickly as that had come out of my mouth, he stopped and turned me so I was facing him. "Who gives a fuck about that, Payton?" He snapped, and by then we were nearing the bus. "I wanna know why you were hanging out with a bunch of punks and _why_ you thought you couldn't tell me!"

His thundering voice somewhat snapped me out of my almost-daze, and I matched his glare with my own harsh one. "They're not 'a bunch of punks.' And I already told you I was with them once, and you overreacted! I wasn't going to tell you a second time." I replied, still holding my ground. "And you didn't specifically say I couldn't hang out with them!"

"Okay, so what did I say exactly, then?" He demanded, his gaze never softening.

That was easy. "That you thought me hanging out with them wasn't a good idea."

"Well, in that case I'm specifically telling you _now,_ you're not allowed to even go near them anymore, Payton." My fists clenched as he said this, and I found that I couldn't even meet his eyes because I was so angry. "I know you've kept things from me before, but this is just going too far. They're a bad influence on you."

_Them_ a bad influence on _me?_ I'd been the most truthful in the last few weeks than I have in months, so I would have said their company was doing me good, and a world of it, too. "But—but that's not fair!" I protested. "Just let me explain. You don't even know them!"

Before I could ramble any longer, Matt sent me another glare and held up his hand, making me stop short. "I have to go finish the show—"

"I thought you didn't give a fuck about the show!" I yelled, exasperated with him.

For a moment, he pulled back, looking shocked, but then he quickly recuperated. "Do _not_ get smart with me, Payton!" He growled, and I involuntarily shivered, wishing I could go into the bus already. It was freezing out and all I had on was a hoodie. "I have to go finish the show, but if I even _hear_ about you getting off this bus I swear Payton, you're on the next flight back to Huntington."

Quickly, that shut me up in an instant. I remained quiet as he escorted me onto the bus. "I suggest you think about what you're going to say, because when we get back we _are_ going to have a talk." Shortly after he said that, he left. His angry, heavy footsteps could be heard several yards away from the bus. Once again I was shocked, _where had that even come from?_

And more importantly, was he serious about his threat? My insides were already feeling like they were freezing over at the thought of going home. Not only would I be without my newfound friends and possibly (if Matt hadn't interrupted) _boyfriend,_ but I wouldn't have the guys around to distract me from my thoughts, either.

Basically, I had an hour, maybe two tops because I was sure Matt wouldn't want to be dealing with the fans tonight, to think about what exactly I _was_ going to say to him and what I_ wasn't._ I had to think _everything_ through, because I had to be at least a little coherent when he demanded to know what the fuck I'd been thinking these past few weeks.

I didn't even know where to start anymore.


	20. Chapter Nineteen

There was really only one thing I could do. It was obvious I couldn't sort my thoughts out on my own, even if things were normal couldn't. I needed help.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Dannii. It's—it's Payton," I sniffed, attempting to hold back a small cry. "I... I fucked up."

Admitting even that was exhausting for me, and my hand shook as I ran it through my hair. Things were not going well. I'd been in the bus, alone, for about an hour. Matt's words were only then beginning to sink in. "_Payton?_ My god, what's wrong? Are you okay?" Dannii called frantically, and I then felt bad for phoning her in the first place. I didn't want to worry her.

What could I say to start this off? I hadn't mentioned to her that'd I'd been keeping _all_ of this and then some from Matt. "I kept... I kept everything from Matt. And he just found out about it."

"Why? What did you keep from him? P, you're not making much sense. You sound like hell. Just slow down, we've got all night." _Or at least until Matt got back._

"I—I don't even know why anymore, Dannii. First it was just one little white lie about hanging out with Wretched Remorse, and then I found myself lying constantly, about _everything."_

Pouring my heart out to Dannii may have been just what I needed, but I was still excessively confused. I wasn't explaining the entire picture to Dannii, that'd I been keeping things from Matt for _months,_ not just the last few weeks, but I couldn't bring myself to even think about those things right then.

The things, my problems, in the present were enough to make me break down crying, anyway. I wanted to save the rest for later. Dannii let out a long sigh after I finished. "Patey, hun, why do you do this to yourself? Why are you so scared of talking to him?"

Why _was_ I so scared to talk to him? Sure, I could go with the 'he wouldn't understand' thing. But again, that was about the problems I had in the present. The things from the past, on the other hand...

"I mean, really Payton. After the whole Tyler thing," I involuntarily flinched at the mentioning of such a painful name, it brought of the very things from the past I wasn't trying not to think about. "I thought you would have learned that talking to Matt about things can do you _good,_ not bad."

"I'm sorry." I choked, leaning back into my pillow. My bunk had become my safe heaven these past few weeks, equivalent to what my room was to me back home in Huntington Beach.

"_No,"_ Dannii said sharply, startling me a little. "You have nothing to be sorry for. If trusting Matt with your thoughts and feelings is hard for you, it's not your fault. Stuff like that is _never_ your fault, Payton."

Another hiccup got stuck in my throat. "Well—what am I supposed to do, what am I supposed to say, then?" Still I had no clue what I was going to say to him. It would break his heart if he learned that after all this time, that he thought I was _okay,_ that I really hadn't been and I didn't even _trust_ him?

Why couldn't I ever think of this when I should have been, when I actually had a chance to ask this, to talk about this, with Matt? I always chose when it was too late. After a long, thoughtful pause, Dannii began speaking. "Alright... okay, here's what you're going to tell him—"

Then, just my luck of course, I heard the bus door swing open and the loud voices of the guys calling out to me. Letting out a small gasp, I hurriedly told Dannii I had to go and hung up, instantly feeling bad but I reasoned with myself. I had no choice but to, because if Matt came back and saw me _chatting_ on the phone with a friend, he'd think I wasn't taking the situation as seriously as I should have been.

Hurriedly, I wiped away the remainder of my tears and got out of the bunk, heading toward the front of the bus as slowly as I possibly could. I was once again shocked to see that even _Jimmy_ was taking this seriously, sitting at one of the small sofas with everyone else. I had to stop my hands from trembling again as I held back even more tears. They didn't even know a _tenth_ of what I'd been keeping from them.

First, as I thought they would, they gave me the third degree as a whole. I could not meet Matt's eyes the entire time, and I knew that probably irked him but I just couldn't help it. I'd let him, and everyone else, down.

"Why were you with them?" Zacky was the first to break the silence, and he scrutinized my appearance as he did so, more than likely trying to figure out if I was lying.

"Because—they're fun to hang out with," My voice may have been hoarse, but that still didn't not hinder my ability to include sarcastic undertones. "What do you think, they're sell me crack or something?"

At this, Matt gave me a hard look, but I chose to ignore him for the time being. It was only when he started yelling that I had to shut myself up.

"Well what were you doing with them?" Johnny demanded, his voice louder than Zacky's.

"They're fun to hang out with!" I repeated, this time much more defensively. I wanted them to look at the bigger picture, not just the immediate one.

Matt's head, even though I'd repeated the exact same thing, snapped up at this. "Okay, then. So what were you doing with that kid, alone?"

It was comical what happened next, but I refused to acknowledge how alike, and consequently how overprotective, they all were. Each of their head's snapped up, and Jimmy's eyes widened and he let out a melodramatic gasp. "You were... you were alone... _with a boy?"_

I was surprised Matt hadn't told them about that already, as I was sure my being alone with Evan was pretty much the _only_ reason he hauled me away from him. Letting out a groan, I once again ran my hand through my hair, my shoulders tense with stress. They had no idea what I was going through. Couldn't they just stop and ask some _real_ questions for once? Ones that mattered... to me?

"It was no big deal," I forced myself to say. "There were literally _hundreds_ of people around, guys."

Brian instantly began protesting, backing up everyone else just as I thought he would. I expected no less from him. "Anything can go down at shows, Peanut. You should know that by now."

_Was he referring to when they hauled me onstage by surprise?_ Then yes, I knew what he was talking about. But that wasn't exactly bad. And from what I could gather and with every bit of confidence I had left, _Evan _wasn't bad. "It wasn't like that." I pressed. "We were just talking. That's it."

"How do I know whether or not I should believe you?" Matt asked, and as he said this my heart squeezed in anguish. In not trusting him, I lost all of the trust he'd put in me.

Averting my gaze, I refused to look at any of them. I knew for sure then, I'd really fucked up this time around. I didn't have anything to say to that, either. Partly because I couldn't think of anything good enough and partly because I knew that it more than likely wouldn't matter to him.

With a sigh after several moments of my silence, he stood and began making his way toward the bus. I stared emotionlessly back at the guys, my eyes glazed over slightly. I knew Matt wanted me to follow him, but this was the part I was dreading the most. The part where we talked... alone.

This time around, there wouldn't be any lines that weren't allowed to be crossed. I knew Matt was more than likely going to lay it all out on the table for me. And if I didn't respond like just then, he would let it would all stew inside of me because I was going to be forced to think about all the things I'd refused to over the past few months, and then I would have a meltdown. Was that really what he wanted?

He was sitting on the edge of his bunk, staring at mine straight across from his. Just like he'd been expecting, I got into mine, but I laid down and smashed my face into a pillow. I just wanted this night to be over. "Payton," Matt's voice was sharp, much more accusing than it had been when we'd been with the guys. "I didn't bring you back here so you could sleep. Now sit up and look at me."

After a few minutes, I managed to build up enough courage and sat up, staring directly at him but not really concentrating, partly zoning out. But his words still managed to pierce me with the same effect as they normally would. "What were you thinking?" He asked, taking a deep breath. I took that as a sign that he was going to continue.

"Why do you feel like you can't tell me anything?" My ears pricked as he said this, and then I really looked at him. I could have sworn he had tears in the corners of his eyes. "I always try to talk to you because I love you, not because I'm some overbearing control freak. I know how much these talks can benefit you if you participate. I know how much they help you sort your thoughts out."

"I'm sorry—"

"No, no Payton. I'm not finished yet. You're hurting yourself by keeping all of this in, Patey. Please. Just talk to me."

I felt every ounce of his pain as he said this, and I hoped he could do the same with me. I hoped he understood... I hoped he understood why exactly I couldn't.

_Spill. _Just spill everything. Every single little thing I'd kept from him, _ever,_ just tell him. I was hurting him and myself. The things that I wouldn't even let _myself_ think about. Would it all be easier, then? Or would it make everything that much more complicated?

_No..._ I really did. I wanted to talk until my voice gave out.

Instead, it felt as if I could barely breathe, like my lungs were collapsing, shrivelling up at the thought about every unmentioned thing. "I'm sorry," I repeated, not being able to even think straight. "I don't know what—I don't know what to say. I'm sorry." That seemed to be all I could say, but at least I meant it.

Although I knew it was silly, I wished I could talk freely about every single one of my thoughts and feelings; for it to be just as easy as it seemed to be for others. Evan had been helping me do that, he'd been slowly cracking my shell and learning small things about me, which was more than Matt managed to do these past few months. Now I didn't know what I'd do without him.

Seeing that although his speech had affecting me, I was ready to really open up, he let out a sigh that was heavy with emotion. It was obvious he'd been vainly hoping that I would talk to him, and he was thinking then that he should have known better. I hated how I made him think that. I just continued to let him down.

Over and over again.

"My decision still remains the same. You're not allowed to see that band anymore." He stood, and walked away without another word.

Only when he was long gone did I finally let my tears fall. I cried silently, not wanting the guys to come back and have more questions sprung on me, for quite a while. I cried for everything, for the things I wanted so desperately to tell him and the things that I felt like I could never tell him.

My phone, still on the edge of my bed, startled me when it vibrated, letting me know that I had a new text message. Hesitantly, I looked at it. It was from Dannii.

**Since you so rudely hung up on me, I'll send you a text. Don't tell Matt all the things you've been keeping from him, tell him why it feels like you can't. See what happens.**

Closing my eyes, I held them tightly together after I read hear text at least five times. Why hadn't I thought of doing this, of _saying_ this when I actually had a chance, when Matt was right there with me? He'd even asked me _why_ himself, and I'd pretty much ignored his questions.

Too late. I was always too late.

3


	21. Chapter Twenty

An entire week passed. Every single day passed by, each one blurring into one another just as they had a year ago when Matt and I were in out _last_ big fight. Although I absolutely hated myself for it, I followed Matt's stupid rule the entire time and stayed away from the boys. If I was hurting Matt as much as I thought I was by not opening up to him, then maybe doing this one thing for him would hopefully help him regain some of his confidence in me.

That, of course, was a hard thing to accomplish. They boys practically followed our bus to the shows, so avoiding them was not easy... at all. I either did not go to the shows at all, making excuses to the guys like I had to catch up on my homework, when in reality I was two weeks _ahead._ They knew the real reason why, though, but thankfully Matt didn't force me to go as I thought he would have.

The other, slightly more dangerous one, I joined the crowd when Avenged was playing. That had only happened once at the past five shows, but only a few people had recognized me; however they'd been nice about it. I was lucky no one made too much of a fuss about it, though, because the guys were not aware of my being down there. They would probably lock me in the bus for the rest of the tour if they found out.

It seemed, though, that nothing could please Matt. I was doing what he asked, but I could tell he hated how withdrawn I was being around him again. I felt better in one sense, regardless of how he felt, because even though he'd found out about just _one_ of the things I'd been keeping from him, a small weight had been lifted off of my shoulders since then.

Too bad it was replaced with an even heavier one... but imagine what it would feel like if I let everything out...

Again, I was in my bunk. I couldn't remember the last time I had a normal conversation with Matt or the guys, as I stayed in my bunk pretty much all day and night. They knew to give me some space, but I was guessing Jimmy thought different today because he literally pranced to the back of the bunks where I was. I stared at him, smiling slightly but tears still stung my eyes, as he babbled on about how I should go to their show that night.

Finally, he stopped short when he finally noticed me, tears blurring my vision. I knew I must have looked like I shit to him. Through the past week, he had been the only one who was acting even _remotely_ normal around me, as if things had been as they always were. Then, though, when he saw me pretty much in pieces of myself, he could no longer ignore it.

After taking just one more look at me, he scooped up into his arms and laid back down on my bunk, situating me so I was in his arms and his long, lanky legs stretched out over the edge of my bunk and into the tiny 'hallway'.

"Jesus, Mini," He said, as I buried my head into his chest. "I fucking hate seeing you cry." At that, I quieted down and sighed into his shirt. I'd grown so used to Jimmy that I didn't even mind crying on him, and I wasn't like that with _anyone_ else.

"I don't know anymore, Uncle Jimmy," I sniffed, letting out a shaky sigh. "It just—it feels like I'm stuck." I hadn't had a moment like this with Jimmy in a while, and I forgot how much just spending time with him helped me feel better, especially when he knew something was up.

But what I was saying was true. I couldn't talk to Matt, and I wasn't allowed to hang out with the boys or Evan, who had been helping me more than I could have ever thought possible. I really _was_ stuck.

Staring down at me with his ever-knowing, big blue eyes, Jimmy refused to break eye contact with me. "You're not; you're just making yourself think you are. Patey, I know you can't talk to Matt, but it's only because you won't let yourself. And that's okay," He paused, and I smiled then. He always knew exactly what to say to help me feel better. _It was okay._ "So you can't _talk_ to him... out loud. Lots of people have trouble with that. Maybe you could talk to him through some other form of communication?"

Out in the main part of the bus, the guys were unaware of the moment Jimmy and I were having, and how much it was potentially helping me. "Yo, c'mon Jimmy! We're late for sound check!" Syn shouted, but it looked as if Jimmy were practically ignoring him as he stared down at me, waiting for me to answer.

As much as I may have wanted to, I didn't completely understand what Jimmy was trying to say. It sounded like such an amazing idea... something that could help me and make everything better. Nonetheless, Jimmy gave me a hopefully smile. "Just think about it Mini. Let me know if you wanna talk again. I'm all ears." He said, finally letting out his usual laugh and making the situation a little more light-hearted.

He gave me one last hug, squeezing me until I thought my rigs were going to break, before he got up and left, hollering at the guys to shut the fuck up. Then, just a few seconds later, Matt came back to check on me. Unlike Jimmy, I hated him seeing me cry. I refused to let him show how much I'd not only felt bad for hurting him, but I was also hurting myself. I wiped my eyes, but with how much I'd been crying, it was pretty obvious that there was still at least a little evidence of it left.

Frowning, he stared down at me through his aviators. I couldn't see what his eyes were holding. "I don't think you should stay here by yourself tonight," He said, almost as if hinting toward something. _What, was he afraid I was going to do something 'stupid'?_

That just showed how much he didn't understand, how much he didn't know me anymore. I sent a glare up at him, not caring what emotions he may have been trying to portray through his eyes. "I'll be fine, Matt. Just go to the fucking show already." I snapped.

"I don't like that attitude, Payton," He said, his jaw clenched. I rolled my eyes. "I'm just looking out for you."

"Yeah, well I'm not a child Matt. I don't need to be constantly looked after." I said, fed up with _everything_, and I got up from my bunk, making a bee-line around him and heading out to the main part of the bus.

In a matter of seconds he was following me, just as I was hoping he _wouldn't._ "Yo, where the fuck are you going?" He demanded, cutting in front of me to block me from the bus door. I refused to look up at him.

I was doing exactly what Jimmy had told me to do, I was going to _think. _And I couldn't do that even if Matt _wasn't_ on the bus with me. I needed to go to a place that was neutral territory, where there were no bad memories attached to it. Also, I refused to give into another one of Matt's orders. It felt like I was my old self again by not listening to him.

The next thing he did was completely unexpected. He took his sunglasses off, looked at me with glassy eyes, and brought me into a hug. I wondered if he was aware of the guys watching us just a few feet away. "I love you kid, be careful out there. Try to avoid the fans."

"I love you too," I said after I pulled away and turned around from him, my voice cracking. At least that was still true, I owed him that much. "And I'm going for a walk." I added since I hadn't told him, but then I realized he already knew what I was up to when he told me to be careful.

A7X were about to do sound check and it was only about one in the afternoon, so there weren't many fans around at all. To me, it was the perfect opportunity to go for a walk. That didn't stop my teeth from chattering when I stepped out into the cold, mid-winter Kansas air, though.

Unfortunately, I didn't get very far. It was much too cold to walk for anymore than a few minutes, and I ended up resting against a wall, trying to catch my breath as it seemed to freeze in my lungs. I felt exhausted as I closed my eyes, enjoying the quiet, but not in the physical sense. I just wished I could sort out just _one_ of my stupid fucking thoughts, but it seemed as if I could barely even breathe correctly anymore.

For the life of me, I couldn't' figure out what Jimmy meant. Why did he always have to be so damn vague? Sure, that was what made Jimmy, Jimmy, and everyone loved him for it because sometime he could surprise you and be blunt about it. But then was not a good time for someone to be mysterious with me. I needed to know cold, hard facts, and someone to be straight to the point with me.

I couldn't help wondering, what would mom say if she saw me like this, closing myself off from almost everyone? Would she be disappointed, or would she understand me as she always had? Sure, if it were two years ago she would have understood me perfectly, but my circumstances had changed. Not only did I think she wouldn't get me, but it just wasn't possible anymore. Mom was gone. There was no use wondering how she could help me anymore.

Consequently, that brought even more tears to my eyes just thinking about her. I let out several shaky breaths, wondering why I did this to myself at the worst of times. My mother was not the one I should have been thinking about. I should have been worrying about the present, and I what I was going to do to help patch things up with Matt.

One thing was on my mind as I stood up, I wanted to go back to the bus and distract myself; maybe do some more schoolwork or even go to sleep, and wait until the guys got back. I was planning on making one more attempt at talking to Matt, and if that didn't work out I would try and decipher Jimmy's words of wisdom even further. But one thing was for sure, I couldn't continue like this. I had to at least _try_ to fix things.

Of course, nothing could go just as I planned, and there had to be obstacles. This was just the cherry on top of the cake. Someone seemed to appear in front of me out of nowhere and walk intimidating close to me, while I back up until I was against the wall again. _No, not this again._ I couldn't deal with getting beaten up or actually beating _someone else_ up. This person, though, was definitely _not_ who I had been expecting. _Oliver_ stood there, looking much more intimidating than usual as he glared down at me. I was sure then, I had no idea what this was about.

Mouth agape, I stared up at him with a look of shock. What the hell happened to the quiet wallflower I thought I knew him as. He looked like a ball of fucking rage, waiting to be unleashed onto one poor, unfortunate person. And today, it looked like it was going to be me. "What the _fuck_ is going on with you?" He yelled, his harsh tone breaking the quiet, peaceful air of the pretty much vacated venue.

"I—I don't know—what you're talking about," I stuttered, looking down at the _very_ small gap that was between us.

"Bullshit," He spat, seeming to get more upset by my answer and he placed a hand next to each side of my head on the wall, encasing me in his grasp. When I didn't say anything, he punched the wall beside me, making me gasp and close my eyes. I never, ever wanted to be on Oliver's bad side again after witnessing this... if I even got out of it.

"Evan is my best fucking friend, Payton," He said, his voice not lowering even a notch. "And he _cares_ for you, do you understand what that means? That is very hard for him to do. And when the chick he fucking lets his heart go to leaves him, I get fucking pissed!"

With my eyes still closed, I refused to let myself even breathe. "I'm sorry." I said in a breathy whisper, but it didn't look like he had even heard me.

"He's lost people that he loves, and he's going to lose even more. So when he finally takes a chance and let's himself _care_ for someone, how do you think he's going to feel when that person _leaves_ him?" His voice was gradually getting quieter, but it was still laced with rage. I knew _anything_ could set him off.

Never had I expected Oliver to come out of his shell in such an off-the-wall way, and frankly I liked him better when he was _in_ his shell. Each of his words, one at a time, took their own painful stab at my heart. It looked like Evan needed me just as much as I needed him.

He went straight into speaking again, not missing a beat with his hands still on either side of my head. "_Every single person_ in our band lives with Evan, did you know that? No, of course you didn't because you ran out on him before you could even give him a chance to tell you. If it weren't for him, this band wouldn't even be possible."

Finally, he released his hold on the wall and backed away, observing me with judgmental eyes for the very first time. "Despite anything you've heard, Evan is a good fucking person."

Just as quickly as he showed up, he turned around and walked away, soon disappearing around a corner. He left me, breathing heavily as I took in the after-shocks of his words. I leaned against the wall for support, no longer trusting my legs. I thought I was mentally exhausted before, it felt like I was about to collapse then. I was even more stuck than before.

It looked like my sudden departure had messed things up with Evan pretty badly; at least that was what Oliver had told me. Even if I fixed things up with Matt, what good would that do for my relationship with Evan? I was torn and completely confused.

I had no idea what to do, or what even what I _could_ do.


	22. Chapter Twenty One

Building up the courage to do something I really didn't _want_ to do has never been the easiest thing for me. I knew this time though, with all my heart, that it was absolutely necessary. Although I hadn't talked to Matt at all yet, I had somewhat of an idea what I had to do. And first, I had to fix _other_ things; things that I wasn't sure I could really follow through on in the end. It was going to be hard, but I _wanted_ to fix everything. Facing Evan was probably going to be even harder than talking to Matt.

In the end though, I knew that if I fixed all my other problems, it would make sharing things with Matt a little more easier, and that was exactly what I needed in order to be able to do this. The motivation.

First, I wanted to approach _them,_ as in, Wretched Remorse as a whole. If I didn't, or one of them caught me by surprise like the last time, I'd be more tongue-tied than ever. I didn't think that would be very good for my plan.

"Hey," I said, smiling at Matt and the rest of the guys. It was the first time I'd been out of my bunk in a while. They were surprised by that small feat, and I knew they would be astounded in a moment by what I was about to say. "I think I'm going to go to the show tonight."

_Yes, finally._ It felt good to know I was getting somewhere with this, and I was actually following through with everything I had told myself I was going to do. Once again, I felt like my old self.

Jimmy gasped, and was up from his seat in a split second. "Really?" He asked excitedly, to which I merely nodded, the small smile still playing on my lips. "Really _really?"_ Laughing, I nodded again, and he scooped me up into a huge hug as if that last nod gave him confirmation.

This hug wasn't like his normal, goofy ones. I could tell he was trying to convey a lot through this, and I felt all of it. He was proud of me, which only made my smile widen as I hugged him with more force. _Proud_ of me was something he hadn't been in a long while...

On the way out, though, Matt's smile stayed but it tightened just a little, making me stop short on the stairs of the bus. "Don't get me wrong Patey, I'm fuckin' ecstatic that you're joining us, but don't forget to stay away from those boys okay?"

To keep up my usual indifferent attitude was a little hard for me this time, but I managed to roll my eyes. "I—well, no, whatever Matt." I murmured, refusing to give him a straight answer.

"Payton," His tone was a little sharper this time around, and he was sure he made as much eye contact with me as possible. He finally sighed when my eyes flickered to his for just a second. "Look at me and say that again, please."

Swallowing hard, I forced myself to look up at him, but only for just as long as I'd managed to just then, and let out a sigh before I bolted out of the bus to catch up with the rest of the guys. I _couldn't _say I was going to stay away from the boys, because that was a _lie._

Part of this little 'plan' was _no more_ lying to Matt. Until it was fully saw through, not giving him a straight answer would have to be good enough. I would apologize for _everything_ later, including about what just happened.

Once I was caught up with everyone, and Matt was still significantly a while behind us, Brian grinned as he slung an around my shoulders. "I'm proud of you Peanut. Facing your fears is the only way you can fix things." Johnny, Jimmy, and Zacky all nodded in agreement, they too were smiling. But both his words and his actions surprised the heck out of me, Brian and I had gotten along well, but we'd never had any heart-to-heart moments such as this in a long, long time.

He knew me a lot better than I thought he did, the same went for the rest of the guys as it turned out. I wasn't expecting them to be so _positive_ about me going to the show where there was going to be a bunch of kids that they practically hated around me. I guess they just wanted everything to be fixed, after all. It _was_ causing quite a bit of tension on the bus.

I marched straight into the venue with one, sole purpose. If I could just explain... everything, maybe Evan would understand. He _had_ understood everything else I'd told him, so why wouldn't he about this? And maybe—maybe he would wait for me until I sorted things out with Matt. Because that was what I really needed, I had to work on my relationship with my _family_,with Matt first and have it solidified before I could think about boys. I hated basing my life around a 'maybe', but for right then it was the best bet I had. _This had to work._

For an hour or so before Avenged went on, I explored all the places I hadn't gotten to at past shows, but it was mostly just going through the hallways and maybe opening the doors that weren't locked. If I was going to do this right, I had to wait until I was _sure_ there wouldn't be anything to interrupt the talk I was going to have with Evan.

When I heard the always recognizable pounding of Jimmy's drums, though, I ventured back into the main part of backstage. I was in the clear and officially able to put my plan into action. Even through the thick crowd it was easy to spot them, as they had been practically my best friends for the majority of the tour. It was just as easy for them to spot me, too, as they stopped what they were doing as soon as I entered the large room.

Evan's jaw noticeably clenched just at the sight of me, and it only took a few moments for the rest of the boys to leave. I stood my ground when he began stalking over to me, a harsh glare set upon his normally cute features. He stood unbearably close to be, the glare never leaving his face, but I kept my own indifferent yet again. Although I did not like how close he was standing to me, I remained quiet for just a while longer.

I wasn't really expecting it to turn out like this, but I had to work what I was given. Evan didn't even give me a chance to speak, his finger pointed directly in my face. I _hated_ that, but still I refused to let my anger get the best of me, because I saw what Evan's was doing to him.

"What the fuck is your problem?" He demanded and I flinched slightly, not expecting him to yell so loudly.

His words shocked me, and I quickly blurted out my answer. This was _not_ how I had planned this out at all, anger was only supposed to take up a small portion of the conversation, and actual talking was supposed to take up the rest. "Matt flipped,"

He laughed bitterly at that, making me quickly stop in mid-sentence. "So you're a daddy's girl. Didn't exactly peg you for that, but I bet you're spoiled fucking rotten anyway."

"No, _no!"_ I suddenly piped up, finally finding my voice as I was sick of the way he was going on about this. Yelling wasn't going to get us anywhere, but I found myself doing it anyway. His choice of words hurt me much more than they normally would, as they were coming from him. I was anything _but_ spoiled.

My stare quickly turned to match his angry one, then. "Just shut the fuck up right now. You don't know—a—fucking—thing—about me or my goddamned family!" As I said this, I harshly pushed his chest several times until _he_ was the one backing away from me. "My family has been _nothing_ but supportive of me, and you have _no_ fucking right to bring them up!"

At this, Evan reeled back slightly. He obviously hadn't witnessed the _real_ Payton, as she hadn't made an appearance in months, and I could tell he had definitely been in for a shock.

Both his tone and his stare significantly softened, and he crossed his arms even though I was still standing close to him. It looked odd really, that someone of my stature was able to intimidating such a tall, scary looking guy. "Well, I want to know you." He reasoned softly, his gaze still intense but in a different way this time around.

His sudden change in mood shocked me, making me take a step back and I looked up at him with faint curiosity. A sudden urge to reply honestly came over me. "Yeah, well I'd like to know myself, too." I said, looking away. "But I _do_ know that I am not a daddy's girl."

"How about this, then," He began, finally wearing his usual smirk. "Prove it. Come for a walk with me. It's easier to talk outside."

Then, I knew why he was acting so cocky. He was conning me into going out with him. If I didn't, though, I knew it would ruin whatever chances I had left with him. And besides, my plan was _sort of_ still on the right track. Plus, I _had_ to prove that I wasn't as much of a 'daddy's girl' as Evan thought I was. _Yes,_ that was why I was doing this...

Finally, after quite a bit of hesitation, I nodded and grinned up at him. I was still slightly shocked by how quickly our moods had changed. On the way out, several people gave us questioning glances, no doubt having witnessed the previous scene.

I didn't even _know_ which state we were in that night, but one thing I did know, the night air was as frigid and freezing as hell, and Evan didn't even have a coat on while I wore a thin hoodie. Nonetheless, we walked side by side in silence, quickly exiting the venue.

My phone vibrated in my pocket and I frowned, knowing it couldn't be Matt because he was still performing. I sighed in relief when I saw it was just a text from Noah, but then laughed at what it said.

**You assholes better not be fucking in a dumpster!**

At the interruption, however silent it had been anyway, Evan grunted in annoyance and took my phone, quickly turning it off before passing it back to me. "He won't shut the fuck up, trust me." I didn't protest, feeling we had just a little more privacy with my phone off, and we needed as much of that as we could get.

Before I knew it, even though we had been walking for at the very least fifteen minutes, Evan was making a sharp turn into a deserted playground. I quickly followed, nervousness beginning to well up in the pit of my stomach. This was really happening. I was following through on everything I had set out to do, albeit a little rocky. We both sat a bench, one lone street light shining down over us, it being the only one in the entire playground.

Sweetly, he gave me a small smile and a wink, as if waiting for me to spill my guts about the past week. My palms began getting sweaty, and I let out a sigh. I couldn't allow myself to second guess anything I planned on telling him. "Things... things have been hard. My mom, she died last Christmas and well... things have happened since then," I said, swallowing hard as I abruptly stood up. I needed to feel as if I were by myself as I said all of this out loud for the first time in months, so sitting on a rusting swing several feet away from Evan was the next best thing for me.

Evan only stayed on the bench for a few seconds longer, before he joined me on the swing set. I self-consciously swiped at my eyes, making sure there were no tears on my cheeks. Still silent, he reached over the gap between us and took my hand, lacing our fingers together. I smiled at the gesture, wanting to move closer to him but not able to on a swing without looking like I was mentally challenged.

Across from me, he looked straight into my eyes, and I saw that he too was fighting back tears. "My dad... my dad is dying." He said, having to clear his throat several times just to even get that out. "He has cancer." My heart sunk as he said this, though. My tears finally spilled over as I realized just how much it was taking him to tell me this.

We both sat in silence as we took each other in, our hands still clasped tightly together. I felt even more of a connection with him then. He has experienced the hurt I've been through, and was going to have to go through even more. I couldn't even begin to imagine how hard it would be to _watch_ a parent die.

"He—he owns a shitload of restaurants, and he wants me to take them over when he goes... but I can't... I just can't, Payton!" He was full on crying then, but I knew better than to try and hug him, settling for giving his hand a tight, reassuring squeeze.

God only knew how long we both stayed there, silent. There was no more tension in the air, it was completely comfortable and I would have given anything to stay with him for just a few more minutes, regardless of how cold it was. With my free hand, I turned my phone back on to check the time, and my eyes widened at the sight of it.

It was just after midnight, and I had _several_ missed calls.

"Holy _shit."_ I said loudly, breaking the silence as I stood up. Evan got up with me, refusing to let go of my hand. "We're—we're late."

2


	23. Chapter Twenty Two

Our race back to the buses was spent in dreadful silence; anticipating what was going to happen once we got there. Evan had refused to let go of my hand the entire way there, but it wasn't as if I was complaining. I only briefly explain how much of a conniption Matt was potentially going to have, but that seemed to be enough for him to know that we were in a hurry.

I paled at the sight of the buses after we flashed our passes to the security when we entered the parking lot; every single light on our bus was on. It was clear they were waiting, impatiently and in worry, for me.

"Payton—are you okay?" Evan asked, abruptly stopping him and pulling slightly on my hand. "You're white as a sheet." The severity of the situation was only beginning to sink into him, and he pulled me a little closer as his eyes flickered from the bus to me.

Sheepishly, I nodded and locked eyes with him. "Alright, let me rephrase that. Are you _going_ to be okay?" He asked, looking down at me with an intense, worried glint in his eye.

"I don't know." I answered truthfully, shoving my hands into my pockets when he placed a hand on each of my shoulders.

He gave me a sharp look, tilting my chin up a little higher. "Is he going to hurt you?" He demanded, and I looked at him shocked for a moment, before I vehemently shook my head. He let out a sigh of relief, then looked at me with a new kind of seriousness.

We gave each other a fleeting smile, temporarily forgetting about our problems as we stared into each other's eyes. A moment such as this had been what I was waiting for with Evan. Things were far from perfect; we were both well aware of that, but moments alone with each other when we were on good terms were always few and far between.

Giving him one last smile, I stood on my tippy toes with my heart beating a mile a minute. With a small smirk and his hands still on my shoulders, he bent down the rest of the way until our lips were nearly touching. I had been waiting so long for this, my first kiss, ever since I'd laid my eyes on Evan. It never seemed that important to me before, but that was mainly because I didn't like any boys back then.

But this... this was perfect. Evan was exactly the person I wanted to share this with. It was just a simple, soft kiss. Evan's hands did not move from my shoulders, therefore not making me uncomfortable in any way. Just moments later, we broke away, this time grinning at each other. We knew just from the look on both of our faces that we had just felt _something_ in that kiss. I was willing then to do anything to keep our budding relationship alive.

"Payton fucking Sanders!"

I shivered at the familiar, unbelievably angry tone of Matt's voice, and hesitantly turned in the direction of his voice. I was shocked once again to find him standing only a few feet away from us, looking livid and ready to destroy anything that was in his path.

Instantly, Evan's hands dropped from my shoulders but he didn't move any further away from me. I could tell he was fighting with himself, wondering if he should try and protect me from Matt. Obviously, I wasn't having any of that because it would only end up in Evan getting hurt, so I gave him one last smile before I took a few timid steps toward Matt.

Going near a ticking time bomb such as Matt wasn't exactly a good idea, but it was the only one I could think of at that moment. As soon as I was into his reach, Matt grabbed my hand and wrenched me to his side, holding me there protectively. I wanted to roll my eyes so badly, he was acting as if Evan had kidnapped me and he had just been bargaining for my life.

Now that I was safely within his grasp, he instantly began yelling, but not at me. "I swear to motherfucking God kid, I've had enough of your shit. So if you know what's best for you _and_ your band, from now on you better _stay the fuck away_ from Payton!"

Yet again, I was beyond shocked at my father's words. I quickly pushed myself away from him, going from stunned to outraged in a split second, sending Matt a murderous glare. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I demanded, ready to deck him. Had he really sunk so low to _threaten_ Evan? Matt ignored me, not tearing his harsh gaze away from Evan even for a split second.

Barely batting an eyelash, Evan took the same route as Matt was and completely ignored him, giving me another look. "Are you sure you're gonna be okay?"

"Yeah," I said softly, knowing that he only meant physically because it was obvious I was going to go through quite a bit of emotional turmoil tonight.

"Alright, fuck this!" Matt huffed, seeing that he hadn't made any progress in scaring Evan away. He turned around and pushed me toward the bus, his hands gripping my shoulders tightly as if he were worried I was going to make a run for it. After what had happened with Syn at the part last year, I knew right off the bat not to try that again. I looked behind myself to try and get one last glimpse of Evan, but all I could see was Matt large, foreboding figure.

By the time we got into the bus, I was seething. I couldn't believe Matt would pull such a thing, that he had been so goddamn desperate. This had just fucked my plans of fixing everything up _so_ much. I fought to get myself out of Matt's clutches, and once I did I turned and saw every single member of A7X staring at me with their arms crossed.

"Jesus, Mini, you are in so much trouble!" Jimmy yelled, his tone as crazy as ever but this time there was an air of seriousness to it. The rest of the guys, not including Matt, muttered some form of agreement.

I was thinking Matt was too angry to even speak, but I was quickly proven wrong when he was yelling once more, this time at me. "What the fuck were you thinking?"

He wanted a screaming match... well, he was sure as hell about to get one. I was sick of these shenanigans, and my old self was itching to show herself once again. "_Me?_ What the fuck were _you_ thinking, asshole? Just because you're some high and fucking mighty rock star doesn't mean you can threaten Evan like that!"

My shouting definitely shocked Matt and everyone else, and for a moment he was silent. "I did what I thought was right in order to protect you—"

"Oh, cut the bullshit! I don't know if this is your fucked up way of trying to make up for all the years you missed, but it's not fucking working! I don't know what I would have done without Evan these past few weeks, I don't know how I would have dealt with even _half_ the shit you've given me!"

Verbally lashing out at Matt was yet another of my bad ideas for that night, but I felt I _had_ to say all of this or my head would explode. I couldn't keep up with all of this anymore. I had to release all of the pent-up stress somehow. My harsh, unforgiving words had taken the guys back, all of them stunned into silence.

Although he looked angrier than ever, I could tell by the look in his eyes that Matt was truly hurt by what I had said and I couldn't face him anymore. I began walking back to the bunks, wanting to cool off before I said anything else I would regret later. Finally, Matt seemed to come to his senses then, assessing the situation for what it really was. "Hey, not this time Payton! Don't you fucking dare walk away from me again, come back and actually face your problems for once!"

That made me halt, his words biting into me more than ever. _Again_ and _for once_ had their intended affect on me, and I really didn't know what I'd been expecting going into this with Matt. He obviously wasn't going to just stand there and let me talk shit about him, he was _going_ to say some back to me. But the problem was, this stuff was _true._

"That was what I was _trying_ to do tonight before you completely flipped, Matt." I mumbled, my voice much quieter this time as it wavered slightly. I was done with the 'conversation' at that point, and I didn't stay back to see how he would retaliate, heading straight for my bunk once again.

I was only curled up into my bunk for a few seconds before my privacy curtain was harshly ripped open, and I didn't have to look to know that Matt was peering in at me. This time though, his voice was eerily clam but I could tell he wasn't nearly done being pissed off. "After all of the shit we went through last year and almost getting yourself _killed_, I would have thought you learned your lesson." I ignored him, his words cutting me deep _again._ I hated thinking back to those events.

By being with Evan, I knew what I was getting myself into and I was sure Matt did too, but I didn't even think that was half of what he was so upset over. Why was he bringing up things that hurt me so goddamned much? I knew he was picking at a much bigger problem than just a boy he didn't want me to be with, but I just wished he would trust my judgment for once. Everything would have worked out if he had.

Not getting any response from me, he let out an irritated sigh and finally left me alone for a while.

_Maybe because I had lied to him countless times before. And he didn't know what to believe anymore._

Hey kiddies =) I'm back. That whole 'reporting' thing, it was way too sketchy as I had predicted. But now that one of my readers has finally cleared the air, I feel it's time to start posting here again! To the little jerk who's trying to play shit on me, I dunno what you were trying to accomplish but it just makes you out to be a huge douchebag. So it's all good.

Anyway, review please? :D

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	24. Chapter Twenty Three

Through the night all the guys, save for Matt, checked in on me. It was a little comical, they made sure they evenly spaced out their 'visits' to every hour or so. By the time Brian finally made his rounds, it was very late. How he knew I wasn't asleep, I didn't know. It was the first time in a while that I'd stayed up past three AM, and I was already feeling exhausted both from the day's events and from the lack of sleep.

As soon as he pulled the curtain to my bunk back, I put my guard up. I distinctly remembered the way he had treated me the _last_ time Matt and I had gotten into such a serious brawl as this, and I knew that he would take his best friend's side over mine just as he had the last time.

For a few moments, we simply observed each other. I had no plans whatsoever of talking to him, because I knew he was just going to go back to Matt and repeat everything I said. At that thought, I was even beginning to get a little paranoid. _What__if__Matt__sent__him__back__to__talk__to__me?_

No. Although I wouldn't put it past him, I doubted Matt was that concerned over me at that moment, and I was willing to bet that he was just worried about calming _himself_ down, let alone me.

"No one sent me here to talk to you." He stated, his features only holding sympathy, which shocked me a little. To top it all off, I was wondering exactly how well he knew me, or if I was _that_ predictable.

I didn't move from my place, half lying down in my bunk with my shoulders propped up on a couple of pillows against the wall. Only when he motioned for me to move over did I look up at him, scrutinizing his face while I tried to detect any lies he may have been trying to tell me. "Why?" I asked, my voice still slightly hoarse from my bout of screaming earlier.

He tried to decipher the meaning behind that simple word I'd spoken to him, and I wanted to roll my eyes. _I__just__wanted__to__know__why__he__even__wanted__to__talk__to__me._ After all, he had _never_ done anything like this before. "Because..." He trailed off, and then let out a long sigh. "Just move over. We need to talk."

Finally, I scoot over and took my pilled with me, scrunching them up and resting them between my knees as I pulled them up to my chest. _Let__me__guess,_ I thought as he crawled into my bunk and sat beside me, _he__'__s__going__to__tell__me__to__smarten__up__and__listen__to__my__father__like__he__did__last__year._ Suddenly, he laughed quietly, more than likely at the look on my face. "I know... I don't do this often."

I managed to crack a small smile, just so he would come off my case and get on with it. Slowly, I was coming to terms with what was happening. Syn was right, he didn't do this often... or at all, and whatever he had to say must have been pretty damn important or else he wouldn't have said anything at all.

Another few moments passed by painfully slowly, and I gripped my pillows a little tighter. I just wanted this night to be over with. This was so new for me, I didn't know what to think. Not even last year with all of the Tyler drama did he talk to me alone like this, he had just dragged me home and yelled at me.

"Listen, Peanut, you should know that what Matt said, he didn't mean any of it. And _you_know that _you_ didn't mean any of what you said to him, either. Okay," He put his hands up defensively when I gave him a quizzical look. "Maybe you both meant some of it, but you know you shouldn't have said _any_ of it... at that exact moment."

Letting out a sigh, I ran a hand down my face and curled farther into my pillows. What Brian was saying was right, but I refused to admit that out loud. I _did_ however regret what I said to Matt but I just couldn't help it. I had been overtaken with emotions when I was yelling at him, and I wish I could have just cooled off before I said all of that to him. "I—I know, Brian. I just—I couldn't help it."

Seemingly shocked that I'd actually replied to him, he gave me another sad smile. "I know Payton. But when you're there, ready to chew into him, you just gotta _calm__down_ and realize that saying certain things _isn__'__t_ going to make the situation any better."

"Jesus," I muttered, finally locking my eyes with his. "When did you start making sense?" If I'd have known that he would be so _rational_, I would have talked to him a lot sooner.

He let out another chuckle, messing with the spikes of his hair while wearing a smirk on his face. "You just gotta talk to him normally. I bet he's cooled off, so now's your chance."

However, at the mentioning of _talking_ to Matt, anytime soon at least, I quickly grew panicked. It was too soon. I hadn't even _begun_ to think of what I was going to say to him, if anything at all. Who was to say that I even _wanted_ to give him another chance? He'd pulled a pretty shitty stunt with Evan earlier tonight, and I wasn't sure I was ready to forgive him.

Slowly, he removed the pillows from my lap and scooted closer to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. I _definitely_ wasn't used to this Brian. "I don't know why you're so afraid of talking to him. You're pretty much his life now Patey, and you've been through a lot together. I'm pretty sure you could tell him _anything_ and he wouldn't be shocked in the slightest."

I was thankful how lightly he was going about this, when I was clearly on the verge of _another_ breakdown right in front of him. If I were in his position, I'd have been scared shitless. Leaning my head against his shoulder, I waited for him to break the silence again. "Everyone on this bus loves you, whether you wanna believe it or not kid. We just want you to be happy—"

My bunk's curtain was pulled back, somewhat abruptly, and I was shitting my pants when I saw Matt there, and I looked at Brian for help. I _couldn__'__t_ face him yet. Not even blinking, Brian smiled at his best friend and climbed out of my bunk, patting Matt's shoulder and muttering "good luck" as he left.

It had been cramped when Syn joined me in my bunks, but I could barely breathe when Matt climbed in, uninvited. I was practically shaking in apprehension. I definitely was not expecting him to confront me about everything so soon, at least, that was what I thought he was doing. And he didn't looked half as angry as he had before, so I took that as a good sign even though I had no plans of talking to him at that moment.

Wringing his hands, for a split second Matt looked desperate and exhausted before he closed his eyes and sighed. "I was gonna wait until morning when everyone goes for breakfast at the next stop, and you know, sleep on it. But I realized that if I didn't get this over with tonight, I wouldn't even be getting any sleep tonight at all."

I swallowed hard and licked my lips, not liking where this was going. I knew there was a lot, but what heavy stuff could he want to talk about at four AM? Even though I hadn't even acknowledged him yet, I was listening... and almost willing to try and fix things between us.

"When was the last time..." He stopped himself, and I could tell he was contemplating bringing up whatever he wanted to talk about. "When was the last time you called me dad?"

Obviously, his question caught me off guard and I couldn't just ignore it, instead I mumbled out an answer, picking at a loose thread on my bed sheet in unease. "A while ago..." I had no idea Matt thought about those sorts of things, that he worried over something as simple as me calling him 'dad', and I immediately felt remorse for not doing so over the past month or so.

"You're going home."

My eyes snapped to his when he said that, and I found myself wanting to spring up and out of my bunk as quickly as possible just to get away from this situation. "Matt—dad, no. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I can't talk to you like a normal fucking person. But don't send me home just because of that." I pleaded, almost completely broken down. I was desperate then to fix this.

The thought of leaving all of my uncles on tour whittled me down until I had the attitude of a three year old that had just dropped her ice cream. I didn't know what I would do if I didn't get to say goodbye to Evan or the rest of the boys of Wretched Remorse, either.

"I wasn't finished," He said after he put a hand up, silencing me. "You can't be sneaking around with random boys I haven't even had a conversation with yet. You're fifteen Payton, you have no idea what kind of trouble there is out there."

Just hearing the anguish in his voice, I almost cracked and spilled everything I'd been holding in over these past few months, all the suppressed emotions and the things I had been dying to talk about. Everything I had refused to even _think_ about.

Instead I began crying, tears silently rolling down my cheeks. I didn't even try to hide my face as I usually would, this was what I had broken myself down to and I had to cry all of this out. If I couldn't talk, all I could do was cry. Matt held his arms out for me, but I instantly shied away from him. I wasn't ready to hug him yet, not after what had only just happened.

When I thought he was actually _serious_ about sending me back to Huntington Beach, he looked at me as if he were about to cry, too. "I don't know what else to do, Payton. You _won__'__t_ talk to me, but maybe... maybe you'll talk to Val or one of the girls. What about Dannii? At this point, even though it hurts, I don't care _who_ you talk to, as long as you say something you mean."

Finally, I looked at him and wiped my eyes. I saw how much this was hurting him, I really did, and it just made me regret _everything_ over the past few months. However, I was itching to say_Evan,_ I could _talk_ to Evan as if I did that sort of thing every day. But I knew that bringing him up then would not be the best idea... at all.

Thoughts, ideas began filling my head then, and I was sure Matt saw me beginning to crack. I chose my words very carefully, praying he wouldn't pass judgment on me. "I've just... I'm just so used to keeping everything in. B—back home, last year, I only ever had to worry about telling mom and Tyler these things. I'm not _used_ to having other people worry about me like this, dad."

Of course I made sure to make use of the word 'dad' in that last sentence, I was afraid Matt would have blown his very last gasket had I not. But just explaining _one_ of the reasons why I found such a simple thing as talking to him so hard, made me feel a little better. Before then, I hadn't even really thought about it—until I just blurted it out, at least.

"Tyler." Matt stated, staring straight ahead. It was obvious he wasn't expecting my ex-best friend's name to come up in this conversation.

"Yeah."

Tyler and my mother were having a bigger part in this than I would ever be willing to admit. My mother, because she had been one of the _two_ people I had been able to talk to, and then... she had left me. And Tyler... well, after he had betrayed me, I lost _all_ trust I could put into anyone. As much as I _tried,_ after that I couldn't really ever place any in anyone else.

Somehow, I could never get my mind around _why_ I couldn't trust Matt. Sure, I may not have even thought of it until then... but he was my father. Was it because he had missed so much of my life so far? I honestly didn't know. Over this past year, he had treated me so well though. I really shouldn't have had _any_ reason not to share my thoughts with him.

From the concentrated but hesitant look on my father's face, I knew he was afraid to open his mouth because if he said the wrong thing, it would ruin the small bit of progress we had made in this conversation so far.

"Alright then," He said, sighing. "I have no idea where that came from, and I'm trying my best to understand Patey. But you can't give me one piece of the puzzle and expect me to figure the rest out."

_Think,__think__it__through._ I was able to get this far, to say this much, how could I elaborate? I couldn't explain _every_ part of the 'puzzle' like Matt wanted me to... but how could I give him another clue? In the end, I knew it would help us both. "It's really hard... to, after the only people I trusted have either _died_ or betrayed me, to let myself trust other people Matt. With everything I've been holding in."

His eyes softened at the harshness in my tone, but it wasn't directed toward him. It was more toward myself, and how angrily I had to spit it out to even _get__it__out._

"I can see how hard this is for you, Payton. And I have an idea," He reached down toward the bottom bunk, and moments later his hand appeared again, except this time it held a brown, leather-bound journal. He gingerly placed it on my lap, and I stared down at it with keen interest. "Well, it was Jimmy's idea actually. We all... we all really think that if you can't _say_ what you feel... then maybe you can _write_ what you feel."

Understanding dawned on me then. _Writing_ to Matt had been what Jimmy was hinting around about? I wanted to hit myself for being so slow. Would it be easier though? I would certainly have much more time to sort out my thoughts before sharing them with Matt, which is what I had needed these past few months. The idea seemed so perfect, so foolproof, that I was actually _scared_ by it. A solution to almost all of my problems had literally been placed on my lap. Then, it was up to _me_ whether or not I chose to go along with this.

"So, I'm giving you two choices," Matt started, with a small, but still there, smile on his face. He must have seen the look in my eyes. "You write to me, about whatever you want. It can be like the things we used to talk about, or you can treat it as a real journal. As long as you don't mind sharing it with me. And then... I'll talk to you about it. But you don't have to share anything more than what you writ in it," The way he had this so planned out, I wondered how long he had been thinking about doing this. "The other, is just... going back to Huntington."

"I'll do it."

"You'll do what?"

"I'll write to you, I'll use the journal. Okay?" I asked, and the hope in my tone could not be hidden.

As soon as I agreed, he quickly leaned forward and pulled me into a hug. "Thank you, Patey. Things are gonna get better okay? I'm sorry, too. For earlier tonight, even though I still don't like the kid."

Slowly, I nodded, accepting his apology. That was probably the best I was going to get out of him for quite a while, at least until I somehow managed to get him to warm up to Evan. "I'm sorry too. For the past few months."

The feeling of hope never left my heart even after I pulled away from his hug. I could sense a change coming, and I knew that _finally,_ it was going to be a good one.

XXX

Since I'm posting another story here now (check it out if you'd like) I figured I'd start posting this story again, too. This story has gotten a little interest lately, and I would love some feedback for this chapter. Thanks guys!


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